One element of my life is very challenging right now. I have to work hard at living in the moment and not thinking ahead and going to those dark places that I am an expert at jumping to like an Olympic athlete. If I allowed it to, it could consume me and I would miss the good stuff.
Its pouring down rain and is predicted to continue and we may even have a white Christmas. For drought ridden Ca. this is an answered prayer and nothing short of miraculous!
I have so much support in my life. I met with a momma friend today who travels the same journey I do. She and I get each other on a level that is a gift to us both. We understand the fears, the crazy thoughts and dread we can carry around, the agonizing decisions about our involvement...what is our co-dependence and what is us just being moms and being kind to our very lost children. We share our faith in Jesus that sustains us on a level that was most unexpected but has unfolded to be one of the most beautiful aspects of our lives. We met for lunch and our visit filled us both. We love each other, we comfort each other, and support each other. We talk until the very last second when we have to part ways and go back to our lives.
I received a letter from a reader here... it was the most beautiful thing. She shared her story and she shared a scripture that encouraged her during her darkest days....Ephesians 3:20.
"Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us....."
This momma spoke of praying that God would keep her child alive.....but there is so much more than just being alive. I can and have been since I read this email.....praying that God would do exceeding abundantly more than I can think of, in my girls life.
My heart's mission is that no mother feels alone in this journey....and now I am being circled around and supported. My gratitude is so profound. So so deep.
And.....its Christmas. A lot of work and this year there are a lot of things added into my holiday dynamic. Hard decisions to make. I am doing the best I can for today. Tomorrow I will do it again.
Some Christmas joy....big brother's girlfriend asked months ago if Little One could fly out and share the holiday with them. It would be big brother's surprise gift. They are so close, since the night 14 years ago, that he stood behind the curtain in the hospital room peeking out to watch her be born. So for months this has been in the works and none of us let it slip. A miracle. The day finally came and little one conquered her fears of the airport and flying alone for her first time, made the trip, got covered in bows, hid in the trunk of the car and when big brother came out to help unload the car "from the day of Christmas shopping" there she was. Oh my gosh... the video was so sweet and the dad and I cried watching it the 38 times that we have. lol Big brother, who has been so homesick, was so surprised and so happy, he hugged her and hugged her and cried and later said it was the best surprise he has ever had in his whole life. She is going to work with him and hanging out in his office watching his 55 inch TV, playing video games, eating out at fancy casino restaurants, being introduced like she is a celebrity to all of his co-workers. There is nothing as joyful to a mom's heart as when her children all love each other.
My Molly has come full circle and our most out of character upset from a few months ago....is all better. She has a new Love who is a wonderful young man. She is stable and strong and planning her future. It is so fun to have her back as her old self.
I am actively choosing, working on focusing on the good stuff so I don't miss out on it. I still have to face and navigate the scary stuff, but I'm not alone. You all have made sure I know that, my real life friends that know of our circumstances are loving and kind. And my relationship with God....it is so so precious to me right now. My friend today said, "I think it is in our darkest moments that we meet Jesus in the most real ways." I agree. I am not alone.
Praying always for us all and all of our precious kids.