Thursday, June 9, 2016

Varied perspectives....

"My girl" is at the hub of so much in our family. We want her with us, but often times that is impossible. It's like a web of strings all cris-crossing and touching and getting confused. 

Big brother let's me know he wants her at his wedding..."it's just one day, she has to be sober for one day." I say that hopefully she can pull it together and be there.....he says, "Even if she can't, she's still invited. No matter what. But she has to be sober to be there." No matter what.....but. He has no idea the fullness of what he is asking for.....but he is right to make that request. I don't blame him one bit. 

Molly invites "little one" to the lake, but not "my girl."  Little one texts me (I'm gone with work all this week) concerned "my girl" will feel left out, but she doesn't want to ask Molly to invite her because she knows Molly has some resentment toward "my girl." I point out that "little one" is a guest, she is being invited by her sister and boyfriend, and Molly and "my girl's" relationship is their's to figure out. It's not her's to fix or mend or worry about one feeling hurt by the other. 

Then I say, "When I'm home next week, we will go to the river and everyone will be invited." 

"Ok, that sounds good momma, thank you." 

Every single thing we do, every place we go, every family event is marked by this disease. We have learned to cope and manage the best we can... But it's always there. Before "my girl" there were many other's through the generations who caused the same questions and the same planning and the same concern. I can't remember a time of going into a family event without anxiety or an escape plan. 

This fucking disease is exhausting. Maybe I'm's the end of my week away, my phone is ringing off the hook with work again, and I dread taking anything else on....but I, at my very core, am still very co-dependent and the word, "no" never leaves my lips without an inner war being waged. 

We are trying to NOT let her go. To not let her just drift away until she disappears. We feel like what we are offering is life support, harm reduction, CPR, until a bed opens up for her. She is self admittedly so miserable at this point, but so stuck. 

There is a scripture that says, "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15. 

Sometimes I wonder what was easier.....the times we did let her go and she left us for months and even years at a time? Or trying to maintain some form of a connection with her. You know how parents say, "I won't watch you kill yourself!" I think of that often... But I think of if she had any other disease, I wouldn't leave her side and I would hold her hand and love her fiercely until her very last breath. So I choose to continue to navigate this complicated relationship in the healthiest ways that I can. I surround myself with support and help and I don't do it alone. And I pray. For us all. 


Anonymous said...

This friggin' disease, it's so hard to know what to do. In the ten years my son has been struggling with addiction, the one thing I've learned for me is that I can never stop telling him how much he is loved. The "what if" scares me too much. Hubby and I really don't see him much when he's using but we always maintain phone/text contact and we always remind him that we are here, that he can overcome this and that he is worthy of something better. It's all so heartbreaking. That scripture is very fitting and really sad.

Thinking of and praying for you and your daughter, always.

Lolly said...

Aww, Sweet friend. This hurts my heart to read. I too am always praying for all of us. And you're more right than you know when you say you "don't do it alone." Hugs, Love, Lolly

Mark Goodson said...

Wow, Annette. I know all about that family stuff. My grandfather died in the insane asylum. My grandmother died of cirrhosis. I know how fortunate I am to have a 12 step program to work, unlike my family that came before me. This post really touched home. My brother got married and I was newly sober, a lot of the same pressure was put on me (although nobody told me) I knew it was there.

Dad and Mom said...

Annette, this post brings back so much anguish that we suffered through during Alex's using. We always wanted him present of holiday's, birthdays, celebrations, and life moments that cannot be repeated. Each time it usually ended badly. Drugs ruined events and anger always came upon us.

Finally acceptance had to rule. Tempering expectations eased our pain. I remember my explanation for what would occur. "It's impossible to give something your ain't got."

I learned it was impossible for Alex to give that day of peace because he had no day of peace to give.

That is something we all must accept, including those on the borders. I understand the hurt a parent feels because we want all of our children to feel the joy but sometimes the choice is not ours.

Groundhog Girl said...

I always admire the way you love and honour your daughter by always leaving the door open to return if she feels ready. One day I hope she will walk through inside and slam the door shut to what was. Thank you for reminding me that I need to try a bit harder in my life with my daughter, I can be selfish around her when I need to be the adult and you are a shining example of how to do this well and with love.

Christina said...


You're her hero.

Love you,


SoberMomWrites said...

You do what you do for her. It's your ocean to matter how troubled the waters.

Just know you have a port with me.


Mary Christine said...

Oh, I know this one! It's still happening in my family even though sober girl is sober 7+ years. They still don't like the way she acts.