Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Abundant Time

My long time readers know that I have lived for years by jamming my schedule full to overflowing. I think it met some crazy need in me, fed my waning self worth to be "in demand" and needed here and there.  "I am very busy." It also meant I didn't have to look at my own issues....I was so busy helping everyone with theirs! Lol In my defense, a lot of it was work related so people were actually paying me to get into their business and help them and give advice and take care of them. I always have said, "caregiving" is a co-dependents dream job! LOL

Things have changed though. I gave up a client who was very physically and emotionally demanding. It was so hard to do, I never "quit" jobs, but this time, I knew I needed the time more than I needed to help someone else. I gave my notice, I found a replacement (which wasnt easy) but I left them in good hands. Then right after I gave him up, another client entered the hospital and has been there for a month with more weeks lying ahead. School has ended. Im still working a little....but a grand total of 20 hours vs. 60. I however, am not taking any new clients right now. I am protecting this time.

 We bought our girl an inexpensive Prius with a million miles on it so that she can drive herself to and from the clinic each day. We did it so that I can have my life back. I drove her the 120 mile round trip every day, for 11 months. It was hard, on both of us. Demoralizing for her, time consuming for me. We all, the dad, the therapist, and me, felt like it was time. It will go the way it will go.

So with that obligation off of my schedule and my current lighter work load, I have all of this time...and I will say that I am a little lost. I have so many things to do, things that I have waited to have the time for,  but I wander around looking at all of them and then go check Facebook. Lol I think for me there is something to be said for a I need to create a new routine. I find myself staying up too late, and then not able to get up early like I would like to. Sleeping in is 7:30, but still. I would like to be on a 6am schedule, pray/meditate/read, go for a walk, then get on with my day. 5am is just too ungodly of an hour for me. I want to go back to Adoration regularly, I want to work on my physical health, exercise, I want to paint my bedroom, I bought a whole bolt of fabric to make lined curtains for my bedroom that will "hopefully" block some of the sunny heat from our big sliding door, I am working on a hamper for baby Landon, I need to clear off our pool table, go through books and donate, yard work is endless....

I feel like this time is important. For the first time, though floundering a bit wondering how to get myself on task, I am thankful for the time. That is new for me. I am not afraid to face myself or what my life contains right now. The dad and I are good....we have lived for many years together with many ups and downs.....but we have come into a place of love and acceptance with each other. We admire each other in a lot of ways. He has gifts that I don't have....and I certainly have gifts that he doesn't have! LOL Bless his heart... that man gives me freedom to do life my own way. Right now, I have the gift of time to be present in my world, with my family.

Our first grandchild will be here soon. I want to be available to support Molly as she ventures into this new time in her life. And "little one," my homebody... we bought a used Canon digital camera for her, awhile back. A grown up kind, with lenses and a case and its all very important and impressive. Lol We have been talking about the places we can go to take pictures. And my girl... getting herself from one place to the next is just the beginning. But it is a beginning.

Feeling very grateful today.....


Birdie said...

I am glad you are slowing down. You are right about caregivIng being a codependent's dream job. Though I try to rationalize it by saying I am a caregiver now caretaking! 😁

Mary Christine said...

It will be wonderful for you to have the time for your daughter and her new little baby.

EssDee said...

Time is a rare commodity in this busy world, enjoy it!

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

The creative spirit needs time to rest and get bored before charging into something new. This is what a ligher load feel like don't put yourself on the to do list. Relax and let the spirit move you.

It is awkward to not be the center of the universe and takes sometime to get use to. You will adjust to the pace enjoy the quiet it won't last long. It is good to hear you are taking care of yourself long over due.