When our daughters get hurt: #metoo

I have held onto this post for a couple weeks. Its hard to post this one...but here you have it. I always feel like shedding light on the dark takes away its power over us. I hope that is true here too. 

I am the mom of three intelligent, kind, beautiful, young women. Out of those three, two were able to join the millions of other young women who could post "me too" during the #metoo campaign on Facebook that followed the Harvey Weinstein scandal. 

Despite my efforts to protect and cherish their beautiful souls, they went out into the world and were harmed. The "me too" campaign brought all of that up again. For them, for me, for the dad. I cried and cried one night and apologized for not protecting them better. For not doing more when I did find out of their hurts. Both instances were unrelated, different times in their lives, but both girls, similarly begged me to keep quiet, to not do anything, to just let it pass....and to my horror and shame, I did. I was stuck in such an inner battle...wanting to punch and hurt these men who had brought harm to my girls, to scream and yell, call the police, and also wanting to protect and shield my girls, wanting to end their pain and embarrassment, and in the end I chose them....but was it the right choice? In the big picture, did I add to the harm done them? I don't know. What I do know is that I hurt for them so very much. I wish I had been stronger, known better, been more capable. 

We have had numerous conversations about all of this through out the years and really, we haven't come up with any real answers. I have made many amends over not knowing better what to do. What the Harvey Weinstein scandal shows us is that, sadly, tragically, WE AREN'T ALONE. We aren't alone in keeping secrets, we aren't alone in the shame and hiding and wanting to be invisible. And the denial.... "Let's act like this never happened." Just typing that makes my stomach clench and my eyes burn. 

When I started hearing about all of the women, strong, capable, professional, women who had kept their secret, who had felt shamed into silence... I knew that was exactly what my girls had done, and what I had done with the stories they had told me. The idea that someone had harmed them, been so utterly disrespectful of them, treated them in a manner with absolutely no regard for their well being, and that they....and I, had slipped away into the darkness of these secrets...when they had done nothing wrong...showed me the insidiousness of sexual abuse. The role reversals. If they had had a gun held to their heads and their purses stolen they would be seen as the victim. But having someone sexually violate and humiliate you is different.....there will be questions of whose at fault, if they did anything to bring it on, had they been drinking, what were they wearing... so they don't say anything, and in their silence the predator gains power and strength and feels indomitable. When in reality, it is the young women, far more than just my two, who are left to piece together their souls, their strength, their identity, and their pride, that have every right to feel strong and fierce and powerful and indomitable. 

Our sexuality is one of our most vulnerable aspects of our spirits. Contrary to what society tells us...which is a topic for another day LOL but  we invite people in to share in our sexual selves whom we trust, often times we love them, hopefully we at the very least care about them on some level, but the point is that WE opened the door and invited them in. Whoever they may be. When someone feels the freedom to break the door down and grab and take what they want, they have invaded and violated our most vulnerable inner places. Not just physically but emotionally, soulfully.....and its WRONG. It is so very very wrong and there are no excuses for such mistreatment of a fellow human being. 

This is a hurt that we had tucked away but has been brought back to the forefront for us....for that we can thank the brave women who spoke out about their abuser. Today we choose to look honestly at the circumstances and the pain they caused and acknowledge that yes, someone once mistreated these young women in some of the most painful ways....and it wasn't their fault. 

Annette 

I wont share my girls stories here....those are for them to share if they choose to do so. What I have shared here is written with their permission.