Love to all......I will be back soon. I miss being here.
Hinds Feet On High PlacesLife has been stress-fully busy lately. I have been to 2 meetings in the past 4 weeks...both I was incredibly grateful for. At one a sheriff came to the door and stood there looking in. My heart took off racing and I began to feel sick. Someone asked him what he needed and he was looking for someone inside the church where the meeting meets. I asked if that had produced anxiety for anyone else...every mom in the room nodded their heads. It was like an immediate anxiety attack or post traumatic stress reaction. It just showed me that inside me is a deep well of a lot of emotion, fear and feelings that are all still there. I have learned to live above them and they don't rule my life anymore, but given the right circumstances they can still be triggered and rear their ugly heads.
The second meeting was a parent meeting and the topic was on the 3 C's. I have heard lots of meetings on the 3 C's before, but this mom shared on the 3rd C...she didn't cause it. She talked about all of her "if only's"...if only she hadn't worked, if only he had gone to private school, if only she had been more strict, if only they hadn't lived in an affluent neighborhood, if only she had homeschooled him, if only he hadn't been an only child. She said she learned that to each of her "if only's" she knew someone who had done the opposite but was still in the same boat as she was. Amen Sister. It just happens.
I had a counselor explain it to me this way as I went on and on about all that I had done wrong as a mom...."If you think its your fault then you have some hope that you can change something to make it better. If its not your fault, you have no control over the situation. Its almost easier to bear the responsibility of it being your fault and having hope of change, then to acknowledge it was nothing you did or didn't do and be forced to acknowledge your powerlessness."
At that same meeting I heard a mom say that she wouldn't share her son's story because that was his to share. She could only share her's. That resonated with me and reaffirmed my goal to keep the focus on myself. I only have charge over my own recovery.
Lastly, I am reading an old book that has been one of my favorites for 30 years, with one of my clients. It is called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a Christian book, an allegory, about our journey with the Shepherd to the High Places. Not as in dying and going to heaven.....but while alive and the suffering we encounter and how as we make our way through each obstacle we become stronger, more filled with compassion, gratitude, and more surrendered to our Shepherd's will for us. Below is an excerpt from the preface that was very meaningful to me. Feel free to exchange Christ's name with Higher Power if that makes it more palatable:
From Hinds Feet on High Places pg 11-12
But the High Places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of self to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified. The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things which happen to us. Every acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrafice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth.
The lessons of accepting and triumphing over evil, of becoming acquainted with grief, and pain, and ultimately, of finding them transformed into something incomparably precious; of learning through constant glad surrender to know the Lord of Love himself in a new way and to experience unbroken union with him-these are the lessons of the allegory in this book.~
I know that in my journey in recovery I have often found myself at a point of such deep gratitude for the journey we have been on. Sadness, heartbreak, fear, and all that it has included this far, because it stripped away all of the yuk. All of the facades of trying to look better than we were. It brought us down to the bare soul of who we are, where we are. It was real. We get to look head-on at the good and the bad of who we are and deal with it accordingly. Through this journey I have found a loving God, a God that accepts me unconditionally and loves me despite my imperfections and mistakes. I don't know how I would manage if I hadn't found Him along the way.
Continuing on my journey just for today, because today is all I have.