Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Restructuring our Anxiety

Thanks for sharing how addiction has changed your lives. In so many ways we all are altered forever more. In some good ways and in some tragic ways. Holly shared that she has learned to have more confidence in her own thinking. I think that is so key to the whole journey. 

Step one is about our powerlessness over..... Everything! Because I am a recovering co-dependent I  always say I am powerless over other people. If you are an alcoholic, it would be alcohol, a heroin addict, it would be heroin and so forth. Accepting our powerlessness is a huge rite of passage. Accepting and settling back in the knowledge of my lack of ability to fix any of this has quieted my fear and anxiety quiet a bit. I no longer have the fear of losing control of everything, churning around in my insides. Which also means that I don't have the thoughts about how to fix everything churning around in my insides either. Just those changes have brought some element of peace to my soul. 

My girl and I are in a long process right now to try to get her some help. She has agreed to try again. Each time that she walks away from sobriety, she sinks farther down into a hole and it is harder to come back. The obstacles feel larger, more looming over her head, more we take it one step at a time. We do today. We go to this office and fill out that paperwork, we hand it in. We wait to hear back. We go through each door that opens before us. She is afraid. I tell her that she won't be alone, that we will go through each door together and we don't look any further ahead than what sits right in front of us to conquer at this moment. She is very active in her disease and will be up until the moment she walks through that rehab door I am thinking. I am letting that go. If she  could curtail, or stop her use on her own, there would be no need for treatment....she is just surviving until she can get there. 

As for me, I have no expectations. I too am walking through what is right in front of me, just like she is. This might work, and it might not. I have come to believe that I may be able to detach from my girl in that *my own wellbeing* is not tied to hers......but as far as our mother-daughter relationship, it is not negotiable. Especially now at this point. I don't know the future, I can't tell what tomorrow will hold. When I try to look too far ahead, I get afraid, filled with anxiety. So I stay in what I can 

Today we drove to the methadone clinic. It's an hour one way so a lot of time together. Some days she  sleeps all of the way down and back. Today we drank coffee, we listened to music, we talked and we laughed.  She explained how to propagate succulents for the 150 wedding favors I need to put together. I savor her intelligence and her dry humor, I savor a good day....and I refuse to ponder over ideas of enabling, being in her business, or "loving her to death."  We share a relationship. That's it. She is stuck, sick in a terrible ugly disease and has been for many years now. If I insist on waiting for her to get well to be in my life, and it doesn't ever happen, then I will have missed out on the precious moments that we do manage to share together. I will miss out on my good memories with her...the good days. So I accept what is, that I can't control the future, that I only have this moment with her and I let that be enough for now. We are just doing the next right thing. 

Praying for all of us. 


Lolly said...

A beautiful tender post Annette. Hugs to you. Praying for us all too.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I think you are right about not getting too far ahead of yourself nothing more scarey than the story we have in our head. Even when they are good stories we start to worry when things are not going in that direction. My mind is always more interested in the past or the future and can miss the moment of peace in front of me. I have missed years of my life in my head not being there for the people I love and enjoying the moment.

Mark Goodson said...

Annette- this post made me so happy. If she ever wants someone additional to talk to. I'd be happy to tell her about how I got sober etc. Just thought I'd throw that out there. You know how to get in touch with me...

Anonymous said...


What a beautiful example you are. Thank you. And you're also educating me on other things ... I had to google "propagate succulents".
Thinking of you and praying for you and for family.


Annette said...

Oh Mary, you are funny! Propagate is from my old homeschooling days....when my son was about 10, he and a friend would propagate redwood trees and sell them. We were certain they would both grow up to be forest rangers! But son is an IT guy and the other boy grew up to be an engineer of some sort.