Thursday, July 21, 2016

It's a process

Recently Little One and I had a visit with her counselor. The counselor gave us each a form to fill out and explained that at each visit we would have to now fill these out, stating what Little One's moods have been and how life in general is going for she and our family. This is a gigantic HMO so this information will be entered into a computer somewhere and on the other end will come out a graph sharing the gathered information and whether statistically the "treatment" is in essence, working or not. 

Anyone who has read here for a minute knows I loathe this stuff. I loathe anything that turns human beings into numbers on a page, that glops them all together into a big mass, I am not a joiner, and I want each human being to be recognized as the stark raving beautiful individual that they are, taking into consideration their own time tables and their own processes. 

I took the paper and said to the counselor who I adore (I swear she and I would be such good friends outside of her office if that was allowed....) 

"Well you know, we are all just people. We have ups and downs and that is just a normal part of life. I don't think that those types of good days and bad days can be used to judge whether treatment is working or not. We aren't machines that get programmed." 

She gets it, I'm preaching to the choir with her....but it's a necessary part of her job, to pass those papers out to appease the huge healthcare conglomeration. 

So in relation to the elements of addiction and mental health issues that hover all around my with Little One and her work on her depression, recovery is a process. It's a life journey of ups and downs, good days and bad days. 

What I was taught early on was that sobriety was a one time decision and anything less was a failure. What I have learned all of these years into the process, is that maybe that isn't true for everyone. Maybe it's a cumulative process of putting together good days until eventually they begin to out number the bad days. When I look back to October at "my girl's" 27th birthday which was such a hard day, filled with the realization of what bad shape she was in, which prompted me to offer a hand once again....and then I look at where we are today, there are a lot more good days than bad days. It's not perfect sobriety. But it's so much better. We share so many good moments today. I have to acknowledge that maybe this will be as good as it gets for her. Maybe not....people get well, God performs miracles, everyday. But if this is it, I am going to enjoy every good moment I can along this journey with her.

I am not going to judge whether she "wants it enough," I am going to accept her efforts as enough for today. Just like God does for me. I am loved and accepted right where I am at this moment, flaws and character defects and all and we continue to walk together to figure out the next best step to take. 

God bless us all in all of our beautiful need for Him. 

My girl keeps a fresh vase of her home grown flowers on my window sill every few days. It does my heart so good. It's one of the good moments. 


Linda deV said...

Isn't that what it is all about? Learning to celebrate the victories, the good, the beautiful and the kind amongst this mess we call life. Love your post.

Mark Goodson said...

I appreciate seeing these flowers in their fuller context Annette. I continue to pray for y'all. You are handling this nasty illness of addiction with such grace. It's incredible to watch.

Dad and Mom said...

A long time ago while Alex was still using I ask myself a question I didn't want to consider, "What if he never gets better?"

That was hard to ask myself and it was harder to answer. All of a sudden the answer was about me and not about my son whom I was trying to fix.

How was I going to live? What kind of life did I want?

Seems selfish on the outside but it is something we all must answer as we trudge through or nothing ever gets better, not them or us.

Sounds to me Annette you have answered the question and are living the answer. Peace to you and we all have your back.