Friday, June 24, 2016

Thanks to my fellow matter! Each of you!

Thursday was an absolutely horrible day. One of the worst I have had in a very long time. I ended up leaving and crying and shopping and crying and texting and crying and mulling over all of the ways that I was justified in being so upset. Then I went back home and went to bed.

Friday was a fresh start.... On our drive to the clinic my girl read out loud to me from some of my blogger family's posts, bugerlugs63 and Mark Goodson's post Spirits. As I listened I could feel that she felt understood. You were describing aspects of her life, but you have never met her. It was a bridge for us, after a rough week, and my gratitude was incredibly deep. I threw the idea out there that she could blog too. Her concern was that she wouldn't follow through, she wouldn't write frequently enough... I said, "Who cares?! Write when you feel like writing. It would be your spot to say what you want. Whenever you want. No musts or have to's."

As hard as I thought "letting go" was, it was nothing compared to standing by and watching someone you love start and stop and start and stop and struggle and be so uncomfortable, be so torn and conflicted about wanting sobriety but knowing how much easier it is to just keep using. But it's not. But it is.

And all I can do is stand by and love her. I can't fix many times have I typed those words here? Hundreds of times I am certain. Once again I am having to acknowledge my propensity to barge into other's business and try to control things and create certain outcomes that I think are best. MY character defects of codependency and control are insidious and slip in through the tiniest crack in my reserve to stand back. 

I have been mad this past week. Mad that it takes so long, mad that it's not a straight shot to health and wholeness, mad that it's not cut and dried and mad that this might be as good as it gets. There may be good times of sobriety, but there are no guarantees, especially when it comes to heroin.....of life-long sustained sobriety. 

So what I have for today is what I have. I live in a beautiful place, I have a husband pounding away outside building a new deck for us, I have freedom to do what I want when I want, I can choose to live a simple life filled with hiking and times to think and pray and write, I have a son getting married soon and that will be a fun time (even if it kills me LOL) ...OR I can choose to obsess, future trip on what might happen, how things might go, will there be enough money to sustain all of our commitments, will my feet hold out until my old age, all of the work it will take to ever downsize from this house...I have ADHD of the mind, I swear! Yesterday I chose to live in the moment, to mind my OWN business, I played cards with an 11 year old little friend...and I felt so much better. 

It is a lot of work to maintain a connection with someone who is so stuck in addiction, anyone, not just my girl. To enforce my limits and boundaries in love, without alienating or shaming, to feel the feelings of sadness, hope, love, to be present and not avoid, numb or hide from what this feels like. For me, the alternative isn't an option anymore...but looking back I can tell you it was easier. It didn't seem like it at the time, but it was. 

God is my strength.... I found this in a little shop the other day during one of my meltdowns. It is now hanging in my office. It was God saying, "I see you, you aren't alone. Keep going, you are doing fine and I am right here with you." Thank all of you for walking with me have no idea how much it means to me be in touch with so many of you. You bless me!❤️ 


bugerlugs63 said...

Now I'm crying :-) And it was one of your older posts, among others, that I was catching up on (re your brother and daughter) that made me feel understood, and started me off thinking and writing on Thursday night ... Amazing!
I was hesitant about posting bacause it is hard sometimes to follow through and keep posting and I feel bad when I avoid and leave and let people down who have supported me for so long.
It means a lot to me that your girl, in turn, felt understood. I know how rare that is for a Heroin addict. Even the "drugs workers" dont understand.
This has made my day at 23.46pm, just in time! I will go and read Mark Goodsons post now otherwise I will write a whole post here.
We do have much to be thankful for, you're right Annette.
God is present in these connections for sure.
I hope your daughter writes one day. Hugs and love x

Mark Goodson said...

I'm so glad you chose that first option Annette. There is so much in your life to be grateful for. I just wanted to say that when I was getting clean, I wasn't very open or responsive to my family. I was pissed, angry, and confused. But it was the little nuggets that family told me that eventually made the difference. I wasn't listening then, but I can still hear them now--if that makes sense.

Groundhog Girl said...

I think it would be fantastic for your girl to write a blog. I would read it and I think she would be amazed at how many people pick up a blog and share their experience. Does she know about this blog/read this blog? Wouldn't it be great for her to share her story and through some, not all comments get a real sense of being understood. As always Annette I take my hat off to you the way you support your girl and wish there was some way of easing those very bad days when your shoulders cannot take the strain without pain. Bed was about the best and only sensible option you had. I love the inspirational you found, no coincidence it made its presence known to you on the day it did.

Groundhog Girl said...

Bugerlugs63 I cannot get onto your blog. It keeps doing crazy stuff and then closing down the window. Annette your link does the same thing. Wonder if it is the interface.

Jean Lovell said...

This is a beautifully authentic post. I love it..