Sunday, January 31, 2016

Too kind....and the missing piece

You all are too sweet. I didn't mean to solicit a bunch of compliments.....really. It really was kind of a true confession, light bulb moment.....I can't fix this area but I can make this area I will. But thank you.

So I was thinking about my girl and how I can fix so many of the exteriors of her issues. I know exactly what to do that would be a positive solution for her diet, her physical health, her skin, her bowels, her thick long hair, her nails...I can do all of that and make it better. What is beyond me is her inner illness. I can't reach those deep dark areas that are broken and THOSE are the key to what ails the outside, to the symptoms that we can see. 

I was thinking of how she doesn't fit in our family anymore. Not, and let me be very very clear, NOT because we don't want her to....but because we all live such different lives from each other. Her life is the polar opposite of our life. She is the puzzle piece that is missing in our family puzzle. Where that piece used to fit, is a big gaping hole. The lost piece. Even when she comes home to visit, its not a good fit anymore. Her big black thick ugly coat of addiction that hangs heavily over her thin body makes her edges and curves not fit into her spot. Her spot, the spot that has been her's since the moment of her conception. Her spot that won't ever be filled again unless she gets well and can come and fill it in with her own unique sweet self.

My dear friend Lou blogged here today and said, "Substance abuse and mental illness envelopes the family. I honestly don’t know how anyone can stay “detached” when a member is so clearly suffering."

I don't know either. I don't even know if its the right thing to do anymore. I know that human beings are always called to be kind to each other. That, I do know. So that is what I try to do. Be kind, humane, let her hold onto whatever dignity she has left.

There is still the mom in me, a small strand left that thinks, "Ok, here is what we are going to do...." That has never worked before of course....and you know what they say about that. lol

So for today I settle for being kind to my girl for as long as I am able, while there is no end in sight.

Keep praying and I will too.

"And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

                                                                    ~Colossians 3: 12, 13


Lori said...

My heart just breaks reading this. You word things so perfectly. Praying for you and for all the addicts searching for something and not knowing what it is. I pray they find and accept help.

SoberMomWrites said...

Always praying.


Birdie said...

Thanks for the Netflix recommendation. I watched it and was so amazed that those seniors were given such an amazing opportunity. SO many seniors homes just care for the basics and wouldn't even think of doing something this grand and wonderful.

Liz said...

Oh Annette... I'm praying so hard for your girl.. I love her too. Just know that you have many many people who are sending their prayers for her.

Linda deV said...

Sometimes being kind is all we can do. The rest takes so much energy and makes me achingly tired just thinking about it. But putting on a very surface, simple level of kindness, the kind that you would offer anyone you encounter in daily life works pretty good. Afterwards, there is a sense of pride at being able to do something that is so foreign for us co-dependents or Al-Anons or enablers and what the hell else one wants to call what we do.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I have settled for being kind, as well.

There is no end in sight over here either.

You are not alone. xo

Anonymous said...

I have sent you so many prayers for healing in my mind, Annette. I wish we could sit and talk together, rather than connect in this virtual way through the computer. It is so limiting.....As to the question about detachment, I give a grain of salt to any theory or dogma. How detached can we really be? Being kind goes a long way.


Annette said...

Birdie, Im so glad you like the movie. For everyone else its called Next Year: Jerusalem. A documentary on Netflix about a Jewish elder care home that took a group of 90+ year old seniors on a trip to Israel. Its only an hour and it was so good.

Mrs. Dubose....I am so happy to see your name pop up here, but so saddened by your message. Im sorry. I wish we could do lunch. I think we would be good friends in real life.

Lori, Sherry, Linda, Liz, and Holly....thank you so much. I can feel your kindness and good thoughts toward me and my family. It means so much to me. <3 I am grateful and humbled.

Hattie Heaton said...


You could have been my twin at birth. Your thoughts, words, actions...I've done them all. Before I totally let go of my son, I had reached a similar conclusion about being kind. I would not cut off my love. I would only keep a safe distance for me. I was lost and resigned.

I was literally at the bottom and knew that I could not help him. I also quit teaching a class at the jail. I realized that I was really and truly doing it for me. In secret, I was trying to show God how good I was so that maybe he'd help my boy out.

We are not bad people. We really do want what's best. It's just that it takes time to sort out exactly what that is.

I'm heading to adoration as we speak (type). I will offer up thoughts of you and H and ask God to help you both. I've learned to use few words or I end up telling God what to do.

My son is almost six months sober. He is working two jobs, has a sponsor, working the program, religiously practicing yoga and proud of himself. He's finding his way back. I'm trying to too.

It can happen. Never lose hope. Sometimes it just takes us to the place that's so very dark before we decide that it needs to change. It least it did for me. Hang in there.

Lisa said...

Holy One:

Thank you for taking care of Annette's daughter H. Hold her in your arms and keep her safe. Carry her through the dark places in her life. Help her to discern your will for her life, and then I know you will grant her the power to carry it out. Guide her to the rooms of recovery.


Mrs. Dubose said...

I wish we could have lunch, too. It is a lonely path to be the parent of an addict. I have found a lot of support and friendship through Al Anon though, so I am very fortunate.

Three years ago when I googled parents of addicts blogs, I *met* you, and you were the only other parent I knew. So never doubt that your voice is heard and appreciated. I felt connected to you from the start...I also bought the Compassionate Addict which you talked about some months ago. I have found that the combination of both approaches works best for me. A little of this, a little of that ...

Peace to you and yours.