Journey of recovery...search for serenity

Passing Through.....

2012-05-27T09:08:00.001-07:00

beautiful lupine

I really don't have much to say today. All is fine, calm, I have a couple days at home for which I am so grateful. I have been walking between 4-6 miles a day. However, now a big, hard, painful lump has developed on the top of my foot. My shoes are great...fit well. I don't know but I am hoping this doesn't end up putting a hitch in my giddy-up. I think today I will just use my weights and give my foot a break.

I went to see my dear Al-anon friend who had her brain tumor removed and is now facing chemo and radiation. She is a true testimony to courage. She would fall into the elderly category of us humans, but is so full of life. She faces all of this with awe-inspiring courage. She says, "This was an unexpected chapter...but we will find our way through day by day."

I had a day with my little Lu yesterday. Big brother gave her his old iPhone
so we went and got it set up on her number. So now my 11 year old is using an iPhone and has a data package. There is something really wrong with that imo! Whats worse is that she is far more technologically capable than I am. We went thrift store shopping, had lunch together, went to see my friend, then finally home. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. Bone tired. I think I'm fighting something off.

See......I really don't have much to say. I'm starting to talk about my health ailments! I will leave you with this:

I expect to pass through this world but once; any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again ~ Stephen Grellet

Blessings to all......
Annette

Today I feel positive.....

2012-05-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking about my crazy family and I came to the conclusion that we are ok. Not perfect, we are dysfunctional in our ways, but we are all ok for now. We are close, we love each other, we are for each other, and for once in a very long time, I let myself just enjoy who we all are in my thoughts. Not worry about the negatives or mull over solutions for everyone. I just thought of the things I love and enjoy about my perfectly imperfect family. It felt good.

I think this change in my perspective was due to reading yesterday's post on Love Lists....I started thinking about the things I love about each of my family members. So many things. Maybe I will post a list a day for awhile.....there are several of us! lol I linked to that post yesterday but am adding it again in case you missed it.

I will start with my H.......

She has a kind heart. I have story after story that I could share about her acts of kindness as a little girl before she lost her way.

I love her dry sense of humor.

I love her quiet stable ways...in the midst of chaos she is calm and steady.

She is brave and daring...sometimes I hate that about her too because she scares me. She is my child who would jump off of bridges into the water below, or out of airplanes, or ride the highest and fastest roller coaster.

She is humble. In touch with who she is and her mistakes.

She has always been tremendously insightful. Empathetic. She knows what is going on inside of someone's heart despite what the outward behavior looks like.

She is honest about who she is, what she is, where she has been, and does not judge other people.

Forgiving....the times I have made amends to her she has always been so gracious and loving. Never blaming or holding anyone prisoner in unforgiveness. Except for herself. :o(

When she works she is a good worker and a good manager of money. Always saving and planning for something later on.

She is just a smart girl. A good mind.

I still see glimpses of each of these qualities that I love about my girl. I know they are still there somewhere. If and when she gets well, she will be a different person than who I knew at 11 and 12. But the core of who she is will hopefully still be in tact and just waiting to be uncovered and allowed to grow and bloom after all of the muck and mire is removed. I do believe that God can heal and restore anything. My dear blogger friend Lou taught me this Jewish prayer.... El na rafa na la--Please God, bring healing.

Molly got a tattoo about a year ago of several lotus flowers that represent each of the women in our family. She chose a word to go with each flower that represented each woman also. For her birthday she wants me to help her add another flower for g-ma with the word faith. H's is strength, Lu is purity, I am courage and Molly's is hope.

She chose the lotus flower because they grow up out of the muck and mire despite turbulence and turmoil and they forge their way up toward the light and then they bloom in all of their glory. I pray that will be my girl someday.

Always praying......
Annette

Love Lists

2012-05-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading over at Parent Addict this morning and this dad was talking about some difficult times in his life. His solution was such a compassionate action for both himself and his child....I hope you will go over and give him a read and then create your own "love lists." Please, make sure to include *yourself.*

Many blessings today. And thank you for the kind comments on my last post. The one thing I am certain of that I am no hero, that is FOR SURE! I am just me, finding my way each day just like all of you.

Annette

Brutal honesty...... get ready, here it comes!

2012-05-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling like I want to lay it all out there about my weight. You all need to know that my dear husband did not even know the weight I started out at. No one on this earth knew, except my dr and I told her nurse to just quietly write it down, don't repeat it in front of Lu because she will blab to everyone we know.

I started this weight loss journey at the grand total of my hugeness....234.8lbs. Remember....I am tall!!! LOL But I had never been so big. Even on delivery day of my kids I never weighed that much! My denial ran deep I am seeing. I lied on my license, and when my mom or Molly asked me how much I weighed, I lied to them too. I am not a liar! But I was about that. It all just reminds me so much of a life of addiction. "Of course I'm not high!" In my life it had taken its own shape and form. It seemed safe...I certainly wasn't out of control, crashing cars, or nodding off at the table. I wasn't unreliable....quite the contrary! But really, I was out of control. Eating was a safe way to medicate myself. To soothe what was hurting inside my heart. Not just my addict daughter, but my own feelings of not fitting in, being on the outside looking in, my own wonderings of, "Am I worth it? If I stopped doing....would anyone still want me?" And ultimately....had I failed?! Had I unknowingly hurt this precious girl I had been entrusted with? Despite all of my Alanon, I think those questions were/are always there. Maybe not the loudest voice in the crowd anymore, but still a whisper in my conscience. "How do you really KNOW you didn't cause this?"

Yesterday as I walked, I prayed and prayed for a good hour. I cried....one of the benefits of living in the middle of no where. I thought of all the times I rationalized my cumbersome size. I really do think that some fat people's perspective is off. I didn't think I looked that big or bad until I saw a photograph. I rationalized that I ate healthy...but I ate a lot and often. I don't smoke, drink, take drugs....but I treated myself to what I loved as a reward for hard work, or feeling stressed, or unappreciated, or ignored, or sad, or worried, or happy, or relieved, or........

I would sit in a chair and feel it hugging my hips...meaning I was almost not fitting in it! I remember watching an overweight friend cut up an apple and then a *hunk* of cheese to go with each slice. She looked at me and said, "This is healthy! You can't get any healthier than this for a "snack!" I realized then that we (fat people) don't see things accurately. I wasn't the one doing the eating so I was able to recognize that a quarter block of cheese with an apple wasn't exactly a proportionate snack! That was the beginning of me re-thinking some of my habits and trying to look honestly at them.

A person does not weigh 234 lbs, unless she is a 6'4 man, and everything is ok. Some where along the way I began to stuff my mouth to cope with my feelings.

So today I am 209 lbs. I am fine with this process....but I had to really look at the fact that I have been doing this for 11 weeks now and I am still not even out of the 200's! That is a problem. Not the length of time, but the fact that I ever got that big to begin with! My clothes are getting too big, but I think "Gosh, it took long enough. Was I wedging myself into stuff that was skin tight?!"

So there you have it...this weight loss journey is about so many other things than just getting thin. Its about me learning to be strong in who God has created me to be. To forgive myself for not being perfect. Its about being free in the grace of God and His acceptance and love for my flawed self. To live in that, to allow myself to flourish in that place of acceptance. No more punishing myself by shoving food in my mouth for that moment of relief, but ultimate damage to my body.

I so believe my girl and I walk such a similar journey. I pray she finds the grace of God in her life someday soon and that together we can walk into our freedom.

Annette

Leaving my comfort zone......

2012-05-21T08:05:00.004-07:00

I joined a couple hiking meet up groups recently. I am not usually a joiner and really can't even imagine walking into a group of strangers and hiking off into the woods with them. As a matter of fact, after I signed up, I thought, "What the heck did you do that for?"

Fortunately and unbeknownst to me, an acquaintance-friend-old neighbor had also joined not too long ago and when she saw my name come up on the list of members, she invited me to go with her on one of the hikes. So yesterday was the big day. We did a 9ish mile hike on the Rubicon Trail with lots of up and down and all around. It ended up being a gorgeous day, and I met some new people and I got to know this friend better.

The group has a "leader" and that took some getting used to. lol He had us stand in a circle "shoulder to shoulder" several times so he could talk to all of us and point out some points of interest....it felt like a school field trip at times. I was waiting for him to pull out the rope with knots for us to all hold onto to walk together. lol As the day went on though, I realized he felt very responsible to get everyone back to their cars safe and sound. There was a lot of head counting to make sure they hadn't lost anyone...and at one point he said, "Can you imagine what it would feel like to be the person who is lost. That is an awful feeling." That changed everything for me. He probably does have some control issues, as we all do.....but his main goal was safety and a good day and he felt as the founder of the group that he was responsible. So I could give him that....if he wants to be charge and count heads, so be it.

So I am learning to leave my comfort zone....hiring my trainer, hiking with a group of strangers....and letting someone lead, pushing my body to do things it hasn't done in a long time. This is all GOOD! I feel like I am growing as a person in some personal ways that matter to me. I don't want to be afraid of doing life. Like the trainer thing....next Monday will be my last weekly visit with her. I did it though. I walked into the unknown riddled with fear and shame and I walked through it all to the other side and I have a good momentum going for myself now. I exceeded my initial goal of how many times I would go to see Miss CP.

So one day at a time.... I will continue to do the next right thing for myself and my family. It is so good for my family when I am healthy and happy and motivated and living a life that makes me happy.

Also I wanted to say Anna and Syd hit the nail on the head in their comments on my last post....feeling left out and being on the outside looking in. Yes, that was it! You both summed it up perfectly!

Praying.....
Annette

So below are some photos from my day in the mountains. A beautiful day!

Emerald Bay

Lake Tahoe/Emerald Bay

Eagle Falls

Emerald Bay

Upper section of Eagle Falls

Book Review: There Is No Hero in Heroin by Janice Nargi

2012-05-19T08:59:00.001-07:00

I am reading There is No Hero In Heroin by Janice Nargi on Lu's Kindle Fire. I think I like real paper page books best....but this e-reader idea is something I could get used to I think. I think this is only available as an e-book as of this moment, but a hardcopy is coming soon. Is that correct Janice?

This is Janice's story about her journey with her son through his heroin addiction. To be honest, I am only about half way through, but what I have read has been so moving. It is all so true, so accurate. Her son Tommy shares a lot of his story in his own words within these pages and I especially have appreciated hearing his perspective. What the big attraction to H was, how it felt, the pull to go back, the emotions behind his using, the desperation. I *know* how I feel as the mom, but to read his thoughts has given me a lot of insights that I haven't had in the past.

Hearing Janice's perspective has been confirmation of so much of what I have felt at various times. You know when you read something and you feel like you are reading your own story.....just put into an articulate language that you have not been able to thus far put together for yourself? That is how parts of Janice's book affect me. Hearing about her enabling of her boy's life while in "recovery," the many times of second chances, her deep hope and belief that "this time is it, a new beginning, a fresh start." How many times have I invested emotionally and financially in those times? Until we finally learn the difficult lesson that our only option is to let go and let our kids find their own recovery on their own terms in their own timing. Janice talks about learning these lessons and many more in such a real and honest way. She shares her mistakes and she shares her victories in her own parallel journey to her son's.

A worthwhile read for any parent traveling this painful and frightening journey.

Praying always for all of us.....
Annette

Today I'm feeling disconnected....

2012-05-18T10:16:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling like I am not connecting well with people. I'm feeling like I don't have many real friendships with people. I have a few really wonderful and close friends and I love them. One of them is a consistent reader here....you know who you are Love. ;o) I am so grateful for you in my life.

For example at school.....we went to open house last night and while everyone stood around talking in groups, I was alone. I have acquaintances there. People I really like...but not close friends. I think part of it too is that for the past 2 years L has only attended school 2 days a week, so we are out of the loop in some ways. She also is my last child after parenting for 25 years....I am tired. I really could care less about going to open house....but I go for my little Lu. The young families couldn't imagine missing it and are all talking about what teacher they want for their child next year and discussing their ideas on education....of which we have for the most part always chosen a different path. I am busy all the time and I am thinking is my busyness my way of holding people at a distance? I think I am so filled up with H and having Molly in college with all of her needs and circumstances and big brother away with his new job and his beautiful gf and building his new life and listening to them when they call and *carrying* some of their burdens on my shoulders.....even when I don't mean to, they are there in my thoughts. Not to mention the brain power my 6 clients take up with all of their various needs. I don't go the extra mile anymore with my clients....because I am too freaking tired. I used to bring home cooked food, think of ways to engage them, make things for them, do activities with them, persuade them to get out....and now my brain is just too tired to figure out a way through their back door to be their cheer leader.

I feel like I am out of balance right now. All D and I do is work. I work away from home a lot and then when I get home I work to keep the house loosely in order. D works his 40 hours, commutes an hour and a half a day round trip, and then he does his part to keep things going in my absence. We rarely go away, we rarely do anything fun....other than hike. I am squeezing in my exercise most days and eating right....so I am taking care of myself physically. But I think my spirit is lagging today.

This is not a "poor me" post. This is a "something needs to change post." I will figure it out. I have to work at this point in our lives.....but together D and I need to figure something out. Some place to go that we can afford, something to do that will be fun.

Today is my big guy's birthday! 54 years old! Time's running out....we gotta get this "having fun" thing down.

Annette

UPDATE: Ok, I just got out of the shower....probably information that none of you need, but I was thinking in there and I realized that I am feeling responsible for everyone and everything again. I want to make sure everyone is ok, and that all is well in their lives...my hubs, my kids, my clients, my Alanon friend who is in the hospital, my sponsees, which uses up a lot of my energy and my limited brain power. I was just telling a sponsee yesterday that a good place for us to hover is right around steps 1, 2 and 3.....everyday. Those are key foundational blocks to us being able to live and thrive and be spiritually healthy. I think I better take my own advice and revisit those steps and have a minute with my HP before I head off to solve all that ails the world today.

Quickly....

2012-05-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have got some wonderful readers! Thank you so much for all of your support and telling me that I am not boring! You have no idea how much your comments mean to me.

The only thing hurting from my burst of activity yesterday is my right hip. I'm hoping that goes away pronto. No muscle aches though....so I guess they were ready.

Molly left for her state meet today. Exciting and she is nervous....I reminded her that no one's life depended on how well she did there.

One of my dear Alanon friends is in the hospital with a brain tumor. She was the first person I met when I walked through that door. I love this woman. I will see her today and hear about her prognosis....but for now, I am laying her in the hands of God so He can love her perfectly and take gentle care of my friend in ways that I can't.

My girl seems puzzled when I say that I am worried about her. We have set up a time to talk this weekend.

My client was frustrated and acted like I was an idiot because his plumber came and repaired his kitchen faucet but after he left there was no hot water. The icing on the cake was that I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I finally had to remind him, "I'm not a plumber!" My hubs does all that stuff.

Lu had to make an invention for school....she made a new device to stop drunk drivers. Do all 11 year olds have those kinds of things on their minds?

Ok, I think thats it from my little hula hoop in the world.

Oh wait....a funny story. H left a plant here in a pot without enough soil. Like the roots were exposed and it was dry as a bone. So I added soil, watered it, and put it in a plant stand on the porch. When she came on Mother's day she looked at her plant and I told her what I had done. She was going to take it home with her....which was fine. But then she said, "Well it seems like you are taking good care of it, I guess I could leave it here with you for awhile." It just struck me as funny....imagine, me being trusted to care for a potted plant?! LOL

Everyone take good care and keep praying. I am doing the same.
Annette

I have a story to tell you today.....

2012-05-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

The story is that basically I got lost this morning! LOL

None of my walking companions were available so I headed off on my own. I don't mind walking alone anymore.....although I prefer to have a partner. I listen to my book on my phone, I pray, I look at all of the beautiful nature around me... I walked a new trail to me, that goes up behind a restaurant and that was my goal destination.....to reach the restaurant. (Which ended up not being very far at all....certainly not far enough) I ended up missing the restaurant (hidden by trees on the top of the hill) and just kept on going. I thought I would get tired and know when to turn back, but that time never came. I had forgotten my ear buds so I had my book blaring and my phone tucked into my bra. I actually liked it a lot better than the ear phone thingies.

Finally, after I had gone way back, off of the paved trail, I realized, "My Gosh, I am at the back of the "golf club" housing development. I kept going.....it was beautiful. I finally realized that I had been walking for a good hour and a half and I was way somewhere with no cell reception. I finally turned around and headed back. The trail in was a slight grade UP which meant I had walked a good 3-4 miles up hill. I was getting worried about the time....it was getting later in the morning and I had things to do, so.....wait until I tell you!!! I RAN back!! My slow little jog shuffle down the grade, but I ran and ran and ran.....for a good 3/4 - 1 mile at one time. For me that is HUGE. I felt like I could have gone even farther....I wasn't tired or wiped out or even breathing really hard. I walk/jogged most of the way out. I was amazed.

Today I learned that running on a dirt trail is much easier on my shins than running on a cement trail. I learned that I really can run for a distance...not just a few feet or a city block, but a real distance. Once I got back to the car, I saw a sheriff in the parking lot and asked him how far he thought it was to the point I had gone.....4 - 4.5 miles one way! That means I walked 8-9 miles this morning.

I am finding that I have so much more energy. Over the weekend, I cleaned my house....which is no small feat...size wise and dirt wise. I worked outside in the yard, then I went on my long walk for the day. And I still had energy after all of that.

snow melt

As of yesterday morning I was down 25.8 lbs.

I know that this is probably boring and its not really recovery related and who really cares except me. I only share it for my own sake though, to be honest. If I am putting this information out there, it holds me accountable.

And actually I take that back. This is related to *my* recovery. I am working at living my life and being healthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually, despite what is going on in my very ill daughter's life. I am working at continuing on despite the lack of progress or change in her life. Despite the very obvious progression in her disease.

God have mercy and please, don't let go of our kids.
Annette

The Elephant was in the Room...

2012-05-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

The elephant tagged along for a visit yesterday and no one said a word. "Shhhh, maybe no one will notice she snuck in."

It was a good day overall, but addiction was present also in its various forms and no one uttered a peep. As we made our way through the day, I thought about that a lot. "The elephant in the room....we maneuvered around it, we looked the other way, we were quiet....I have never been so aware of that phrase being alive and well in my home as yesterday. I wondered which is healthier....to hit it head on, to call it all out and state what we are seeing? Or to let it go.....we all know what is taking place, as does H. What is the point of causing a big upset after all of this time, putting her on the defensive, making her feel rejected and judged? I know that the times I have been the recipient of Gods undeserved love and compassion....those have been the times that have broken me and changed me like no harsh discipline could have.

I thought of what she said to me the last time I saw her...."It is what it is Mom. Can't you just accept that?" Maybe I have to. Maybe I have to accept that, and part of me accepting that "it is what it is" and there is nothing more that I can do to save my daughter is part of my step one. I am powerless, but God is not.

I am praying......
Annette

Happy Mother's Day....

2012-05-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of us Mama's! I hope everyone has a wonderful day. Focus on the good.

My girl texted me yesterday asking if I would be home today so she could come and bring me something. Even if she doesn't make it, just that she thought about it is enough. We had planned a big hike, but then changed our minds. I am gone so much right now, we decided to spend the day at home and work in the yard together. So YES, we will be home all day! Come please! So now we are barbecuing and kids will show up as their schedules allow. Molly has to work until 5. Big brother is the next state over.

We were going to plant a dogwood tree today for my mom and myself. However, there are none to be found in my entire county! All are sold out. So I have to wait until January....which is fine. Its actually better to plant them in their dormant season anyway.

I am missing my mom something fierce today. We always did lunch and a movie with whoever of my girls that were available and would quibble over who was going to pay. "Well you are a mom too, Annette. Why should you get stuck paying for everything?" I would say we could go Dutch if that would make her feel better! I would end up paying for lunch and she would buy the movie tickets. She LOVED going to the movies.

So on with my day....Molly told me to go *run* and let all of my tears out. I don't know about that...I don't know if I am physically capable of running and crying at the same time. Both activities require lots of air and breathing simultaneously. Lets not get crazy.

Have a beautiful day all of you mama's. Enjoy the one's you are with and the one's we don't get to see, we can lay gently into God's hands for safe keeping.

Love to all....
Annette

Humility.....

2012-05-11T08:40:00.003-07:00

There we go.....some how Blogger has righted its wrongs all on its own without my lifting a finger to tell them how and what to do. Amazing!

I am currently working for a family who I really enjoy. The client is adorable and I just love him. However, I think things are going in one direction and if that is the case, I am used to handling that in a certain way. The main caregiver (of which I am not) does not agree with me. I am not used to that! I am used to *being* the main caregiver, helping the family develop the plan of care, and being the one to direct everyone. Doesn't that sound like a co-dependents dream job?! I mean really....I think I know what is best and I love to tell other people what to do. However this time, I don't get to be in that position. This time I am having to concede to the main caregiver and let him be in charge and just go along with the plan he has developed. And thats ok. As I get used to that idea it is becoming more comfortable. I don't have to make any big decisions....I just have to show up and do my job.

This is requiring me to actively choose to respond in humility. To acknowledge that this other person might know more than me about this particular situation. He has been there a lot longer than me and has a much closer relationship with the client.

Sometimes I think God is giving me a break from always feeling like I need to be in charge, and I don't even recognize it. I think I am going to begin to listen more for those lessons. I am tired of running the show.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days as I haven't been home much, but last time I checked my loss was 21 lbs. People are beginning to notice and I am noticing that my neck skin is a little like crepe paper. Gosh, I'm trading one problem for another!

Ok All, Have a wonderful day. Its gorgeous here!
Praying for all of us.....
Annette

Testing

2012-05-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

First off this a test....lets see if this comes through my Google reader. If so....then I have some things to say! See you in a bit.
Annette

Old friends and getting fit.....

2012-05-08T18:43:00.001-07:00

Today I walked with an old friend. Not old as in chronological age....but as in we have known each other for around 20 years. We haven't seen each other in a social way in probably half of all of those years, at least. Our lives just took us in different directions....but we would run into each other here and there and it was always so nice. I always loved seeing her around town. And Facebook...how can I forget facebook! She is one of my mountain climbing friends who inspired me to get out there and get moving over a year ago with all of her great photos!

So she has been a runner now for a bit of time. Like really a runner....like a lot of miles. Fortunately for ME, she hurt her foot and in her recovery has had to walk.....so today we got to walk together. It was *wonderful* hearing about the processes she has gone through in her life, what her kids are all up to, hearing about the things she has learned and opened herself up to through the years.

All I could think was how beautiful the journey is that God takes us on. It almost always contains some sort of heartbreak, some sort of breaking of our will, extreme pain, anger, ugliness, and ultimately us surrendering to Him and acknowledging that we can't do *it* (whatever *it* is for each of us) without Him. This friend has learned these lessons better than most.

On the other side of those times of purging and pain is freedom and acceptance. We begin to understand that we are accepted right where we are. We begin to know that its not about our own abilities to be perfect or good enough or figure out the answers. As we begin to let go it becomes more about what has God has given to us in the arenas of forgiveness, redemption, acceptance, and hope. I can't, but God can....so I think I will let Him.

Fitness has become my friend's passion and I was excited to hear that she is starting a fitness email club/thingy. If I am understanding her correctly, she will send out a daily or weekly set of exercises to do. I was thinking it was perfect for me as my time with my trainer winds down. I can send off a quick email saying I did them.....I am all about accountability these days. Someone to weigh in with, report that I did or didn't reach my exercise goals each week, because I still have a lot of pride....I don't know how that is possible, but I do! I would rather eat sawdust then admit to someone that I flaked out on my routine. So God is opening new doors, reuniting old friends, and teaching us all that where ever we are at, He is there too. We are never alone. We don't have to do it all perfectly....we just have to keep getting up, keep coming back, and keep being open to whatever is next on His agenda.
Mucho Love,
Annette

Grateful

2012-05-05T20:45:00.001-07:00

I had this whole blog post forming in my mind about the hurried life so many of us live. I read something in a daily reader that spurned that idea on.....but really, I have so many things I am grateful for today that I thought I would share those and save my "hurried" post for another day. So here we go......

Someone commented on an old post this morning. It was this post. I went back and read it and I was so surprised....I had forgotten about having all of those hurt, angry feelings toward my mom. I think back on the 6 weeks we spent together before she died and I am SO INCREDIBLY grateful for that time. Really, there are no words. It was so honestly the right thing for me to do for so many reasons. And I am so glad and grateful that I got to give that to her. So much healing took place for she and I and hopefully for my siblings too. Awhile back a friend started an ACA group and wanted me to come. At first I was excited to go and then it dawned me I wasn't in that hurt place anymore. I had just had this beautiful time with my mom and I didn't want to dredge up all of that stuff that I really felt like we had just wordlessly worked through. I recently ran into the same friend and she told me that someday even though my mom is gone, it would "still do me good" to go to the meetings. I just knew in my heart that that wasn't the truth for me. That I was really ok and not still all wrapped up in the past and my childhood. Those things happened, many things were hurtful, yes, she wasn't a glowing mother most of the time, my emotional needs were unmet in some large ways, but she did love me so much and I believe completely that she truly did do the best she knew how to do....and what more can I ask from anyone? So today I am grateful to love my mom, to feel that we both are free in forgiveness, that I can see so much growth and change and progress, I am grateful to not be mad anymore.

Today I walked with a friend and her mom invited me to come over afterward to help her thin out her garden and take what I wanted. I left with 3 boxes filled with comfrey, yarrow, lambs ears, hens and chicks ground cover, Shasta daisies, some kind of lilies, hostas, and something else that reminds me of painted ladies....I got most of them in the ground at my house this evening. I am planning my backyard re-do and am excited about that.

Molly is here for a visit this weekend. I made a healthy version of her favorite spaghetti dinner, we have a hike planned for tomorrow, and she is downstairs now working on a birthday gift for a friend. We have visited and talked and I have been thoroughly updated on all the things in her life that she wants me to know about. I have heard about class discussions, track, boys, friends, her views on so many various topics...and I am a good audience.

She and I had planned earlier in the week to have some of our favorite ice cream for dessert tonight when she was here. I am so grateful that as we got closer I actually wasn't too interested in it at all. I ended up having my healthy spaghetti and 3/4 cup of my favorite ice cream. My desires are changing. It was good, but I wasn't obsessed with eating the whole pint...and believe me, there was a day that wouldn't have given me a second thought.

On my way to my walk this morning...I stopped at a yard sale. I got a big box filled with a wooden train set for 10.00 for my friends little 2 year old boy. Very exciting, but the item that made my day was an American Girl doll that is the bff of Felicity, the Americn Girl doll that Lu already has. "Elizabeth" came with 2 dresses, two pairs of shoes, some hats and various other little accessories.....for the grand total of 25.00. This was around 200.00 worth of merchandise for 25.00. Lu was so excited and I got a bargain so we both had a good morning.

Today has been a good day.

Praying everyday......
Annette

The Affects of Addiction...on everyone.

2012-05-04T09:39:00.001-07:00

Is it "affect" or "effect?" lol

Molly texted me yesterday morning: Mom, I just had an awful dream.

For Molly's senior pictures the photographers put together a video of her photo shoot.....it was beautiful and when we got to see it, I cried. I won't subject you all to watching it, only because I don't know how to get it from my FB page to my blog. So go ahead....I can hear you sigh in relief. ;o)

*Molly said the dream was like the video, only it was about H and it showed her progression as an addict. It started off with her beautiful, a young teen, smiling, happy...but then each shot showed the slow small changes that take place. Her face began to get more drawn, more pale, thin, sunken cheeks, eyes at half mast, skin broken out and dull, hair wild and unkempt.

I called her and we talked for a bit. I said, "she's not doing good....maybe there is a part of you that knew that inside yourself and it came out in your dream."

It touches all of us in different ways in this family. One is quiet and thinks about it all a lot, one talks about it all a lot and writes about it and dreams about it and prays about it, is obsessed with not being obsessed with it. One is compassionate and patient and loving but also carries anger and fear, one just wonders what the heck is going on but I see the stress rise up in her spirit when the topic comes up or H arrives. She is on guard and watching. One is just done and disgusted and wants nothing to do with the whole mess.

Thus.... addiction is truly a family disease. We all have our walls to break down, our fears to conquer, our resentments to let go of, forgiveness to seek and give, and expectations to let go of.

Just for today I will put my family into God's hands for safe keeping. He can sort out all of these details in ways I can't even imagine.

Praying....
Annette

*Shared with permission

My trainer and me.....

2012-05-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

So as of yesterday I was down 20.2 lbs. Thats a milestone and I thought that for every 20 lbs (I have three more sets of 20lbs to go....although that is a lot of weight and I don't know if its a realistic goal anymore to get that low....we will see) I could reward myself with my favorite ice cream. I haven't actually done it yet, and I wonder if just knowing that I can, that I have permission if I want to, will be enough.

Today Lu and I had lunch at Subway and I ordered my 280 calorie lunch and was fine with that until I saw the cookies, and I really wanted one. A white chocolate macadamia nut one to be exact. They happened to have a nutrition info sheet right there so I looked up a cookie and it would have added 230 calories to my lunch. Having that bit of info completely took away my desire and I was fine with my sandwich and diet coke. Diet coke is my new treat as I am working on cutting way down on that too. I used to drink a large (or two) everyday. Now I have a small maybe 2x a week.

The food thing is going along fine. I don't feel deprived, especially when I look at calories and fat grams and think of what its doing to my heart and arteries and my body in general. I don't have any pressing food cravings.....anymore. I think it really is like a habit and I had to break my bad habit of eating in a hurry or out of boredom or emotion and begin to plan my meals, make good choices that would fuel my body....and now I am used to that. I am truly ok with it. At least today I am. lol

So Miss Cutie Pie and I have never really clicked (and thats not my norm) and today I think I figured it out. I am emotional and very into understanding my feelings and owning my feelings and acknowledging my feelings and dealing with my feelings....and the feelings of everyone else too. In case that hasn't come across already. Miss Cutie Pie told me a story about her little daughter who was being bullied in school. The story was just killing me, I could just feel the fear and worry this little thing had been carrying around and even said, "Think of the weight that she has had on her shoulders." Miss CP looked at me like she didn't get it, she was very matter of fact, the school was handling it, and she was "very disappointed" that her daughter hadn't said anything to her about it. I, on the other hand was almost in tears.

It occurred to me that this is it....we come at things from totally different places. If I had had a client come in sobbing because she was fat and afraid, I would have sat down and listened, off the clock no less, to what was ailing her soul. I would have hugged her and told her how beautiful she is, and that our biggest priority is to be healthy....physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would have worked with her to create a plan to take steps in that direction. My client would have felt loved and supported and nurtured and like I was a safe person to let her guard down with.

When I came in sobbing, fat, and afraid, Miss CP in all sweetness tilted her head and said, "Awwwww, its ok." lol I can only imagine what was going through her mind. Probably something like, "OMG get me outta here!"

We have created a fine working relationship and we do just fine together. But we are two very different women and that is fine. Its good for me to be with people who are tough and not all about feelings and emotions. There is that side too.....where we just do what we need to do. So I have 3 visits left and then I will drop down to 1x a month. She has gotten me going, has taught me a lot and I will check in with her so I have someone to be accountable to. Overall....its been a good investment.

Praying always.....
Annette

PS: And I won't even get into my response if one of my kids was being bullied. ;o1

Blessings.....

2012-04-30T21:55:00.001-07:00

This little dish now sits right next to my God box. I received this sweet gift in the mail today from a blogger friend along with a note, a beautiful poem by Mary Oliver, and a sweet picture of this person's child which has been added to my God box and will be prayed for each day.

I am so grateful for the many connections I have made through this blogger world of ours. What an unusual way to make friends....but the journey we share breaks down barriers of distance, race, gender, religion, politics, and binds us together in our hope and faith for the healing of our precious kids.

Today I walked to work....I have a job that is about a mile and half from home which is very rare. My walk home was in the evening hours.....so beautiful. I turned my iphone off and listened to night noises. Such a blessing. Cool air, crickets and frogs. I passed my neighbors enormous garden and saw that they had tilled the land and were getting it ready for planting. I love watching this garden come alive each year.

The apple trees are in full bloom in my neighborhood. The streams are flowing and making their nature music....I love the sound of water.

I have many many blessings in my life today that I am grateful for. My world is not perfect. There are things that worry me, that take my thoughts off in all kinds of directions... but there is so much good too. I am not alone in this journey. None of us are.

Blessings to all of us and those we love....
Annette



        The Journey
      By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by lttle,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing that you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

A really good day.....

2012-04-28T19:30:00.001-07:00

me on the left and my sweet anonymous friend. ;o)

I did my walk today. Lots of fun being with friends. My beautiful Molly met us there for a visit before she went off for her day....that girl brings me so much joy. There were so many people there with t-shirts made for their team that were in honor of their loved one who had died due to their mental illness. Suicide, overdoses....ugh. It was so sad and for some reason I hadn't expected that. Of course it makes perfect sense that there are thousands of other broken-hearted parents out there carrying their own burdens of sadness and doing what they can to make a difference.

After the walk my friend drove us around to see these beautiful homes built in the 40's. Gorgeous! These homes were part of the American dream. Pristine, beautiful, craftsman mansions down to bungalows. I loved them... and considering the slim possibility that we don't get to retire to a yurt by a lake, I have discussed moving to the city into a little bungalow, where we could use one car, public transportation, walk, ride a bike, have a normal sized yard, one dog, and simplify our lives in a big way.

I met with a beautiful friend today who shares this journey with me. We talked about how our only hope is the merciful God we have come to know. How our kids are not bad people, they are sick people. I thought of how unnatural my parent journey is with H. The dramatic but very feasible fears that plague me at times, the constant battle to keep my thoughts in a healthy place, a place of faith in a power greater than myself, the not knowing so much about my girl's day to day happenings, the worry and concern, the letting go, the relinquishing control at the most primal level, the surrender that needs to take place on a daily basis.....it all feels like a lot of work on some days.

On the other hand, my son sent me pictures of the picket fenced vegetable garden area he built over the past couple weekends. He is learning about the joys of home ownership, taking pride in your efforts, and the satisfaction of a job well done. I am so happy for him.

I am filled with gratitude tonight for the good things in my life. Where there is breath there is hope. I will keep hoping and praying.

Much love to all....thank you for reading and commenting. It really means so much.
Annette

Good morning....

2012-04-27T08:21:00.001-07:00

I don't have much to say today. There just isn't much to say...

My good news:

My son got the job he applied for with full benefits.

My other girl Molly has a track meet today and those always are exciting for me to hear about.

Tomorrow is my NAMI walk and I will be with a bunch of good people for the morning.

Barbara gets to see Bruce Springsteen tonight and I know she is beside herself with joy. I am happy for her.

It looks like we are back to beautiful weather.

Still praying for us all.....everyone have a beautiful day.
Annette

Today I am Angry.....

2012-04-25T13:10:00.001-07:00

I walked for 4 miles in the rain this morning. It was exhilarating. The smell of the rain hitting the dirt flooded my senses with a soothing balm that comforted me in an unexpected way. God is with me.

I am angry that after spending an inordinate amount of time learning how to walk in the light and not just my perception of the light, but truly face my greatest fears, the things I had denied, or refused to look at, the things that frightened me to no end, the things that shamed me or made me feel guilty, like I've been a bad mother...after looking at each of them, dissecting them, examining them, and admitting their presence and power or lack there of, after mustering up courage I didn't even know I possessed......I am angry that the medical community is able to turn a blind eye to what is so glaringly apparent, that they allow lies to be told without acknowledging that quite possibly the lie is not the reality. It doesn't matter to them....they see sick people everyday, all day and night....but it matter's to me.

I am angry that rehabs are all about money. Huge freaking sums of money. If someone asks me one more time, "Are you willing to do anything to help your daughter get clean." What a guilt laden question. Of course I am....but the real question is, "is SHE willing to do anything to get clean" and the answer to that, young ex-junky on the phone...is "not yet."

"Mom, its not as bad you think. *I'm* not doing as bad as you think...but it is what it is. Can't you just accept that I am a drug addict and that's what we've got right now." NO!!! I can't *just* accept that! No, I refuse!! Absolutely NOT!!!!! I can accept that this is our life right now, but I will never be able to accept a life of addiction as a long term acceptable option for one of my children. I will never be ok with that.

It makes me think of the old movie "Gaslight." What I see tells me it is one way. What I am told tells me its another. I feel crazy sometimes....maybe I am over reacting. What if I am? What if I am wrong? What if she isn't as bad as she looks? What if she is.....no matter what, there is nothing I can do unless she agrees to it.

She is gone again....her swollen reddened feet carrying her out to her car. Her tired pale beautiful face telling me she loves me as she hugs me good bye.

I wish I was an artist.....I have so many pictures in my mind that would depict this tragedy of addiction as it invades a family. My family! A family that loves each other, that is close, that this never should have happened to. God damn it.

Annette

Today

2012-04-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rough day. Today I am struggling.

Today, I wish I was in charge, even just a little bit. But I'm not...not even just a little bit.

Today I wish that God worked according to my timetable....but that's not how He rolls.

Today I don't want to let go, but its my only option.

Today there is nothing I can do to change anyone else's circumstances except my own.

Today I will choose to trust God to carry out His plan just as He see's fit....even though I am impatient for results and really would rather not wait. I will though. I will choose to let go and not force a solution that may seem totally appropriate and good to me, but not part of Gods ultimate plan.

Tonight I heard at a meeting: "I find myself worrying about the next 24 hours. I forget that as I focus on the potential calamity they hold, a miracle is just as likely to happen. I could be 24 hours away from watching a miracle unfold."

Someone else spoke of the "triangulation" that they created between themselves, their qualifier, and God. God would work, but she would circumvent the consequences because she was afraid. Over and over and over again.

Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Matt. 11:28

Praying for all of you, please keep praying for us.
Annette

Secretly sick....

2012-04-23T10:27:00.001-07:00

I have come to realize that us Alanon's can get away with a lot of being sick on the inside with no one, except those who are the very closest to us, ever really knowing. A lot of the time, we look good on the outside. We are helpers and caretakers and from all outward appearances we are selfless and generous. Always putting others ahead of ourselves.

I have a very dysfunctional family in my life at this time....aside from my own. ; ) So much anger, many resentments and wielding them as weapons of destruction against each other.....unlike anything I have ever seen. It is so sad and I am having to work hard at remembering my position. Their drama is not my own. Its not mine to fix. Its not mine to resolve.

There is a history of AA and Alanon in this family....but I am not sure how much of a program was worked vs. just going to meetings for a while.

I am glad that I have a program that I have learned from. If I didn't, I would be smack in the middle of all of this drama trying to be the hero, the negotiator, bring peace where I don't think any can exist until they all come to a place of surrender.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.....

As to my own little dramatic family....my girl is not good. She is in a bad way in numerous ways. Please pray. I am. Let this be it for her. She has to be getting tired. I know that God see's her. I know she isn't lost to Him.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

Annette

PS: Weight loss as of today's weigh in.....16.2

What is Normal?

2012-04-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

Heck if I know.

Back when I was young, a child and teen, I thought it was one thing. Think "Brady Bunch." A cool trendy mom full of energy who was always supportive, cheering her kids on, happy and smiling. Dad would come in at the end of the day and smile and read the paper.

Then when I was newly married I thought it was another. I looked around me at the young women I worked with in the beauty shop...wild sex, sex toys, fancy nighties with crotchless panties....and none of that was my personality at all, so I always felt like an imposter, a show girl trying to act a part. Hey, it was the 80's!

When I started having kids I had some ideas about what a normal childhood would look like. Think "Leave it to Beaver." Stable mom and dad, home every evening, mom home all day, dinner cooked every night, house clean at all times, and for me add in that hippie element of breastfeeding and home made baby food, chubby little bare feet learning to walk, and naked babies on the shore of the river in the summer, and long flowing skirts and Birkenstocks. lol

FFW to now.....young adult kids finding their way. Nothing is perfect. One is forging his path building a loving relationship, a career, a home. One is an addict spinning out in the world trying to keep up with herself. One is running her heart out and trying to make her way through school, while working at her job that she loves....selling beautiful bras, and one is curled up next too me on the couch loving her life of solitude, "the family," birthday parties, and video games.

I came into this life not knowing what "normal" is or was. And I still don't. I just know what feels right. Thankfully, I have come to be more merciful with all of us. I have come to understand that our mistakes are our greatest teachers, that we all need God's grace and mercy. That there is no such thing as perfection. That we all are different and what is "normal" for one, may not be for the next.....even within the same family. And its alright.

I used to think that normal meant going to college (even though I never went,) getting your degree, getting a good job, falling in love, getting married and then making me a g-ma! My belief system would encourage no pre-marital sex...although I don't even know if that is still considered a possibility amongst most of our kids. Its certainly not as important to me as it used to be. In comparison to addiction....sex before marriage, living together, even babies out of wedlock, is really not that big of a deal anymore. Physical and emotional harm are still concerns though.

So what is normal? Maybe there is no such thing.

The things that are important to me now are, living an honest life, communicating with each other, acceptance, being open, thinking before you act and speak, living with integrity and according to your own set of ethics and beliefs, walking in forgiveness with our fellow peoples, being open and welcoming, being physically healthy, finding joy in simple joys....like chubby baby feet still bring me great joy. Watching the seasons change around here really makes me happy these days.

Maybe all of that hard work in my early years were really misguided efforts on my part. Maybe it was all much simpler than I ever thought. Maybe normal was whatever felt right in my heart and soul all along.

On to a full day of birthday gift shopping, earth day festival, birthday party, a good long walk, cooking some delicious and healthy food, a few loads of laundry, and then on to work tonight to fill in for my co-worker who is going to Vegas to renew her vows with her Love on their 5th anniversary. Elvis is performing the service. ;o)

Everyone have a good one....
Annette

The difference between this mom and dad

2012-04-20T08:27:00.002-07:00

Molly got a flat tire. A friends dad who lives near by her went to change it for her, even though we have road service. She didn't know who to call etc....it was easier to ask a friend for help.

The next morning I text this:
Moll, you need to go to the tire shop and have the flat repaired and put back on the car and the spare put back in the spare spot. While there ask them to rotate all of the tires. Its free so please do it.

Dad texts this without knowing I have already spelled out instructions to her: Hey honey, want me to meet you at the tire shop so we can get your tire taken care of. It has to get fixed and put back on the car. Then we can do lunch at Chipotle.

How can I compete with that? LOL My big tough guy has a heart of gold.

My smile for the day.....
Annette

PS: I have many of these examples....H was 6 and standing on the top of the hill side looking down at her new soccer team which consisted of all boys. She was nervous, afraid to go down. I am there, "Come on. You have to do it. No quitting. It will be fine. blah blah blah blah." Dad drives up and asks whats wrong..."I'm the only girl and I've never played before. I don't think I wanna do this dad."

I start on my speech about not quitting and dad stops me and says, "H get in the car." "Annette, she's only 6. She can quit this time if she really isn't comfortable. Maybe this isn't going to be the thing for her, or the time for her." I can only imagine the relief my quiet little spirited thing felt at her dad's words. Btw, she went on to be an award winning soccer player for many years after that....starting the very next year.

We balance each other out, he and I.