Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Here We Go Again....

I haven't posted in so long but I have thought about my little spot here often and each of you who read here. So much has been going on, just no time, but today I am just doing it, even though there are a million things I could be, should be, doing.
So this will just be a sort of "update post" for anyone interested.
About 6 weeks ago I was so sick. I missed about a week and a half of work, which for me is unheard of. I am still coughing! This fluish thing that has hit so many takes so much to get over thoroughly. It has taken a lot of my time and energy though which makes me so mad. LOL I do not like to be stopped in my tracks.
I lost one of my long time clients which has been sad. I was with her for almost 4 years. I have had 2 weeks off and will begin with a new Hospice family tonight..which by all appearances was a divine appointment. An Alanon friend asked me if I had any availability to care for her sister. I did, and when I went to meet her I realized that I knew her. We had taken an art class together, and we had a mutual friend that I had cared for at the time of his passing, that she came to visit on his last day with us and bathed him in essential oils and gently massaged his legs. I was so impressed with her gentleness and the oils....I had no experience with essential oils at that time, but it was her actions and those scents that primed me for diving in later. So I am looking forward to caring for her during this time in her own life.
Molly and Ryan and Landon moved into the bottom floor of our house. That sounds so grand....but do not be fooled! LOL We have a big house that is a lot of work and money to keep going so a lot needs to be repaired and remodeled, but its homey and warm in all of its imperfection. Kind of like its inhabitants! So the kid's lease was up at the apartments they were living in, very expensive apartments. We can't give them a down payment for a house, but we CAN share our space with them and give them the financial room to pay themselves rent into their savings account so that they can eventually buy a house. They are sweet and funny and really pretty easy to live with. There is more stuff around of course, but we are figuring that out. It has motivated me to get rid of a lot of my own unnecessary stuff! Having Landon here is good for everyone's soul! He is such a happy and sweet baby. He gives kisses, smiles at everyone, is crawling like a crab, pulling himself up on everything, he lets us kiss his fat cheeks without complaint...
We are busy planning the above kid's wedding which will be on June 23. You all know how I am about weddings. If I could pick, I would do all of the set up, make everything beautiful, then go home until it was over. It is nothing about Molly or Ryan or any person or people. Its me. Its all of my own shit that still occasionally gets triggered and weddings are always my trigger. The most joyful day of my daughter's life and I will walk my way through it but its sadly never my comfort zone. Ive already cried and cried and talked to my sponsor several times over it all. Molly suggested I go to counseling. Yes that is probably a good idea! I bought a fat dress to wear so Im not even putting losing weight and being thin into the mix. I am just doing the best I can and remembering that its not a day that is about me. Its about them...so I look to them, keep my focus on them and their joy and not on my own swirling head and prickly skin.
Shy introverted Little One, who has it stated in her 504 plan that she will not be called on to speak in front of the class unless she volunteers...has been volunteering 2x a week in a friend's resource room health class, and was asked to share her experience with counseling in front of the class. She was given several days to prepare and then off she went, showing very little, if any, nervousness or anxiety. She shared her story, she talked about prescribed medications and then self medicating and the dangers that come with that, she talked about how things were for her 2 years ago and "now here I am talking to all of you." There was a question and answer time and then a boy asked her to stand with him while he shared his class presentation on drugs. The teacher's aides were shocked to hear her story...."You always come in here so self possessed and together....I never would have known that you had been through any of this!"
What a huge step of progress for her! She is forging her own path that is just so not a typical teenage journey! Our homeschool teacher that we meet with once a month asked if we read any poetry as thats a state standard for juniors. I said, "No" with a "yuk!"  Look on my face....but Little One said, "Well I brought along my Viking Book of Poetry today because I was wanting to read some of it." What 17 year old junior in high school carries a 1958 Viking Book of Poetry with them?! The rest of our day was spent with her reading poetry out loud to me in the car and a lot of it was so beautiful.
My girl is moving along....making connections outside of our family with several people in long term recovery. She is serving in the shelter's AA meeting, she continues to help me each week and has even taken a shift of her own on a different night altogether being with our homeless. Our Nomadic Shelter will come to an end this Saturday. It only operates from Nov - March. We are figuring out ways to stay involved once the shelter season is over. We have made so many wonderful connections with staff members and the homeless. Figuring out what our part is, conveying love and care and acceptance.
This last weekend my girl and I walked in the Dose of Awareness walk. She walked in memory of a close friend of her's and I walked in memory of a dear friend's son and another friend's loved one. It was the first sunny day in what felt like forever! We met some other mom friends there....it was a good day until it wasn't, which is how long day's out go for her. I take what I can and let it be enough.
I will try to write more often....selfishly its for my own sake more than anything else. I do better when I am processing my life through writing. After years of using a keyboard I am not patient enough to hand write things out in a journal anymore....but I love to buy journals. Lol
Much much love to all,
My favorite poem Little One read to me the other day......
The Old Woman
As a white candle
In a holy place,
So is the beauty
Of an aged face,

As the spent radiance
Of the winter sun,
So is a woman
With her travail done.

Her brood gone from her,
And her thoughts as still
As the waters
Under a ruined mill.
         Joseph Campbell


Birdie said...

Oh, Annette. It hurt my heart to say you bought “a fat dress” for yourself. I wish I could make you see what everyone else sees. A beautiful woman that shines, with a gorgeous mane of curly blond hair and a smile that lights the universe. You are kindness epitomized and brave and strong and cool. You may have fat but you are not fat. Just like you have blond curly hair but you are not blond curly hair.

Landon is a delicious and scrumptious child. How many kisses a day do you give him?

For all live’s worries, I’m glad all your loved ones are in a good place.

Linda deV said...

This is for you, I know, but it did this heart good.

Anonymous said...

Landon makes me smile ... so beautiful!!

Glad to read your update ... you have so much going on yet handle it all with so much grace.


Mark Goodson said...

Hey Annette! It's great to get an update from you, no matter how infrequent. I've been a bit disconnected too. For good reasons. Life is keeping us busy, isn't it?

Laura said...

Love, love, love...real and hopeful!