Saturday, January 12, 2013
Why can't we be the ones????
I will start with a question I was asked through a private email from a reader here. It was in response to this post If I Could...
This reader, another sweet mama whom I have built an online friendship with, asked why it is considered "meddling" if a parent suggests any of the ideas that I listed to foster recovery in that post. Why is it ok to come from a rehab counselor or a dr. or anyone else, a stranger.....but if it comes from a parent, its considered enabling and meddling?
I am the first to admit that that post is filled with good ideas. LOL I think so many people in recovery would love to have those things available to them. The biggest issue that I see, is that how our loved ones recover is none of our business. It is not ours to fuss over and organize and get on track. As much as I would love for it to be my responsibility, because I am fairly certain that I could put together quite the loving, gentle, and healing atmosphere for one to be at peace in and begin to get healthy....its not my job. I wish so much that it was. But its not.
I think when we do step in and begin to make suggestions and make appointments for massages, and sign them up for art classes, and keep track of their meetings, and provide loving reminders (yes, its true I have done all of the above, and quite shamelessly I might add) .....we rob them of the dignity of doing it themselves. It becomes our "project" and not "their life choices." We rob them of the feelings of self worth and accomplishment and reliance on their own Higher Power, when we step in and do it for them, when we come up with a plan and encourage them to do it our way.
Not to mention that when I find myself in that place of thinking and planning my loved one's life, *I* am not in a healthy place for myself. I am so busy minding they're business, that I am not tending to my own stuff. When I am in that place, I am usually operating from a place of fear and I quickly digress to a whirlwind of obsessive thinking and behaviors.....not good for anyone, but especially me.
Recently we had a couple rough days here and the dad and I began to circle around our loved one, we began to ask questions, text repeatedly, remind her of the rules and the consequences. Quite articulately, our loved one said, "I feel like this is not mine anymore. I got this going, I sought this out, and you are taking it over." I happened to go to three meetings in a row where the topic was detachment, stepping back, waiting the 24 hours before making decision of action, the rights of the human person...even if they are an addicted human person....every human being has the right to make the decisions to build their life the way they want to. Its none of my business. When and if my loved one gets healthy, it won't be due to anything I have done. Certainly not any massages I paid for or art classes I signed her up for....although I do think those would make her feel good for a minute. I do....I can't help it.
So I would like to ask each of you who read here, what are your thoughts.....has it ever worked for you when you have attempted to take over and orchestrate your loved one's recovery? What was the end result? Why do you think it is either good or not good to try to create an atmosphere of recovery for our addicted loved one's?
Still praying.... that I CAN do.