I have come to the conclusion that my drive to "help" others is actually rooted in my own selfish need to feel useful. Apparently I can't save my daughter, but I can talk with other parents and I can share what has brought me some peace and an ability to go on living despite carrying the greatest heartbreak I have experienced thus far in my life. I can immerse myself in other families as their loved ones work toward leaving this earth and I can comfort and tend to the physical and emotional needs of the dying and their sad families. I can help the disabled perform the most basic of human bodily functions and I can love them and give them their dignity while they have to endure the humiliation of needing my help.
I feel energized when I am in the thick of it with other families. Maybe that is sick. Maybe that is my co-dependence. Maybe I am on a huge power-trip. My need to be needed. Maybe it all comes from a deep place of my own dysfunction....but is anyone's motives purely pure all the time? Isn't there usually a pay off in most of what we do? My pay off is.....I can't fix one huge part of my life, but I can do some good over in another area. It is what it is.
I am getting better at balancing out my life and I love my days off and I am finding things to do that don't include work, or being productive every moment. That is big progress for me. I am very very content just "being" these days. I used to think I would never quit working until I physically couldn't do the work anymore. Now I don't think that way. The dad has a big project with work coming up this year and I am not taking on any more clients so that I will be available to be home MORE than I am now. I love quiet. When I drive, I don't have anything on....no music, no talk radio, none of my audible books. I think and I pray and I just drive. If little one is with me, we talk to each other. She is such a unique and interesting little person. I love her company.... my little old soul.
I think of Alanon's slogan...when I got busy I got better. Serving others takes the focus off of myself and that is not necessarily a bad thing. lol
I am still lighting candles for our lost kids and praying and thanking God for them and for the fact that we were picked to be their parents. Despite the heartache, my girl is a blessing to me. Please, you keep praying too.