Friday was a fresh start.... On our drive to the clinic my girl read out loud to me from some of my blogger family's posts, bugerlugs63 and Mark Goodson's post Spirits. As I listened I could feel that she felt understood. You were describing aspects of her life, but you have never met her. It was a bridge for us, after a rough week, and my gratitude was incredibly deep. I threw the idea out there that she could blog too. Her concern was that she wouldn't follow through, she wouldn't write frequently enough... I said, "Who cares?! Write when you feel like writing. It would be your spot to say what you want. Whenever you want. No musts or have to's."
As hard as I thought "letting go" was, it was nothing compared to standing by and watching someone you love start and stop and start and stop and struggle and be so uncomfortable, be so torn and conflicted about wanting sobriety but knowing how much easier it is to just keep using. But it's not. But it is.
And all I can do is stand by and love her. I can't fix it....how many times have I typed those words here? Hundreds of times I am certain. Once again I am having to acknowledge my propensity to barge into other's business and try to control things and create certain outcomes that I think are best. MY character defects of codependency and control are insidious and slip in through the tiniest crack in my reserve to stand back.
I have been mad this past week. Mad that it takes so long, mad that it's not a straight shot to health and wholeness, mad that it's not cut and dried and mad that this might be as good as it gets. There may be good times of sobriety, but there are no guarantees, especially when it comes to heroin.....of life-long sustained sobriety.
So what I have for today is what I have. I live in a beautiful place, I have a husband pounding away outside building a new deck for us, I have freedom to do what I want when I want, I can choose to live a simple life filled with hiking and times to think and pray and write, I have a son getting married soon and that will be a fun time (even if it kills me LOL) ...OR I can choose to obsess, future trip on what might happen, how things might go, will there be enough money to sustain all of our commitments, will my feet hold out until my old age, all of the work it will take to ever downsize from this house...I have ADHD of the mind, I swear! Yesterday I chose to live in the moment, to mind my OWN business, I played cards with an 11 year old little friend...and I felt so much better.
It is a lot of work to maintain a connection with someone who is so stuck in addiction, anyone, not just my girl. To enforce my limits and boundaries in love, without alienating or shaming, to feel the feelings of sadness, hope, love, to be present and not avoid, numb or hide from what this feels like. For me, the alternative isn't an option anymore...but looking back I can tell you it was easier. It didn't seem like it at the time, but it was.
God is my strength.... I found this in a little shop the other day during one of my meltdowns. It is now hanging in my office. It was God saying, "I see you, you aren't alone. Keep going, you are doing fine and I am right here with you." Thank all of you for walking with me too.....you have no idea how much it means to me be in touch with so many of you. You bless me!❤️