Self Sabotage

                                                   
I think most of us here know that stopping the drug use is just the beginning. The very very beginning of healing. All of the broken parts are now left raw and exposed, nothing to numb that pain or confusion or chaos. Through out the years that we have been traveling this road, there has been a pattern of 3 steps forward, then a plummet. That has been the one pattern that I have come to count on. I hope for something different each and every time I see forward motion...but over and over again I have watched it play out the same way. Progress that suddenly becomes terrifying, painful and deeply uncomfortable, which then turns into frantic efforts to quickly dismantle the ground that has been covered and conquered.

I can only surmise that healing and living a healthy life and the expectations that that might include.....is just too much of a weight to stand under. Staying stuck feels safer, more comfortable, than forging on ahead toward the land of the living. The ferocity of this force, the depth of this pain is not lost on me. At all. Ever.

So this is what we battle today.....this fear, this anguish, this arduous process of healing, of making good choices that lead to new life, when in all truth....the old behaviors, the old choices are what are easiest and certainly most comfortable. Letting go of what has been known and all consuming for the past so many years...I wonder if this is possible. I wonder if we will one day get to the end of this journey with nothing to show for our fortitude and our efforts. Its a risk, that is for sure. It could go that way....but I think the dad and I agree, as long as she is breathing, there is hope for change.

I just finished reading (listening to) a book by Anne Lamott...Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy. Oh I encourage everyone to read this. Living in a place of mercy, grace, compassion, is not about what I am giving to others....its about how I can be ok in my own soul. I am not a happy person when I am holding onto resentments and calculating what is fair and keeping a tally sheet of rights and wrongs, deciding what other's deserve...as if I know! I am far better off when I can let go of these frivolous indulgences of protecting myself and live openly and embrace the risk of being hurt or disappointed as a possibility, but not a probability. When I can leave setting people straight to God, and not my own best thinking.

I watch my girl and her choices are her own. I love her. I watch her battle her insides and her broken brain and all I can do is keep loving her, sending silent messages with my actions that she is worth loving. She is not lost to me or to the God that I serve....though she struggles. The poet Antonio Muchado said, "Anyone who moves forward, even just a little, is like Jesus walking on water." This is true....forward motion is often as miraculous as Jesus walking on water. Hanging on to that forward motion feels a little like it might be rising from the dead. Another miracle.

In Anne's mercy book she talks about broken people, including herself, receiving mercy. Story after story. Its beautiful. She is dear friends with Father Tom West, who just so happens to be one of my favorite recovery speakers. I went to a retreat several years ago, all by myself which was a big deal at the time, to hear him speak at a Catholic retreat center. Across the street was a silent convent. I was fascinated by that....these lovely women all living a life of silence in adoration of Jesus. Not for me.....but I sure admired them! Lol I wonder if they can write out their thoughts. I have to get everything....out. Thus this blog, as you all know.

Ok, we are off to begin a new week. May we all feel the blessings and security of knowing that none of us are alone in this journey of life.
Love,
Annette

Ok and a little spark of joy....he will be 3 months on Oct. 6. It goes so fast!