Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Acceptance of what is....

There  was a time in our journey when we desperately were grasping for control. We were searching bedrooms, purses, bags, smelling hair, checking pupil size, giving random ua drug tests, and saying things like, "If you want to live here....." And then following it with a list of what would need to happen. All of which was almost impossible to follow through on and only ended up alienating and causing conflict and confrontation. Those were horrible years. Absolutely exhausting. 

Thankfully, despite our girl's still active addiction, we don't live that way anymore. Sometimes, I will catch us wafting back into that territory but at this point, we know it doesn't work so we skedattle ourselves back into our own business. 

When we pulled all of our frenetic crazy stalking behaviors out of the equation, what that brought us to was a place of acceptance of what is. Our girl, as she is. We don't need to drug test to have confirmed what we already know. We don't need to put her, or ourselves into that position. When we locked in and demanded answers it was only our fear, it was only our need to control the uncontrollable. We had to travel a long time on that road before we realized it was all futile. It was a firestorm that we were trying to put out with a garden hose. 

We had to look at what our goals really were. Did we just want to control and enforce and bully and demand and know....to be honest, some days when it looked like that was all we had, it sounded pretty good. It was SOMETHING at least. Eventually, after enough times of experiencing failure, we had had enough. We were tired and we knew, actually, I will say...we were led to find another way to accomplish our goals. We didn't want to lose touch with our girl. We wanted her to get help. We wanted to stop the churning inside our gut. We wanted to live in peace and acceptance. I began to learn and accept that recovery is not a straight shot. That it is a very long process. It is more common, especially for someone with long term substance use disorder, to not be able to pull off total abstinence from day one. It is a long process and sometimes it is filled with fits and starts and the best of intentions....until one day you realize that they have put together a week or two. And that the only part we played was being kind and patient and usually quiet. And yes, YES, YES, YES.....it is so much easier said than done.

What these changes have given to us though, is a connection with our girl. It's something that can be built on later if she gets healthier and is more available. If not, it is what we have been able to share with her thus far. It is not about condoning, enabling, allowing....it's about accepting what we have and letting it be enough for today. It removes the elements and expectations that create conflict and adversarial interactions. We know what to expect until something changes, so we accept that it is what it is. 

I feel like we are ok for this moment in time...despite some very imperfect circumstances. We have managed, through God's grace, to accomplish our goals....we have a relationship with our daughter despite her addiction, she is seeing an addiction therapist, and we live most days calmly and in faith that a power greater than ourselves is at work in our lives....and that is enough for today. I keep on praying and hoping, for all of our children. God bless us all......

Annette
 
                                       

7 comments:

Mrs D said...

I am sending you hugs from New Zealand - I always read but rarely comment and I'm sorry for that. You are so full of love and understanding and I really appreciate all that you share xxx

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

We are all filled fear when we confront something out of our control. Thoughts of the future can be scary. But when we find out we can't controll anything but ourselves and sometimes our thinking we have no choice but to let go. It doesn't mean the fear won't reappear tomorrow but for today or this moment we can find peace.

SoberMomWrites said...

You are such a blessing to me.

Anonymous said...

Annette,
We walk the same path, as I also have an addicted daughter. Your words and actions encourage me to find a way to re-connect with my girl. Thanks for sharing your journey. Sandra

Mark said...

Annette -

Your posts are so strong. With all you are going through...so strong. It gives me strength and makes me grateful for the things I have. Makes me want to hold on to all I have because I never know what will happen tomorrow.

Mark

Anonymous said...

I'm having a different kind of struggle with my son. He has a very bad temper and at times, is filled with rage. Other times, I have to deal with put-downs and disrespect. He has had therapy in the past, but does not want it now. It was not successful..... I know he has more control than he shows...... I do not accept this. I can't.

Holly

Annette said...

Holly, absolutely you can not accept being mistreated. I agree and support you completely! If we were in that situation our perspective and actions would be very different. Out personal safety is always a priority. Bless you holly, thanks for always commenting. I love hearing from you.