Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
I've thought so much about this topic of anger. I'm determined to not let my life be consumed by my feelings of betrayal, hurt, resentment, and anger.
We know that anger is a secondary emotion, usually with an underlayment of fear, hurt, outrage at injustice, overwhelm....so I've been digging in and trying to dismantle this and find solutions. Most of my readers know that I have a faith that guides my life and I attend several 12 step meetings a week...which for me is my church. Some of the tools I am using are listed below.....
1. Praying: "God have mercy and show me how to do this!"
2. Talking to my sponsor/s and close friends and having them help me to decipher through my feelings.
3. I'm doing some fourth step work...the old fashioned way. Columns, handwriting on lined paper, looking at who the resentment is toward, what caused it, what has the affects been, and what has been my part.
4. I'm feeling it. I'm letting myself feel what is underneath it, what is fueling it.
5. Owning my part and making an amends. Not carrying responsibility for how it is received. I cleaned up my side of the street which was all I had any control over.
6. I'm *trying* to adjust my expectations... what an amends would like, is an amends warranted, will I ever receive an amends, and if I don't....what will that look like for me? Can I forgive anyway?
7. Accepting that this situation may leave its mark on me for a very long time, maybe even forever. I am a different person than I was a year ago. I am shocked. I've navigated all sorts of holy hell through my lifetime... and that THIS relationship is what flattened me, shocks me. What I do know is that God allows shit to happen and then uses it to transform us....if we allow Him to. People hurt us sometimes... its a risk we take when we open our hearts to other's and freely show up. I NEVER want to stop showing up because I'm afraid of being hurt. Ever ever ever.
8. Hurt people hurt people. Once I know that someone has the potential to be dangerous or cause harm to me or the people I love, I can be merciful in my thoughts, but I can set firm boundaries to protect our safety as well.
9. Writing here and journaling privately. I began doing a daily 10th step....taking a daily inventory of myself. Was I dishonest or resentful? Do I owe anyone an amends? Am I worried about yesterday or tomorrow? Am I obsessing over anything? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
10. Keep loving.
I've hardly had time to write here....I live in a household of nine people. Four of them are under the age of 7. My time is not my own and that is ok. Everyone works full time, except for me who works part time. Or are in school, some are working full time and in school simultaneously. 🤪 There is the house, the yard, feeding everyone, relationships with family and friends, our emotional care, playing...its unavoidable with four littles. I want to provide safety, security, comfort. I want to read the good books outloud and expose them to nature, art, to pretend play, building and creating, to cooking alongside me. Some days we get closer to our goals than others. And I want to be ok with that. No striving for perfection. When I die in 30 years or so, I want them to tell stories and say, "Remember when she would make the sound of a crow in a crowd to find us?" Lol
Remember when...
And there is no room for carrying anger and unforgiveness in this life. No energy, no room. Bring that to fruition dear Lord.
Annette
"I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief." - C.S. Lewis
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