Back in the game
I have known for more than a week that we were back in the game of active addiction. I haven't wanted to post because to be quite honest, I don't want to hear what I "should" be doing. I feel like the lover whose partner was having an affair and everyone knew but her. I knew....but I kept hoping. What can I say.....I am her mother first, before anything else I am her mother.
I've been doing this a long long time and I know what my options are. The dad and I will figure it out yet again. Treatment is no longer an option.....at least through our insurance. She used up all of her chances there. We have no money left so anything she wants to do will be on her.
It used to be that she was young enough that she could regain the time she has lost. She is getting older now though. She hasn't worked, hasn't gone to school, and its becoming harder and harder to think about her having a "late start" by launching forward at some point. What would she tell a prospective employer about the past 9 years of unemployment? How do you account for that lost time? Of course a job has always been the least of our concerns.
I got tangled up in a debate about Ibogaine on another mom's blog. I think what really makes me sad is the desperation we all feel to save our children. We would spend our last dime on flying them to some remote part of the world to be given a root that supposedly resets their brain and "cures" them of addiction. Maybe its true, and if it is and its being kept from our U.S. families due to "big pharma" and our children are dying... its a crushing thought. On so many levels. Flying our girl to another part of the world for treatment.....we might as well be asked to find a way to fly her to the moon at this point. Its gone on too long, we've used up every resource.
God show us the way.... we need you.
Annette
I've been doing this a long long time and I know what my options are. The dad and I will figure it out yet again. Treatment is no longer an option.....at least through our insurance. She used up all of her chances there. We have no money left so anything she wants to do will be on her.
It used to be that she was young enough that she could regain the time she has lost. She is getting older now though. She hasn't worked, hasn't gone to school, and its becoming harder and harder to think about her having a "late start" by launching forward at some point. What would she tell a prospective employer about the past 9 years of unemployment? How do you account for that lost time? Of course a job has always been the least of our concerns.
I got tangled up in a debate about Ibogaine on another mom's blog. I think what really makes me sad is the desperation we all feel to save our children. We would spend our last dime on flying them to some remote part of the world to be given a root that supposedly resets their brain and "cures" them of addiction. Maybe its true, and if it is and its being kept from our U.S. families due to "big pharma" and our children are dying... its a crushing thought. On so many levels. Flying our girl to another part of the world for treatment.....we might as well be asked to find a way to fly her to the moon at this point. Its gone on too long, we've used up every resource.
God show us the way.... we need you.
Annette
Comments
Like you, I've learned that there are no "shoulds". Unfortunately, what works for one person and their family, does not work for another. Let no one tell you otherwise. May G-d sustain you and your daughter. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
Holly
I have no words but I am sending you love.
PS - I have moved my blog to http://ditchingthedog.wordpress.com/
You are right...I am his mother first. As we get closer to him leaving I feel anxious yet at peace. But my Husband and I had to make this decision when we were ready...just like our addict has to make the decision on their own they are ready.
None of us should be judged or judge - all of our families have different dynamics. I hope that I stay strong and do not let him come back home because we honestly feel it is HIS only hope at this point. But I will make no promises. I have to take it day by day.
I am involved in that same debate. I am reading so much about Ibogaine. I know it took years for vivitrol to become legal and it is a miracle for someone who really wants sobriety.
Just like a diet - we can spend tons of money on weight loss pills and products, etc. and it still isn't going to work unless we also put a lot of effort in to it - nor will the weight come off unless we work to keep it off.
I am sorry that we are both here again. The relapses just get harder and harder to deal with.
Oh Annette,
My heart breaks for you. I used to read your blog LONG before I ever commented on it. I was stunned to realize that there were other mothers out there who were also struggling. The love for your family has always shone through in all your writings. Your graciousness and warmth continues to amaze me. I know how painful all of this is. There are no easy answers. What helped me was realizing that the answer did not lie with me. I had spent years coming up with solutions to no avail. At the end of the day, it wasn't my problem to solve.
These years are not lost. It is never too late to begin again. The last thing that happens before a success is failure.
I pray that God gives you peace and the guidance to do what is best for YOU. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
xo
I remember telling someone during the first few months of us finding out about her heroin addiction...I know I'm going to wake up one day and it will all seem like a nightmare. What a foolish, foolish person I was.
Oh how I wish I had found all you at that time. I believe that things for us would be different. I'm not saying she would be well but I do know I would have handled things much better and with greater insight.
I even wonder if we would have forced her into that first treatment program. Looking back I now know she went for us not because she was ready. Maybe that money would be available now when she seems on the verge of a break through. This may be wishful thinking on my part but something seems different this time. Maybe it's the way I'm handling it?? Yep, thanks to all of you I think that's it.
I don't want to start a debate about Ibogaine, but I will say I wish there was someone/something that would point me to some reputable information. I'd work three jobs just to scrape up the cash.
Hope you find brighter days soon.
Sending much love to you.
Mary