Barricades
You know those places deep inside of our souls that we cover up, that we surround with bricks and mortar and then live in the illusion of freedom right outside that fortress wall that is protecting our deepest fragile spots? It's like we live right outside the wall, we smile, we laugh, we grow beautiful flowers and we pretend that all is well inside....well, somehow that spot got invaded last week. That fragile little spot that I had covered so well, that spot that needs to belong and needs community with her people, was jostled around and that sharp pointy needle of rejection, of not fitting, of being alone, pierced so deeply it physically hurt. It totally took me by surprise that something that seemed so innocuous could be so searing. I have cried over these hurt feelings for a week now. As recently as this morning.
My first reaction was that I needed to raise my antidepressant dose. LOL God forbid I feel anything other than my status quo....who has time for this shit? But then I caught myself....no. So much has gone on this past month that is definitely cry worthy. Maybe I just need to feel it all, to acknowledge that it hurts and it might hurt for a long time and that might just be how it is. Just sit with it. Don't busy yourself with a million things, or say it doesn't matter, or eat ice cream....be quiet and look at it.
So I am implementing a new eating plan. I am about 2 weeks into it and it's not so much about getting thin, although I sure in heck hope that happens, but it's forcing me to look at my unhealthy relationship to food and sugar. Food addiction sounds so silly....we all have to eat, but the similarities I see between my relationship with food and my girl's relationship with heroin is not lost on me at all. As a matter of fact, I am having to really stop and examine these dynamics and what I see tells me that she and I are no different than each other. Our compulsions focus on different substances, but the roots are the same. I committed for 30 days to this plan and my thinking has gone something like this....
"Well, I don't know that I want to do this forever. So extreme. What about big brothers wedding? I'm supposed to not have a piece of cake at my son's biggest day of his life?!! I need balance. I need to learn how to live in moderation. A little bit won't hurt." Does that sound familiar....I can't tell you how many times I have heard the alcoholics in my life say, "Just one.....I promise." And when they said it, they believed it with every fiber of their being....but it NEVER ended at "just one."
The reality is that I am asking, I am hoping, that my girl will give up her substance "forever." One day at a time. I know that she must, she does, feel the same justifications and rationalizations that I am spewing out about food. And it's not that we don't want to be free...it's that we are afraid to be without our security. The thought of leaving that great comforter behind and going on ahead without it, is terrifying, exhilarating, and sad. We will grieve it's loss. Heroin, sugar, alcohol, spending...whatever it is that is filing that spot for us. It is like saying goodbye to an old faithful friend...that is slowly killing us by stabbing us in the back.
What about big brothers wedding? If I was an alcoholic I would not drink alcohol, even for the toast. I couldn't risk having even one drink. Because in reality there is no moderation when you are addicted. So how is this different? There are triggers, and one bite of cinnamon toast, or chocolate brownie.....or wedding cake, can lead you (me) off into the land of sugar highs and then crashing lows and then wanting more and more.
I am obese. I hate that word....and thank God in all of His divine mercy that I am tall! LOL I remember seeing my girl's medical records online (I had her permission!) and it listed off her "chronic health conditions." I thought, "Ohhhhh, I'm going to see if I have any chronic health conditions listed.....feeling slightly smug that I wouldn't because I am a big sturdy healthy girl. When I got to my health record page, there in bold capital letters, was the word "OBESITY." I gasped out loud! Then closed that page super fast! WTH?!
So while I am not dieting, really....I am eating within certain parameters and looking at my behaviors around food, and what is going on when I feel compelled to feed myself outside of those healthy parameters? We will see where this takes me. It has taken the term "one day at a time" to a totally new level of reliance for me!
I will leave you with this....
Grumpy man has a stack of these home made pot holders in all sorts of bright and cheery colors sitting stacked by his stove.....that he actually uses. I am dying to know who made them for him! Lol
Ok All, I am falling asleep at my keyboard.....it's probably my lack of sugar!
Much love to all....
Annette
Comments
I have the same problem with my diet and for the first time at my last dr's appt was officially obese. I'm trying to make some life styles changes also. I used to be addicted to exercise ... was standard for me to exercise 3 hours a day while working full time with a 2 hr per day commute. One therapist told me I was self medicating with that but agreed it was better than alcohol. I'm tall also but I know I will start shrinking eventually, if I haven't already.
Those potholders bring back such memories. The small town I grew up in had summer activities for the children and that was one of my absolute favorite things to do. I'm pretty sure mine are long gone though.
Thanks for this post ... I related to every single line of it.
Mary
Let's be healthy eating buddies. We can support each other.
PS. spoiler alert: We are on the cusp of a sugar revolt similar to the tobacco industry in the 70's. People are starting to realize that sugar causes obesity and heart disease, diabetes and other stuff. It isn't about Fat, like the sugar execs had us believe. The sugar industry is fighting back and covering up data...just like the tobacco industry did in the 70's. Their time is coming. Just wait!
There is a very good writer about these food issues called Geneen Roth and I highly recommend her to help see the alternative path. I think the booze interfered with my ability to practice her principles. You don't need th approve this if you don't want as it is rather over indulgent (see its in all areas of my life) on my part. Sorry I started out empathising with your plight but it is so raw for me also. I only wish you well Annette.
Most of us here have had years of stress in our lives. Our bodies crave attention but continue to put up with abuse until we find time to deal with the cause just like the offically addicted. Escape is the name of the game. Facing our fear of being always on the outside can lead to healing and physically and emotionally. We are never alone it just feels like it sometimes. This is when we run towards our addiction.