Thursday, May 18, 2017

Stream of thoughts....

A few things…..
Watching my third born child navigate her way through her first pregnancy is one of my life’s all time wonders. I can’t put into words how happy it makes me to see her love this experience and honor the changes her body is going through rather than worry about stretch marks and skin elasticity. I love that she is savoring every minute of an experience that was so monumental in my own life at one time. Her fiancee’s family is wonderful and has welcomed her in and surrounded her with love and acceptance. I am so happy to be co-grandparents with these particular people. We all can’t wait to meet this baby boy!

Our world seems to be in so much upheaval politically. It is worrisome and overwhelming all at the same time. This administration is proposing a 95% cut in funding for the Office of National Drug Control Policy. Our biggest political advocates, Michael Botticelli who *was* the director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, and Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy are gone and we are left with Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price who believes that medication assisted treatment is merely substituting one drug for another. Of course there is also Russia, health care, and ISIS, among other things to be concerned about under this new  administration. Im embarrassed as an American right now. We are a nation that feels scattered and doesn’t know what the plan is or what will happen next.

Im barely working right now. Im at a grand total of 8 daytime hours and one overnight. I have to say that I love it and it has changed my whole perspective on my life. To have enough time to do what is before me, is a gift. To just *be* with Little One without it being a rush, to be able to listen, to be able to say, “Sure” when she invites me to watch a movie….what 16 year old WANTS to watch movies with her mom?! My dear sweet husband supports me in whatever I want to do. If I want to work like a crazy woman he picks up the slack at home. If I wanted to quit all of it today, he would be ok with that. “We will figure it out.”

I have a client who is so very ill in the hospital. I obviously can’t say too much…..but I miss her. I love the free time, but I want her to be ok, whole, in mind, body, and spirit. She is youngish... her situation hits close to home for me. In so many ways.

Tomorrow is our last day at our homeschool co-op. I am so relieved I can’t describe it. It ended up just not being a good fit for us at all. Recently someone in a position of authority within the co-op, called the homeless people lined up to accept food from the food closet at the back door of the church that the co-op meets in, “Weirdos.” It *hurt* my heart to hear that. The homeless, the mentally ill, the addicted….there but for the grace of God go I. I never want to forget that. Little One said, “I think if you have ever struggled, or had a dark time, it makes you want to be nice to others who are there.” Amen baby girl!

I go to 2 Alanon meetings a week. Sometimes more. Alanon saved me when I felt like I might die from this pain. Back in my early days of all of this, when I was beside myself with shock and grief,  Alanon taught me to be still and let things unfold as they may. To not jump into the future. Live in today. Now, 12 years later, I still apply those principals on a daily basis and “in all of my affairs.” Tonight I went to a meeting and there was a broken hearted mom there for her first time, talking about co-dependency, and not enabling, and trying to figure out when to be firm and when to be loving. Such complicated issues when your child is so seemingly bent on self destruction and your heart feels like its slowly being squeezed until its ready to pop.  I feel so incredibly grateful that I have been able to hang in there for 12 years in this program. That people lovingly came along side me and supported me while I figured out my journey and now I am honored to be able to do it for others. I hugged her, gave her my number, and told her she’s not alone, she can call anytime. I referred her to where I volunteer as a parent coach. How blessed am I that I have healed enough that I can extend a hand. I never thought I would see the day….but we do heal, even when our children’s journey’s continue on.

I have no answers….as usual. LOL I rely on kindness always being the right choice, and God having a plan. Its all I’ve got.

Love to all,

PS: Im not eating sugar. My son sent me a box of chocolate covered strawberries for Mother's Day. I ate every last one! Im so easily swayed from my goals. Tomorrow is a new day. Lol


Anonymous said...

NO ONE can resist chocolate covered strawberries ... :)

Al anon saved my life, too. It took a long time and I didn't see how it would work but I just kept showing up and four years later, I feel and see the benefits of it everyday.

I agree with everything you wrote in this post. That homeless people were described as less than would break my heart, too. The lack of kindness in people amazes me. (Thank God the narcon posts on FB have simmered down...)

*There but for the grace of God, go I* is a good way to live your life.

Be well! xo

Mary Christine said...

I would say that Alanon saved my life too. I didn't go to a lot of meetings because I was busy with AA, but I read the literature every single day for many years.

I can't wait till that little baby is born. Being a grandmother is the BEST!

Anonymous said...

Chocolate covered strawberries???? Now I want one!

I just love how she is embracing her pregnancy. I can't wait till he is here!

Love you!