Friday, July 25, 2014

Back in the game

I have known for more than a week that we were back in the game of active addiction. I haven't wanted to post because to be quite honest, I don't want to hear what I "should" be doing. I feel like the lover whose partner was having an affair and everyone knew but her. I knew....but I kept hoping. What can I say.....I am her mother first, before anything else I am her mother.

I've been doing this a long long time and I know what my options are. The dad and I will figure it out yet again. Treatment is no longer an option.....at least through our insurance. She used up all of her chances there. We have no money left so anything she wants to do will be on her.

It used to be that she was young enough that she could regain the time she has lost. She is getting older now though. She hasn't worked, hasn't gone to school, and its becoming harder and harder to think about her having a "late start" by launching forward at some point. What would she tell a prospective employer about the past 9 years of unemployment? How do you account for that lost time? Of course a job has always been the least of our concerns.

I got tangled up in a debate about Ibogaine on another mom's blog. I think what really makes me sad is the desperation we all feel to save our children. We would spend our last dime on flying them to some remote part of the world to be given a root that supposedly resets their brain and "cures" them of addiction. Maybe its true, and if it is and its being kept from our U.S. families due to "big pharma" and our children are dying... its a crushing thought. On so many levels. Flying our girl to another part of the world for treatment.....we might as well be asked to find a way to fly her to the moon at this point. Its gone on too long, we've used up every resource.

God show us the way.... we need you.
Annette

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Annette,
Like you, I've learned that there are no "shoulds". Unfortunately, what works for one person and their family, does not work for another. Let no one tell you otherwise. May G-d sustain you and your daughter. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

Holly

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Annette. I'm sending my prayers...

notmyboy said...

I'm sorry. Pull yourself up and start again. It is what we do. I don't know much about Ibogaine. I know my son used to beg me to send him to Mexico to try it. I always just thought he was drug seeking. I don't believe that now. Since getting sober, he has done quite a bit of research. You would not believe some of the stuff he has discovered...especially in the area of LSD treatment for addicts. It is shocking to know there could be a "cure" but it being held from us because it is relatively cheap and could potentially eliminate addiction. Do not underestimate the power of the lobbyist in this country.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through!! It is every parent of an addict's worst nightmare!! Your head tells you what you should do but your heart will not let you!! My prayers are with you!!

Erin said...

I'm so sorry she back in active addiction. I will be praying for you and your husband so that you can decide what the next steps should be. I'm not one to give advice because I truly believe every situation is different. I was made to feel guilty many times when my son was active by people who were pushing me to do things that I just wasn't ready to do and nor did I think it would help. I won't do that to anyone, if someone asks me to share my experience I always will do that but I always say what worked for me may not work for you. Again, so sorry Annette.

Birdie said...

Annette, I am so sorry to hear this. Your fragile mother's heart has already been shattered so many times.

I have no words but I am sending you love.

PS - I have moved my blog to http://ditchingthedog.wordpress.com/

Anonymous said...

this is so painful on many levels....we've been on this road since 1995...my biggest angry is the mental toll it has taken on us....all that time is lost...you and your girl is in my prayers....

Chelsie Charmed said...

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish their was something I could say to make it better or some kind of magic cure that would fix everything. From my experience and what I've seen Methadone worked wonders for me and my friends and family, who got on it to get clean. Its not for everyone but maybe something to possibly look at. It completely changed my life and I know for a fact I wouldn't be where I am today without it. I fell many times before I got clean for good, and its never too late to start a life. I see people at my university in their 40s starting over. Keep hope that everything will happen as its suppose to, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Tori said...

It isn't like we are rookies at this is it?

You are right...I am his mother first. As we get closer to him leaving I feel anxious yet at peace. But my Husband and I had to make this decision when we were ready...just like our addict has to make the decision on their own they are ready.

None of us should be judged or judge - all of our families have different dynamics. I hope that I stay strong and do not let him come back home because we honestly feel it is HIS only hope at this point. But I will make no promises. I have to take it day by day.

I am involved in that same debate. I am reading so much about Ibogaine. I know it took years for vivitrol to become legal and it is a miracle for someone who really wants sobriety.

Just like a diet - we can spend tons of money on weight loss pills and products, etc. and it still isn't going to work unless we also put a lot of effort in to it - nor will the weight come off unless we work to keep it off.

I am sorry that we are both here again. The relapses just get harder and harder to deal with.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for years and have gained so much from your words that I had to de-lurk and simply say....I am so very sorry Annette. Peace be with you.

Lolly said...

Praying for you and your girl Annette.

mary said...

Please know you and your daughter are in my prayers and thoughts. Your honesty about what you are going through has helped me through my son's journey. I'm grateful you always share your experience strength and hope!

Topper said...

Annette: I can relate to your disappointment and discouragement. I understand the frustration of watching years tick by as our beloved kids who are addicted relapse again and again. My own finances are a wreck ...very few $ resources to go to. My son has aged out of my insurance. He's spent time in the judicial system, in rehab. He's 26 now. There jobs out there for them...call centers, etc. Stressful for them, not "career", but at this point...is that important? It's demonstrated again and again how we can't make decisions for others. To me one of the hardest things us the fact that , as a family, our relationships have been so altered. It's hard to know what boundaries to have....what's helping. ...what's "enabling". What can I live with? Want you to know your words have often kept me grounded. You are a living example of an attitude of gratitude, at least from what I see. So we keep going as best we can, praying for our kids and hoping. It's all we can do.

Amy Parrish said...

Annette, thank you for being brave. I am on our virtual porch with big glasses of lemonade and companionable quiet.

lulu said...

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this again. Praying for your serenity and for safety for your daughter.

Mrs. Dubose said...


Oh Annette,

My heart breaks for you. I used to read your blog LONG before I ever commented on it. I was stunned to realize that there were other mothers out there who were also struggling. The love for your family has always shone through in all your writings. Your graciousness and warmth continues to amaze me. I know how painful all of this is. There are no easy answers. What helped me was realizing that the answer did not lie with me. I had spent years coming up with solutions to no avail. At the end of the day, it wasn't my problem to solve.

These years are not lost. It is never too late to begin again. The last thing that happens before a success is failure.

I pray that God gives you peace and the guidance to do what is best for YOU. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


xo

Christina said...

One day at a time, my friend,,,,

courtsmom said...

Hello, Annette. We are also going through another difficult cycle. It is during these times I find myself unable to focus on anything but her. Which is probably the reason I don't have a blog. My days would once again be consumed in darkness reliving all of the ugliness I'm able to put behind, but only because something new always comes along.

I remember telling someone during the first few months of us finding out about her heroin addiction...I know I'm going to wake up one day and it will all seem like a nightmare. What a foolish, foolish person I was.

Oh how I wish I had found all you at that time. I believe that things for us would be different. I'm not saying she would be well but I do know I would have handled things much better and with greater insight.

I even wonder if we would have forced her into that first treatment program. Looking back I now know she went for us not because she was ready. Maybe that money would be available now when she seems on the verge of a break through. This may be wishful thinking on my part but something seems different this time. Maybe it's the way I'm handling it?? Yep, thanks to all of you I think that's it.

I don't want to start a debate about Ibogaine, but I will say I wish there was someone/something that would point me to some reputable information. I'd work three jobs just to scrape up the cash.

Hope you find brighter days soon.

mary christine said...

Annette, I am so sorry. I don't want to sound bossy, but you know of course that you don't have to "do" anything. She has burned a lot of bridges. Many of us do that before we reach the end and know that it is up to us and that any time before that point we simply were not ready. She's doing her research, hopefully she will soon reach the point where she is ready for her own self.
Sending much love to you.
Mary

Anonymous said...

Oh Annette, I am so sorry you are walking this path that never seems to end. The Ibogaine debate on the other blog made my head hurt. I do not know much about it but my gut says it is another area for we Moms to obsess and worry while the kids do exactly what they choose. They are our kids and we don't give up on them but we do get tired. We do need to stop and rest. Please take care of yourself. Patricia

Debby said...

Anette, I can only add my heartfelt sorrow for your family. I like what Patricia (before me) said. It seems there is so much to add to our worry and the stop and rest part? It's so hard but so necessary. Self-care, even now. I pray God will bring rest to your soul, that He will comfort your heart and restore your hope. I pray he will protect your daughter and interrupt her life and allow her that moment of clarity. I pray for His wisdom and guidance to always be around you and that all of you will know His love.

Syd said...

I hope that sometime soon she will decide she has had enough. And I hope that you have peace in your life again. You are a kind and gentle person who loves deeply. Please take care of yourself. I am sending good thoughts for you and your family.

From Skinny To Fat said...

I am so sorry to read this. You and your entire family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

(((Hugs)))