Yesterday was an uncomfortable day with my girl. To protect her privacy I am not going to go into every thing that happened that disturbed me, but I am going to tell you how I got through the day.
First I realized that I had set up a day that was much too long for her to comfortably manage. So I set us up for failure from the beginning, by not acknowledging or paying attention to what I know about her and her needs. I had a picture in my head of the day. My pictures almost always get me into trouble.
I went into the day knowing that it could go either way and I decided, I chose, to be alright with however it all unfolded.
As the day played out and certain behaviors would transpire, I would remind myself, "You knew this was a possibility." I chose to not take her behavior personally....she is addicted to substances and she behaves like someone who is addicted to substances. I could have gotten into the whole realm of using guilt, martyrdom, and manipulation to try to get the responses I wanted, but I have learned better than that today. When she is able to do better, she does better. It made me sad more than mad. To look beyond the behaviors to the "why's" makes me sad. I also could acknowledge that this was one day. I can do one day. It helps to pace myself, to set time limits, so I know that there is an ending time frame in sight. I think she likes the parameters of a time frame also. "I have 2-6 open today.....want to get coffee and thrift store shop for awhile?"
By acknowledging that I knew what I was getting into, I took responsibility for being there. I chose to spend the day with her however it would play out, because I wanted to, because I love her. I wasn't a victim in this situation. I wasn't being mistreated, I was just having to watch what I don't like to see. That meant though, that when our time was over, I couldn't wallow in self pity, I couldn't blame her for my sadness, I couldn't be mad that there were glitches in my plan for a beautiful day. I knew the risks ahead of time and I chose to proceed.
Deciding that I am willing to accept her as she is, while in full blown addiction, understanding that our times together may be uncomfortable, but its what I have with her right now, and I don't know how much time we have left....I choose to take it. I have my boundaries in place, there are still certain things I can't or won't do. But as far as spending time with her....I will always be available for that. I will try to always walk in without my own agenda and just take the time with her as it is.
I am there with her in spirit and body. That is all I have to give her at this point. And she always always gives me back whatever she can. She has a good kind heart, my girl.
Today I ask you to please keep praying for us.