Letting fear go.

I just read this this morning: Feel your fear and then let it go.

When I used to live in fear I would hang onto my fear for dear life. The hanging on part gave me the illusion of being in control. It gave me something to do.

When I learned that I had to let go to ever be able to make any progress in my own personal life, it was a terrifying concept. I have often likened it to jumping off the tip of a precipice into black nothingness, because I can't see what comes next.  I don't really know if there is anything below that will eventually catch me from my free fall.

That initial plunge into letting go, into black nothing, into trust....was so scary I was *almost* frozen in place.  I remember that initial plunge and then I remember feeling such a relief. Some days, when I begin to get all tied up in other people's business, I remind myself that I do not have to convince them to do anything my way. I can step back and let everyone find their own path and I feel that same sense of relief again. I don't have to do it all, or be all, for everyone.  For anyone really, other than myself.

Annette
PS: Thats my girl above....she is fearless in so many ways that I will never be able to conquer.

A Jake update....

The family called at the last minute and backed out. They thought they should wait until they move to their new house with all of the acreage. We are ok with that. Below is a picture of Jake. D had gone through the doors to go downstairs and told Jake to wait there. Those are the doors he usually pushes through so we put that dining room chair in front of them now. So Jake climbed up in the chair and sat there waiting. He is such an endearing dog.....but 5 dogs!!!! We really can barely bear to let him go though. But 5 dogs!!!!
PS: Excuse the sock basket in the corner....laundry day. 
Annette

Growth.....

Yesterday I went and got a massage....it was glorious, but that is beside the point. The girl gave me some paperwork to fill out and one of the questions was "do you have stress in your life?" For the very first time ever, that I can remember, my intital gut reaction was....NO. I was actually surprised and told myself to think for a minute...I mean gosh, maybe I could come up with something! As I thought about it I realized that despite the usual events and drama that pop up occasionally, at that moment I did not feel stressed, or worried, or rushed, or preoccupied, or fearful.

Because I am powerless over most everything going on and it mostly was all other people's stuff. I realized that as of that moment I had learned to let go and apply it to my daily life and it was serving me well. 

We did have an event this week where it no longer was safe for H to stay where she had been staying. Danger due to her own choices is one thing. Danger due to someone else's behavior is another. We gave her a quick place to stay and are figuring things out from there.

Where the growth was apparent was that D made some quick decisions while I was at work and not reachable. We were able to discuss them, I could share my perspective, which was a lot of tools learned in my program, and he was able to listen,  and I was able to present them as ideas....not as facts that must be carried out the exact way I say.  Either one of us got defensive. We were able to talk and not argue, we each heard each other. I was able to walk away feeling calm and not angry and frustrated. I was able to think on it all, wait to come up with a solution, and a dear friend reminded me that nothing needs to be decided *this minute.*

I went to a wonderful Alanon fundraiser today. I loved being with my people there. One of the people sharing was talking about her early years living with alcoholism in her life and she said, "I didn't know there was another way to do things" as she shared that she screamed and yelled at her husband to get him to stop drinking. That really resonated with me. I think I knew that somewhere, somehow there had to be a better way to live life, but I didn't know what it was, and I certainly didn't know how to find it.....until I stumbled my way into the rooms of Alanon. For whatever reason, I found a way out of the turmoil and the fear that I lived in day after day once I began working my program. I began to focus on my own character defects and stopped being consumed with what everyone else was doing "wrong" and began to keep my own side of the street clean. It was my spiritual awakening and I believe it was only by God's grace that I found my way out of the chaos that I had lived in for so many years.

We have found a potential home for Jake. I posted him on Craigslist and a girl called me. I asked her a bjillion questions and she patiently answered each one. She is letting us come over to their house tomorrow and bring him and do a "home visit" to make sure their yard is good, fence sturdy, let him meet their other dog, and see if they like him. She had asked me to send her more pictures so I did. Lu said, "Ask her if she can send you a picture of herself and we can see if she looks nice or not." : ) They just inherited the boyfriends g-pa's 5 bedroom house on 42 acres.  So we will see how it goes. 5 big dogs is way too many for us with kids and work. However if this doesn't work out, he will be back with us. Thats part of the agreement....if it doesn't work out, they will return him to us.
Love to all.....
Praying for our precious kids.
Annette

Our Homeless Homies....

Our rain is gone and who knows when we will have some again. This has been the driest winter in many years.

I have decided to fore-go the ACA group. I explained why to the leader and she said, "You know best....there will be plenty of time later if you would like to ever pursue it." I love the freedom in this program. No guilt. No persuading or manipulating me to do what she thinks is right. Instead I get to trust my gut feelings! Imagine that....maybe I do know what is best for myself.

Lu and I started volunteering at our local resource center 4 hours each Wednesday. It is a place where the homeless can congregate and use the internet, they have a nomadic shelter where they are bussed to different churches in the area each evening to sleep in doors, they are allowed one shower a week, to wash one load of laundry a week, they have a kitchen they can use to cook a meal, there is always a good flow of coffee coming from that kitchen, they can use the resource center's address and phone number as their own. The mail is delivered and its Lu's job to alphabetize it and then stick it in the slots. She gets to listen to the phone messages and then write them all down in the very official looking message book and post them on the bulletin board. She gets to file important paperwork in the filing cabinet.....she is in her glory! I love that they gave her *real* jobs to do.  Although I had to tell her she couldn't call them "hobos," said in all innocence of course. They are our "homeless population."

When we left last week I asked her if she was ok with being there. "Were you comfortable or was it weird for you?" There are some rough people there and I certainly don't want to make her volunteer with me if she is afraid or uncomfortable. Her reply.... "I loved it and can't wait to go back next week!"

Unfortunately this week I am so sick and we aren't going....but next week we will be back at it. So I am on the lookout for tents and sleeping bags to pass out. While we were there the past couple weeks, it has made me so emotional. I don't show that of course....but all I can think is that each of these people were someone's beautiful little newborn son or daughter at one point. They all mattered/matter to someone.

The thing I love to see is that some of the homeless clientele are volunteers to keep the place up and running. They do not just receive.....they contribute so much. There is rarely problems with behavior, no drugs or alcohol are allowed on the premises of course.  One of the gentlemen sleeps there at night as a security guard, one runs things during the day and last week served Lu and I a huge lunch that was donated....I felt so guilty taking it, but the lady who is training us said, "Take it. It makes them feel good to have something to give to you."  Really, it just chokes me up. Very humbling. 

Ok, I'm going back to bed now....ugh.
Annette

Rainy Day

Today is a grey rainy day around here. I LOVE it! My house is a wreck because we all have been coming in just long enough to change our clothes and clean up and then head off to another day. So my goal is to get things to my comfort level.

I woke up with a chest cold. Dog gone it! I am taking 3000 mg vitamin C and zinc and drinking lots of water and I will try to lay down at some point today. I have to be at functional healthy level by tomorrow night when I head back to work. I am filling in for someone so there is no one to fill in for me!

Someone at my Friday night home-group is starting an ACA group on Sunday afternoons. They will meet 2x a month and go through the ACA 12 steps workbook. I really want to go. The things that hold me back is that its another commitment to my already bursting schedule. I have come to learn through the years that I must have some down time just to be at home. It feels good to me to be at home. I love to be there and to do my thing, to bake, to be with everyone, all the dogs, to take care of business there. The other thing holding me back is that I just had this time with my mom and it was so precious, and I don't particularly want to dredge up all of the yuk that went on. I used to really want to dig in and figure it all out until it was done....but I don't feel that way anymore. I think its all much simpler than I ever thought.....my mom loved me and did the best she knew how to do. Sometimes it was enough and sometimes it wasn't. Thats about it. Just like I do with my own kids. Sometimes I am right on target with them, and sometimes I get in the way and mess everything all up with my need to "help." So I am thinking on this one....We will see.

As to my girl H....I don't know what she is up to as far as drug or alcohol use. When I talk to her she sounds good, as far as clean, rational, thinking things through in a very realistic manner. Sad and quiet and doesn't quite know what to do with herself....but she continues to put one foot in front of the other. When I told her about the neighbor boy she told me how sad that was and that despite everything she has put herself through, despite how untrue to herself she has chosen to live, she has never gone there. I was relieved to hear that. There is always hope! There is always a way to turn things around.....no matter how deep into addiction one goes.

I paid for her to be fingerprinted and have her background check so that she can be a caregiver for a friend of hers. She has gotten drugs from this person in the past. So is this a good idea? I don't think so. Was paying for the fingerprinting enabling...probably. But in her mind, its a job, and it can lead to other jobs and she has jumped through all of the state's hoops to make it happen. She is motivated to work and have some money to pay her own way as much as possible. She offered to pay me back for the fingerprinting.  I will be honest, I am afraid something on the background check with come back and kick her in the butt.....but of course I have no control over that. I can only put it into God's hands and let Him work out those details as He see's fit. I am not afraid she won't get the job. I am afraid of the tremendous disappointment that she will go through if it doesn't work out. I don't even know what is on her record...I know she's not a felon. It seems the courts work out deals, if you go to this class, pay this fine, we will drop charges.....so who knows. Maybe she has a clean record for all I know! I have to let that go. I can't focus on all of that because I really don't know the facts and its none of my business.
God bless us all.....
Annette

Sooooo behind

I've been almost entirely gone from home this past 10 days with work. Its been crazy...wasn't I just posting a few weeks ago that I didn't have enough work?! So I am behind on my blog reading and answering emails...so if you are someone I owe an email to, forgive me, know that you are loved and it was nothing personal.

Yesterday I went to a memorial service for my neighbor's son. He was 21, a wonderful young man with a strong faith, funny, a strong outdoors man, handsome,  had a heart for the marginalized and the brokenhearted, the people who were suffering....all over the world. He traveled to South America to serve those who were in need. This beautiful young man jumped off a dam in our area and killed himself. The mom and dad each shared at his service, all three of his sibling shared....now they are the heartbroken people.They have a strong faith and they are trusting in that right now as much as they can.....but I can only imagine that they are also feeling very lost. The mom said in her time of sharing, "its ok that I don't understand, or have the answers to how this happened. God knows and for now that can be what I trust in. He see's the bigger picture."

The thing I regret is that I never got close to these neighbors. We had so much in common, both had 4 kids, believed strongly and was involved in various forms of alternative education, both were families of a faith.....but due to my own struggles and what was going on in my own house, I didn't want to get too close. I was sure they had heard the yelling from our house, the swearing in the driveway, saw the sheriff cars or fire truck coming down our driveway at all hours of the day and night, God only knows what they had seen or heard through the years....I was ashamed. And I looked at them and thought they were perfect. Their yard was always neat and trimmed, their garage perfectly organized, all the kids would be out working with the parents to keep things up, they had bible studies at their house, the kids went to youth group....I couldn't live up to all of that. And to be honest, when we did wave as we drove by them while they were out walking, they never waved back, they wouldn't look up usually, and we all thought they weren't very friendly. We thought they probably knew all of our dirt and didn't want to associate with us. I know....because its all about me and I know that I was probably all they were thinking about, right?!

And now I feel like really, we all were hiding in our houses, with our hurts, our worries as mom's, our shame for being less than perfect, for having problems that were out of our control, and I think if we had only given each other a minute, we could have been friends, I would have told her our stuff and she would have known she wasn't alone.

It just makes me so sad and I am trying to figure out a way to reach out to her.

In other news....Molly is so dang happy with everything in her life right now. We were recently talking about how the detour to So. Cal. was just that, a detour. Her trying our her independence but it wasn't part of the plan that was meant for her. She came home and put her original plan back together and everything fell into place. She has classes that she loves, teachers that she really enjoys, has made a bunch of new friends, track is going wonderfully, the coaches have become friends and advocates and guides to her future, she has her little nanny job that she LOVES. Recently I commented that it seems like she is back to doing what she was really meant to do. She said, "Yes! and it feels GREAT!" I feel so happy for her!!!! It feels so good to have a kid who is doing great all on their own!

Lu has lost her interest in French for now and Jake is driving us all crazy. We have these french doors that we close to heat up the main part of the house and numerous times a day he stands at them on his back legs and pushes down the handle and then barges through them. Over and over again. He wants to be with a human constantly and is constantly standing right in our path. While I open the oven to get dinner out, he is right there, while I wash dishes, he is right there so I can't get the dishwasher open without making him move.....which is no small task. But he does have the sweetest face and if there is no room on the couch for him with all of us, he will sit next to us on the floor with his head resting on one of our laps. The other day big brother came over with a beanie on, to take Lu to school for me, and Jake stood over Lu who was asleep on the couch, and guarded her. He growled, showed his teeth and wouldn't let big bro in until he took off his beanie and showed him who he was. That won Jake some staying power with D and big bro.

Good Lord... I'm tired.

Some of you have shared beautiful photographs of your precious kids with me. I have those in my God box and I am praying for them everyday. I feel honored that you trusted me with them. Our precious kids, lost in their own world, but so loved by each of us.

Bless everyone today, "real good" as my g-ma used to say.

Love to all....
Annette

Laundry day

My H spent the day with us washing laundry. It was a nice day. She was quiet but clean. Thin. She brought loads and loads of laundry....she did most of the work and I helped with folding. No big heavy conversations. We just were together. She thanked me for letting her come home and do all of that, she worked on her room, packed up some things she needed, vacuumed, took home some cleaning supplies, but asked me if it was ok first. A simple courtesy...something that had been lost in feelings of entitlement and anger.

We talked about having another day in a couple weeks where she comes and we work on making some warm duvet covers for the kids she is living with and caring for.

Its a beginning of the rebuilding of relationships. It was good. We love her, we enjoy her. At one point I heard her laugh out loud and it made me stop in my tracks...I love that sound.

We will see what the future holds. It occurred to me that she doesn't have to *live* with us for everything to be ok, for our relationships to be considered whole. She can live on her own as an adult should and live according to her own convictions and that is good. 

Praying for us all....
Annette