When We Need More Than Good Intentions.....

I seem to come and go around here! Did you know that I have blogged off and on in this very space, since 2007! 

Life gets crazy when it is filled with lots of people. My life is radically different in so many ways than it was a year ago. Fuller, more challenging, messier, lots more laughter, lots of letting go, some regret, lots of BIG feelings to navigate and figure out, a lot of my trusting nature has been blown apart, and I have dealt with anger that I didn't even know was possible. So many of my truest beliefs and foundational concepts that I have built my life upon have been shaken and challenged as I have wrestled with the aforementioned BIG feelings and anger.  

A couple of years ago I wrote this post and this post about unconditional positive regard, radical acceptance, loving unconditionally, and creating safe spaces for healing. Little did I know what was coming....

I have missed writing here so much, so here I am. Who knows for how long....but I have a list of topics in my phone that I hope to write about, and I am sure I will gently process some of this past year or so while protecting everyone's privacy. 

I have been in my own recovery program for going on 20 years. My entire life has been spent navigating other people's substance use and mental health struggles, including my own struggles with depression, years ago. I spent years doing intense things.....running toward chaos, drama, tragedy, in my work and in my volunteer work. I arrogantly felt confident in my abilities to "handle anything." "Nothing shocks me." 

🙄 So silly. 

What I have found is that when the right spot gets touched I can go right back to that little girl who is shaking and frantic to quickly put everything together...so that I don't need to be afraid. So that I don't need to feel the discomfort, and if we can fix it quickly enough, we might even be able to pretend that nothing ever happened. I don't want to feel the pain! 

In my efforts to fix I will shamelessly stoop to behaviors that are not a normal part of my arsenal. This is not the space I live in on a daily basis. I will try to control, manipulate, guilt....all to get my way because I believe my way is the best way, and all with the best of intentions. I say I'm trying to protect the people I love the most, and I am of course, but if I'm going to really be brutally honest...I'm also trying to protect myself.  It is humbling to recognize that. right. beneath. the. surface. is. me.... in all of my bare naked glory. I still hold so much potential to be a mess. 

I need a redeemer, a Higher Power, a God who knows better than me. A God who is patient, loving, forgiving, who comes and sits alongside me and looks at all the mess that lays before me, who knows how deep my fear runs, and why, and He says, "Come on. Lets figure this out." Im not alone. None of us are alone, when we can stop running long enough to be still.  

I have learned through my years of walking out my program and my relationships....that healing takes time. Often it takes a lot of time. More than we can imagine. Me getting my bearings is taking time. More time than I want to give myself. I think I "should" be better at this. My faith "should" sustain me. My tools "should" be enough to navigate rough times.

 I need space to make mistakes and not do it perfectly.  We all need unconditional love and care and grace to find our place, to find our peace again. And again, and again. We all need time. 

Coming here to share with you, my trusted readers, if there are any of you left, is my gift to myself. I hope that you read something here that fills you up and meets a need for yourself as well. If nothing else you will know that you are not alone. I'm here too. Figuring out the twists and turns of a life filled with everyone's best efforts, including mine, and we are all doing the best we can, and that is good enough. 

So much love to all....

Annette