The Myth of “wanting it”

This week I have heard so many references to “wanting it.” That our children, have to want recovery, they have to want to get well. Or if relapse occurs, “they just didn't want it enough.” 

Oh this hurts my heart. In my experiences with those suffering from addictions and alcoholism in my life, every one of them “wanted” to get well. No one wanted to be imprisoned or stuck or hurting the people they loved the most. Deep inside, where only the raw truth dwells, without any defensive responses, in a place that they have buried so deeply underneath their lies of justification and shame, they want to get well. They want to be healthy. They want to be free. 

I lived a lot of years of my girl’s addiction parroting those same principles.....she has to hit her bottom, she has to want it....and you know what that did, it freed me of any responsibility, of any sort of guilt (which I did carry despite my best efforts of shuffling it off elsewhere) and it was all placed firmly on her shoulders. It relieved me and it crushed her....my preaching that “you have to want it!” “You have to be willing to do the work!” “When you are done, call me!” I look back now and I can see how alienating those statements were to an already alienated person. To someone who already carried so much guilt and inner pain, who couldnt begin to fathom how to extricate herself from the life she had immersed herself in. When she would react in anger I would feel justified. “Well there you have it...she doesn’t want it yet.” 

It is my opinion, for whatever that is worth, that it is safe to assume that most suffering from substance use disorder want to be free. They appear to choose everything else BUT health and there are many many reasons for that. Fear of changing the life that has become their norm, it all feels absolutely impossible, its easier to keep using, where will they fit if they give up this life, hopelessness, whatever feelings they are numbing, they will have to look at and deal with, depending on how long they have been using and all that they have lost or never been able to put together....how will they begin to build a life? Support themselves? If they have children, how will they ever be able to mend the damage and hurt they have caused? We are often talking YEARS of work ahead of them. It is daunting, discouraging, before they have ever even begun. The emotional costs of getting well can often feel overwhelming. 

I’m wondering what “wanting it” would look like? Would they come crawling home, crying and humbly ask us for help? Would they promise they are done? Will they appear to be broken in spirit? Will they apologize? Sometimes that might hold true....but sometimes they might be furious at the thought of having to give up their life. They might resent the hell out of leaving their comfort zone, their place where maybe they even held some sort of position amongst their people, they might be in denial about how bad off they are...maybe they wont be living in any sort of truthful awareness until much later. Until the layers of self protection begin to be peeled back. It may take a very long time for them to experience a glimmer of hope, to see a flash of a vision of the life that is possible for them on the other side of addiction. 

As I write this, I am thinking of my girl, my mom, my dad, my brothers, my grandmother, my grandfather, my favorite Uncle Gene....all hurting people who struggled with their addictions but who also possessed love and wanted to do right. Who wanted to connect with other’s but more times than not couldn’t figure out how, but they tried. They all tried in their own broken ways and I love/loved each of these people. Some more than others. Lol 

Current research shows that “forced rehab,” such as court mandated, can be as successful as rehab by choice. Of course there are always many variables to each personal situation. It is my belief that sometimes our children are so very sick that they can’t make the choice on their own. They certainly aren’t able to navigate the complex systems of care and put it all into place on their own. 

What does this leave us with? What does it leave me with? I will assume that the majority of those stuck in addiction, want to be different, want to be healthy. That is a starting place. I also know that some may only be able to ever attain a place of using “less.” That might be as good as it ever gets for some. I think of our homeless population that I have grown to care for so very much, and the condition they arrive at our door in each week.....many of them will never know long term abstinent sobriety, but I watch them give from their little. If we run out of bed mats, I watch them volunteer to give up theirs for someone who needs it more. I watch one feed another who is unable to manage his spoon on that night, I watch them advocate and care for each other. Without judgement. 

I can no longer judge if one “wants it enough.” I just can’t. Because I believe wanting it is so much deeper than what I see on the outside. What if I begin to approach each person by giving them the benefit of the doubt, assuming that of course, given the choice, they would choose health, sanity, and freedom, if they felt that it was even remotely a real possibility for them? What if I relate to them on that level, until I am proven wrong? 

God bless us all...every single one of us who struggle with any sort of bondage that holds us prisoner. 

Much love to all....

Annette 

PS: This blog post about “love” in treatment was so very excellent. I hope you will read it.