Las Vegas

                                                      
The tragedy of the Las Vegas shooting has just been one thing too many for so many of us. It is *normal* that we are struggling to wrap our heads around this heinous event. These types of violence are not supposed to be a part of our civilized world. The horror of what we hear and see played out in front of us on computer, TV, and phone screens is too much for our brains and our hearts to assimilate. The instant information, the sounds, the sights, the reliving of the fear....Molly said, "Think of how afraid everyone must have been." Oh she is so my daughter.....I replied that we can spend hours tormenting ourselves going over what it must have been like for those who were there. To think of people running for their lives under gunfire in our freedom loving, mostly peaceful country (comparatively speaking) is aberrant.  It doesn't compute. Most of us baby boomers and younger have never lived in a war torn nation. Sadly, these bursts of mind numbing violence are becoming so much more common. I will not go into why, or how, or what can be done. I am purely getting my feelings out here and I invite you to do the same in the comment section.....but this is just us processing and grieving for what has been lost.

When 9-11 happened Little One was 6 months old and I looked at her and wondered what we had done bringing a fourth child into this world. Today I watched my daughter wonder those same sorts of thoughts...."we have always felt like we live in a safe area...but really its gotten to be a world where no where is safe, mom."

Yesterday, I was livid. Filled with rage. Swearing and angry. I felt ridiculous always spouting out about mercy, grace, and forgiveness....I felt so stupid for believing such simple concepts, that such simple heart conditions if we allow them to grow, can actually affect change in this world.
 I went to a meeting last night and I listened to everyone share. No one spoke of what had happened directly of course...but the topic was "what am I doing with what I have?" Someone shared about not being a victim in her circumstances and looking for and acknowledging her part. In a round about way, I heard what I needed to hear. When it was my turn to share I said, " I have no experience, strength and hope to share tonight. I am irritable and discontent. I am angry, so so very angry. Im tired of being powerless, tired of waiting for my girl to be alright, tired of not knowing if that will ever happen and having to just trust in a power greater than myself."  I was sick sick sick of all of it yesterday! The violence of yesterday was just the straw that broke this camels back.

As I have spent the last 24 hours thinking about what I heard in that meeting, while still unsettled, those words shared last night have helped to ground me. When my thoughts are whirling, I grab onto, "what am I doing with what I have?" "What is my part?" My part is to continue to be kind, to love extra extra right now. To NOT allow acts of violence to change my heart, to NOT let them win by wallowing in my anger and fear and sadness any longer than is absolutely necessary to process it, feel it, and move on.

A friend who lives in Las Vegas marked himself safe. When I went to look at that website, there were HUNDREDS of posts offering rooms in private homes to stay in while people come to visit family in the hospital, food, toiletries, rides to and from the hospital, "where can we donate blood?" I cry every time I talk about this....because THAT is the good, the merciful, the grace, the generous spirits, that also fill this world, even in the middle of tragedy. THAT is what I want to be a part of. So today, little by little I have been getting myself back on track. I have focused on "The Helpers" and not on the destroyers. I have prayed a lot. Give me strength, fill me with YOUR love and mercy for my fellow man, even the ugly awful ones. Heal my waning spirit so that I can be strong and continue to love even when its not easy.

Keep loving, keep extending grace, and mercy and lets not let evil win. My prayers are going up for the families affected by this tragedy, that they too can not allow bitterness and fear to take root in their spirits. That they can find healing and freedom from the evil that was laid over them like a thick blanket on Sunday night.

Always praying for us all......
Annette