Something about being a grandma and it being Christmas time has created this huge desire to be crafty and to make things and to sew. The thing is that Im really not very good at any of that. LOL Everything I have made to give away, that has involved my sewing machine, has been made with lots of love and the F-word. I rarely lose it anymore.....but the other day, my sewing machine kept jamming and my needle bent, and nothing was lining up, a straight pin went under my nail and made me bleed, and I was saying, "Shit shit shit shit!" Little one was sitting across the table from me doing her own thing and she so sweetly said, "Mom, I really think its the machine. It seems to jam up on everyone who uses it."
"No its not the machine! It's that I dont know what I'm doing!" She shrugged her shoulders, "It seems like you do to me..." and went back to her own stuff, unphased by my tantrum. She has learned so well that she can't fix other people's problems. She can be a kind calming presence, but its not her job to make me feel better when Im losing my "shit" over my ideas not coming into fruition exactly the way I had envisioned.
Isn't that so how life is? Ive been thinking a lot about the life I envisioned and the life I got. Don't get me wrong....the life I got is filled with so much good, but there are also a lot of elements that I never planned on. Elements that have changed me at my very core.
Every Saturday night my girl has continued to come with me to the homeless shelter. I initially volunteered for that so Little One could come with me for some community service....she came once and it was too much. Too much chaos, not enough direction, too vague and haphazard, and she ended up waiting in the car for me. She might try again eventually....but to have My Girl with me is such an unexpected joy! To be able to let her be there with no expectations....she sits and reads a book while I check the women in. If anyone needs extra help to get settled she takes them back and helps them find a mat and get their spot set up for the night, shows them where to get their dinner, and makes sure they have what they need. Then back out to read her book, until she is needed again. The shelter hosts an AA meeting that she goes into each week. Watching her feel responsible for something, be a part of something, watching her care and quietly share her opinion and participate, is really something quite amazing. Who knew that I would ever end up volunteering in a homeless shelter with My beautiful Girl by my side, who relentlessly keeps working on her own issues, who doesn't let mistakes derail her completely anymore, who refuses to give up. All of those years ago when she was a little red haired girl who wrote poetry and sang the theme song from Annie out in the yard at the top of her voice and could run like the wind and shared her opinions with me on the books she was reading, never in my wildest ideas did I envision the journey we ended up on, but this is where we have ended up, and it seems for now to be shaking itself out somewhat. Things can change quickly though, as we all know, so I accept this moment for the gift that it is. I choose to be present in this day.
Merry Christmas my fellow travelers.
With much love,