My Little One
Im sitting here with a free afternoon, while Little One drives off to her college class, with plans to walk her boyfriends new puppy after school while he is at work, after spending the morning filling out online job applications and driving up the mountain to introduce herself to the manager of the local grocery store, then will finish her day with her evening class. She will graduate from high school this May.
This is my child who was struck by a bout of debilitating depression at the age of 13. I could see it brewing at 12, but kept telling myself it would pass. I in no way felt like I could handle doing this again. This was exactly how "My Girl" began her journey. I absolutely could not lose another child to this shit. Finally, I couldn't ignore it or hope for the best anymore. I had to take action. Her teacher, also an old friend, called me and said, "Its time for you to call the dr. She's confused, her memory is not holding onto information, she is lethargic, etc etc." All of the symptoms were there. Self harm, school refusal, isolation, stopping all outside activities because she couldn't' manage them anymore, panic attacks, she said her arms and legs felt like they weighted a thousand pounds and she couldn't move them....I was so afraid, so devastated. It also confirmed for me though, that what My Girl had gone through was real. It was so real....if there had ever been any doubt, this ended it. Little one was a baby when my girl's issues began. She couldn't remember and be replicating them for attention. There was just no way. So all of the talk and the suggestions that maybe my struggling older daughter had been manipulating us, were put to rest. The difference this time was that Little One had watched My Girl through the years and was terrified of substance use.
This was a different time altogether... 13 years had passed since we had been sitting in these same dr's offices with My Girl. This time though, things were handled so differently. Little One was given a psych eval immediately, a psychiatrist, a therapist, put into a girl's group-therapy once a week. She met with her group every single week for more than 2 years. She followed her therapist's instructions, took her medication, began to vocalize what she could manage and what was too much, and we tried to honor her words. Her psychiatrist wrote a letter so that she only attended school for half days, there were times we thought we would have to resort to home/hospital schooling, she fought to make it through her freshman year of public high school, but was drained. It took everything she had to make it work, she had accommodations in place, most of her teachers were very sympathetic and did whatever they could to help....but still the panic and tears would hit and there she was. Sitting in the middle of her peers, exhausted, drained, and using all of her resources to hold it together. She would come home and go to bed.
Finally we all agreed, it shouldn't be this hard and she homeschooled for 10th-12th grade. For 2 years she stayed home, rarely leaving the house. She taught herself Japanese, and read through the Merk's medical Manual, studying various conditions. She took notes and tabbed the pages of the books she read, made flash cards, and pages of diagrams, she immersed herself in her studies of the things that she loved. She spent her time drawing beautiful faces, and getting her school work done and going to group and seeing her counselor. My attempts to push her out of her comfort zone, because "You can't just stay at home 24/7," and take her places.....we would plan trips to San Francisco, to the art museum, a Japanese day school down at a city college, hiking, would all result in her only being able to manage a couple hours, trying so hard to comply and make me happy, until she would have to go back to the car. I would tell her my newest "fun" idea and she would reply, "I know you want me to do this, so I will try, but I really don't want to." I was certain if she just tried it she would have fun. I was wrong every single time. I wanted her to be ok so badly, to be happy, and every time we had to head home with her sleeping in the seat next to me, drained from working so hard to be present and social and engaged...my heart broke for her. And me.
During this time she got a new psychiatrist who was certain she had Aspergers. She agreed to the day of testing, "to prove I am not autistic." She was right...no autism. "Just" major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. An introvert through and through.
Finally I stopped. I just let her be. I took the pressure off to "be better." I let go. Again. I struggled within myself....it was incredibly unfair that a mother be asked to let go of two of her children in these ways, with no guarantees of healing. How could this even happen?
Last summer, my Little One, my Laurel Grace, asked me about taking a college psychology class. Her homeschool mentor-teacher and I helped her to get that going. She took 2 classes that first semester, ending them with an A and a B. She is taking 2 more classes this semester, with plans to go back after graduating from high school in May. She met her boyfriend who is such a sweet kindred soul. Kind, and quiet, and respectful, but daring and active and pushes her outside of herself in ways that probably no one else would be able to. They go rock climbing, snowboarding, hiking, they have camping trips planned for this summer. He plays music and she watches at his events. They are so considerate of each other. He wanted to give her a surprise party for her birthday this year.....I said, "You are probably the only person on earth who could pull this off and it be ok." She asked me about "walking" in the graduation ceremony. NEVER did I see that coming!
Which brings us to today... She is off and creating her life that feels good and fulfilling to her.
Her therapist and I were talking a couple visits ago about how concerning her time at home was, her time, that to anyone on the outside looking in, appeared to be hours of nothingness.....but there was so much taking place that was unseen. Her body and brain were healing themselves in the quiet and the solitude. Slowly rebuilding what had been lost during the onslaught of puberty and hormonal changes that seems to trigger the genetic propensity toward depression and feeling anxious in this family. There are no words adequate to describe the panic I felt as I stood back and hoped she would find her way with the help that was being provided....but knowing that my methods weren't working and possibly were only complicating things further for her.
Watching Laurel's journey, and the excellent care she received, her total compliance, and thinking about My Girl, whose mental health needs were not met in any similar fashion, seeing the two different outcomes, is so deeply sad. My Girl should have received the same respectful care that her sister was given. Maybe things would have been different? Maybe not. We will never know. It was such a different time. Mental health care was different, especially for adolescents even as recently as 17 years ago. We have the same giant HMO, but they have changed and learned through the years....out of necessity. There has been a lot of legal action taken, state investigations, fines and penalties leveed due to their lack of appropriate care for mental illness. My girl continues to fight her battles, she has made so much progress. Life continues to be challenging for her though. Its a lot of hard work day in and day out, just to live, but she keeps at it, every day. I wrote about purgatory a couple months back....that is her life. Not wholly healthy but not wholly broken either. Her tenacity to keep moving forward inspires me.
And to my Laurel... I am so happy for you my sweet girl. Thank you for letting me share your story here. I love you forever.
Momma
This is my child who was struck by a bout of debilitating depression at the age of 13. I could see it brewing at 12, but kept telling myself it would pass. I in no way felt like I could handle doing this again. This was exactly how "My Girl" began her journey. I absolutely could not lose another child to this shit. Finally, I couldn't ignore it or hope for the best anymore. I had to take action. Her teacher, also an old friend, called me and said, "Its time for you to call the dr. She's confused, her memory is not holding onto information, she is lethargic, etc etc." All of the symptoms were there. Self harm, school refusal, isolation, stopping all outside activities because she couldn't' manage them anymore, panic attacks, she said her arms and legs felt like they weighted a thousand pounds and she couldn't move them....I was so afraid, so devastated. It also confirmed for me though, that what My Girl had gone through was real. It was so real....if there had ever been any doubt, this ended it. Little one was a baby when my girl's issues began. She couldn't remember and be replicating them for attention. There was just no way. So all of the talk and the suggestions that maybe my struggling older daughter had been manipulating us, were put to rest. The difference this time was that Little One had watched My Girl through the years and was terrified of substance use.
This was a different time altogether... 13 years had passed since we had been sitting in these same dr's offices with My Girl. This time though, things were handled so differently. Little One was given a psych eval immediately, a psychiatrist, a therapist, put into a girl's group-therapy once a week. She met with her group every single week for more than 2 years. She followed her therapist's instructions, took her medication, began to vocalize what she could manage and what was too much, and we tried to honor her words. Her psychiatrist wrote a letter so that she only attended school for half days, there were times we thought we would have to resort to home/hospital schooling, she fought to make it through her freshman year of public high school, but was drained. It took everything she had to make it work, she had accommodations in place, most of her teachers were very sympathetic and did whatever they could to help....but still the panic and tears would hit and there she was. Sitting in the middle of her peers, exhausted, drained, and using all of her resources to hold it together. She would come home and go to bed.
Finally we all agreed, it shouldn't be this hard and she homeschooled for 10th-12th grade. For 2 years she stayed home, rarely leaving the house. She taught herself Japanese, and read through the Merk's medical Manual, studying various conditions. She took notes and tabbed the pages of the books she read, made flash cards, and pages of diagrams, she immersed herself in her studies of the things that she loved. She spent her time drawing beautiful faces, and getting her school work done and going to group and seeing her counselor. My attempts to push her out of her comfort zone, because "You can't just stay at home 24/7," and take her places.....we would plan trips to San Francisco, to the art museum, a Japanese day school down at a city college, hiking, would all result in her only being able to manage a couple hours, trying so hard to comply and make me happy, until she would have to go back to the car. I would tell her my newest "fun" idea and she would reply, "I know you want me to do this, so I will try, but I really don't want to." I was certain if she just tried it she would have fun. I was wrong every single time. I wanted her to be ok so badly, to be happy, and every time we had to head home with her sleeping in the seat next to me, drained from working so hard to be present and social and engaged...my heart broke for her. And me.
During this time she got a new psychiatrist who was certain she had Aspergers. She agreed to the day of testing, "to prove I am not autistic." She was right...no autism. "Just" major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. An introvert through and through.
Finally I stopped. I just let her be. I took the pressure off to "be better." I let go. Again. I struggled within myself....it was incredibly unfair that a mother be asked to let go of two of her children in these ways, with no guarantees of healing. How could this even happen?
Last summer, my Little One, my Laurel Grace, asked me about taking a college psychology class. Her homeschool mentor-teacher and I helped her to get that going. She took 2 classes that first semester, ending them with an A and a B. She is taking 2 more classes this semester, with plans to go back after graduating from high school in May. She met her boyfriend who is such a sweet kindred soul. Kind, and quiet, and respectful, but daring and active and pushes her outside of herself in ways that probably no one else would be able to. They go rock climbing, snowboarding, hiking, they have camping trips planned for this summer. He plays music and she watches at his events. They are so considerate of each other. He wanted to give her a surprise party for her birthday this year.....I said, "You are probably the only person on earth who could pull this off and it be ok." She asked me about "walking" in the graduation ceremony. NEVER did I see that coming!
Which brings us to today... She is off and creating her life that feels good and fulfilling to her.
Her therapist and I were talking a couple visits ago about how concerning her time at home was, her time, that to anyone on the outside looking in, appeared to be hours of nothingness.....but there was so much taking place that was unseen. Her body and brain were healing themselves in the quiet and the solitude. Slowly rebuilding what had been lost during the onslaught of puberty and hormonal changes that seems to trigger the genetic propensity toward depression and feeling anxious in this family. There are no words adequate to describe the panic I felt as I stood back and hoped she would find her way with the help that was being provided....but knowing that my methods weren't working and possibly were only complicating things further for her.
Watching Laurel's journey, and the excellent care she received, her total compliance, and thinking about My Girl, whose mental health needs were not met in any similar fashion, seeing the two different outcomes, is so deeply sad. My Girl should have received the same respectful care that her sister was given. Maybe things would have been different? Maybe not. We will never know. It was such a different time. Mental health care was different, especially for adolescents even as recently as 17 years ago. We have the same giant HMO, but they have changed and learned through the years....out of necessity. There has been a lot of legal action taken, state investigations, fines and penalties leveed due to their lack of appropriate care for mental illness. My girl continues to fight her battles, she has made so much progress. Life continues to be challenging for her though. Its a lot of hard work day in and day out, just to live, but she keeps at it, every day. I wrote about purgatory a couple months back....that is her life. Not wholly healthy but not wholly broken either. Her tenacity to keep moving forward inspires me.
And to my Laurel... I am so happy for you my sweet girl. Thank you for letting me share your story here. I love you forever.
Momma
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Mary