Unconditional Positive Regard

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers

In my doula training I learned about "unconditional positive regard." After caring for the dying for the past 20 years, this was absolutely the most powerful part of my schooling. Terminology for what had always been in my heart. It so deeply resonated with my belief in God's unconditional love that is available to all of humanity. I too, have been in a place of so desperately being in need of unconditional love and acceptance, and I know the powerful healing that takes place, just by experiencing love without a price tag or an expectation to reciprocate in any specific way. No judgements, no opinions of my rightness or wrongness....just loving me right where I am at, in all of my failure and brokenness. 

Unconditional positive regard... is a teaching by Carl Rogers that is based on accepting and supporting our person/client/family member/sponsee/friend, placing no conditions on this acceptance. Meaning we show up and allow people the space to be where they are, accepting them as a human being who is doing the best that they can, understanding that their surface behaviors are merely the symptoms of what is underneath. Unconditional positive regard separates the person from their actions and gives them space, with dignity and grace, to acknowledge their faults and to begin to create change in their lives. 

It is an honor to be allowed to sit with our people in the muck and the mire and then begin to walk our way out together. It requires a significant element of trust and surrender on both sides. We care for our person and we allow them the space and permission to have their own feelings and experiences...no matter how ugly or how much we may disagree. We extend grace, mercy, and space to lay out their worst feelings in all of their glory and find that they can still be accepted. We have no expectation of any particular outcome. We become a neutral place, a receptacle, to receive their pain....and in that acceptance, the conditions for change can be created. It is a form of creating viritidas, cultivating change and growth and healing. 

UPR can be messy...but there is a definite delineation between "their stuff" and "our stuff." We have to start with people somewhere. We can't wait for them to neaten themselves up, sober up, not be homeless, to stop struggling in the ugliest of ways, to not need help...if they could have, they would have. That reminds me of cleaning house for the housecleaner, or using all of my will power to stop "sinning" so that Jesus will love me. When really, sinking into the mess is the beginning of being released from the mess. 

I think we as humans get tripped up thinking that acceptance of the person is acceptance of or condoning the problematic behaviors...but no. Its stripping away the facades, the denial, its laying down our concern of what other's will think... and then diving into what is the reality. Showing up and being present, listening, holding space, reflecting back what is happening, empathizing, validating, walking it out...without judgement. Like everything, this requires our time and a commitment. The closest thing that I can compare it to is discipleship. We can't fix, remedy or heal anyone....we don't hold that much power but we can walk out daily life with one another. It's like laboring with someone as they give birth to their healing. 

When I come into a family situation for my work, I am the newcomer. They are my teachers as to how things work within their family system. I am not there to change anything or anyone...I am merely there to accompany and to serve. Sometimes we have years of history to navigate as my client ties up their loose ends in preparation for their journey. Sometimes I walk into a family where all is well, joy abounds, and they celebrate their person's life as they make their way forward. I am the recipient of the gift of being allowed into their kingdom. 

When I am speaking with a sponsee, or a parent of a child who is struggling with a substance use disorder, or a homeless friend, again, I get to listen, not direct and give advice. It's ok to not know the answers for another person. I used to be so deeply uncomfortable with that thought...today I feel tremendous relief at that idea. Everyone gets to choose how to proceed...and I get to love them where they are. Healing and recovery are processes of self discovery....not following the rules and expectations laid before you. Their healing, our healing...all takes time. 

And more than sharing unconditional positive regard with others.....is granting it to ourselves. More on that another day. 

With so much love, 

Annette