Big brother let's me know he wants her at his wedding..."it's just one day, she has to be sober for one day." I say that hopefully she can pull it together and be there.....he says, "Even if she can't, she's still invited. No matter what. But she has to be sober to be there." No matter what.....but. He has no idea the fullness of what he is asking for.....but he is right to make that request. I don't blame him one bit.
Molly invites "little one" to the lake, but not "my girl." Little one texts me (I'm gone with work all this week) concerned "my girl" will feel left out, but she doesn't want to ask Molly to invite her because she knows Molly has some resentment toward "my girl." I point out that "little one" is a guest, she is being invited by her sister and boyfriend, and Molly and "my girl's" relationship is their's to figure out. It's not her's to fix or mend or worry about one feeling hurt by the other.
Then I say, "When I'm home next week, we will go to the river and everyone will be invited."
"Ok, that sounds good momma, thank you."
Every single thing we do, every place we go, every family event is marked by this disease. We have learned to cope and manage the best we can... But it's always there. Before "my girl" there were many other's through the generations who caused the same questions and the same planning and the same concern. I can't remember a time of going into a family event without anxiety or an escape plan.
This fucking disease is exhausting. Maybe I'm tired....it's the end of my week away, my phone is ringing off the hook with work again, and I dread taking anything else on....but I, at my very core, am still very co-dependent and the word, "no" never leaves my lips without an inner war being waged.
We are trying to NOT let her go. To not let her just drift away until she disappears. We feel like what we are offering is life support, harm reduction, CPR, until a bed opens up for her. She is self admittedly so miserable at this point, but so stuck.
There is a scripture that says, "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15.
Sometimes I wonder what was easier.....the times we did let her go and she left us for months and even years at a time? Or trying to maintain some form of a connection with her. You know how parents say, "I won't watch you kill yourself!" I think of that often... But I think of if she had any other disease, I wouldn't leave her side and I would hold her hand and love her fiercely until her very last breath. So I choose to continue to navigate this complicated relationship in the healthiest ways that I can. I surround myself with support and help and I don't do it alone. And I pray. For us all.