Thankfully, despite our girl's still active addiction, we don't live that way anymore. Sometimes, I will catch us wafting back into that territory but at this point, we know it doesn't work so we skedattle ourselves back into our own business.
When we pulled all of our frenetic crazy stalking behaviors out of the equation, what that brought us to was a place of acceptance of what is. Our girl, as she is. We don't need to drug test to have confirmed what we already know. We don't need to put her, or ourselves into that position. When we locked in and demanded answers it was only our fear, it was only our need to control the uncontrollable. We had to travel a long time on that road before we realized it was all futile. It was a firestorm that we were trying to put out with a garden hose.
We had to look at what our goals really were. Did we just want to control and enforce and bully and demand and know....to be honest, some days when it looked like that was all we had, it sounded pretty good. It was SOMETHING at least. Eventually, after enough times of experiencing failure, we had had enough. We were tired and we knew, actually, I will say...we were led to find another way to accomplish our goals. We didn't want to lose touch with our girl. We wanted her to get help. We wanted to stop the churning inside our gut. We wanted to live in peace and acceptance. I began to learn and accept that recovery is not a straight shot. That it is a very long process. It is more common, especially for someone with long term substance use disorder, to not be able to pull off total abstinence from day one. It is a long process and sometimes it is filled with fits and starts and the best of intentions....until one day you realize that they have put together a week or two. And that the only part we played was being kind and patient and usually quiet. And yes, YES, YES, YES.....it is so much easier said than done.
What these changes have given to us though, is a connection with our girl. It's something that can be built on later if she gets healthier and is more available. If not, it is what we have been able to share with her thus far. It is not about condoning, enabling, allowing....it's about accepting what we have and letting it be enough for today. It removes the elements and expectations that create conflict and adversarial interactions. We know what to expect until something changes, so we accept that it is what it is.
I feel like we are ok for this moment in time...despite some very imperfect circumstances. We have managed, through God's grace, to accomplish our goals....we have a relationship with our daughter despite her addiction, she is seeing an addiction therapist, and we live most days calmly and in faith that a power greater than ourselves is at work in our lives....and that is enough for today. I keep on praying and hoping, for all of our children. God bless us all......