Sunday, September 6, 2015

Stop running.... make conscious choices

I usually keep my schedule so full with work and obligations that I have no time to do anything else. That has worked for me for a long time....until all of a sudden it wasn't. I was tired. Really really tired and the thought of continuing to run at the speed that I have been for the past 8 years or so, felt utterly impossible. The thought of continuing at that speed felt worse than facing what I have been running from. Not to mention that there was always guilt nipping at my heels for holding people at arms length and being too busy to really connect on an authentic level...because I was very busy doing very important things after all. I spent the majority of my time being unavailable to anyone on any real level, but looking like I was very invested and very deeply available and committed. That is quite the feat to maintain, I will tell you.

I am working 3 and a half days a week....which will probably end up being 4 days a week, but still. Its much better than 6 or 7 days a week. On my days off I am having to consciously focus on staying at home, not filling every moment with something that NEEDS to be done immediately. I am focusing on just "being." Recently, I told the dad and Little One that now that I have a break, I just want to quit altogether. (Which I can't do) Little One said, "Ohhhh you want to be a stay at home mom again. Do it!" I reminded her that I already did that for 20 years. "But you miss it mama!" I think I do miss being at home, creating a home...not just maintaining a house.

I think so much plays into all of this. I need to be needed, I want to feel important and the only way I know for that to happen is to perform well. Work hard. I also want to avoid the hard stuff, the stuff that hurts me. Its easier to "let go and let God" if I am too busy and too distracted to focus much on the things that scare me.

So for the past 2 weeks I have had this new schedule. Its been uncomfortable to go slower through each day. I am consciously not scheduling myself down to the second. I am giving myself more time on the days that I am working to get to where I need to be. On the days that I am not working, I am seeing friends, going for walks, today I cleaned out the fridge, I put patchouli oil in my diffuser and the house smelled nice and peaceful and like my home. I stop to hold the cats and pet them, not just grump at them to get out of my way.

I have also felt sad, and wondered if a depression is coming on......but caught myself and reminded myself that this is an adjustment. I need to give myself time to get acclimated to this new slower life that I am constructing for myself. I need to walk through my feelings, not just run faster to avoid them.

Part of my new routine is going to be to go to Adoration every Tuesday for 30 minutes after I drop Little One off at school. I am committing those 30 minutes to praying for our addicted kids and their mamas. I am not a Catholic person, but they let me come in anyway. :o) 

My kids are all going through their own life stuff...some good, some not so good. I often wonder whose brilliant idea it was to have 4!!!! kids. Of course I couldn't/wouldn't trade anyone in....but 4??!!! lives, separate from mine, but so a part of my heart. I was so unprepared for the letting go, detaching, aspect of being a parent.

I am working on starting to walk long distances again. I have a heel with plantar fasciitis and my other foot has some painful ailment that I am seeing a podiatrist for next week. I feel old and crippled up. I hobble along bent over sometimes. My shoulder is sore all of the time from lifting people. Good Lord....Im turning into one of my old people! I think its all things that some strength training, some weight loss, and a good massage (scheduled for the end of the month) will be able to fix though.

So my big news is that this next weekend coming up, I will be flying to the southern part of my state to meet with 3 of my long time blogger friends. Tori, Barbara and Joy.

I haven't flown anywhere in probably 30 years at least! We will post pictures soon I am sure. I have been blogging alongside these women for many years now. I started back in 2007. We have walked together through so much.....there are no words. lol

I don't share a lot about my daughter's journey online anymore. A few years back I felt that she deserved to travel her journey in privacy without her mother blasting her story all over the internet... be assured though, I am still the parent of an addict. Our relationship has changed and evolved through the years I have let go, she has been given back to me in a lot of ways. As I stopped expecting things to be the way I thought they should be and began to accept her as she is, as I removed my claim to her being healthy and left that in her hands to nurture or not, as I took her as she came to me and stopped making demands and stopped forcing solutions....we were given a loving relationship to share. I see her about once a week and they are always nice visits. She knows where I stand on everything. She knows what I am willing to give and what I am not. Its what we have so I take it and am grateful.

Lord, bless us all.


Chelsie Charmed said...

You are so very brave. Not running from my issues was a tough one for me. I really hope you adjust nicely. I became a mom a lil over 9 months ago and now that I'm not really working it's different. I enjoy it, but I'm worried by taking this break I'll never get the career I've been dreaming about and working so hard for. I'm really glad to hear you're getting along with your daughter and have accepted the way things are. You're a good mom. Take Care

Dad and Mom said...

Have fun on your "girl weekend". If I ever get to California I'd love meeting all of you in person. I can see a lot of laughter and talk in your future.

Signe said...

I am happy to read that you are taking care of yourself. I think in the swirl of life, we forget about ourselves. The oxygen in the plane idea: if you're not breathing you can't help anyone else. As always, I love your enthusiasm for a life well lived. :)

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

So much growth in this post. A lot of time has passed since I start reading your blog and writing my own. We both seem to have made it to the other side of something. An awareness that at least lets us take the time to stop and look at what we are doing to ourselves especially in the name of helping others.

I still do not know how to enjoy life with accomplishing something every minute or at least looking for some kind of distraction from what I don't like about myself or my life.

You are taking a leap given yourself permission to have fun. How nice.

Hattie Heaton said...

Wow, I love this post. My son graduated from high school in 2007 and I knew something was wrong but I kept searching for "acceptable causes" of his behavior until I had the courage to accept what it was. He is sober today. He had to get quite miserable. He may not be sober tomorrow. This has happened before. But, today he is and I am grateful.
I've walked this journey with some great people. Sometimes I check out. I lick my wounds. I get busy. But, I keep going back to the place where I learned to pay attention to hearts and souls instead of race, religion, socioeconomic and educational levels. This blogging community helped me to learn not to judge. And, I am grateful.
As far as plantar fasciitis goes let me save you!!!!! I know, I'm supposed to stop trying to do that but with regard to this ailment, I believe I have an answer. It is a little shoe that stretches out your arch and does something magical because I now have NO plantar fasciitis pain anymore. Not since I began wearing these shoes. The brand is called Vionic. I get them at Dillards, Belk and other major department stores. I got them in Carlsbad CA in a little store called the Coolest Shoes in CA ( which is code for old lady shoes) You can also find them on a website called 6 pm which is last years styles for less money. Some are very cute. I also am going to buy the inserts. I will let you know how they work. They are a life changer for me!
OK, back to your post. I think that I had to get quiet and sit with the ugly and dissect it for myself and then attempt to put back together what I was willing to live with. Your body will tell you what you need. My sponser says that I should look in the mirror and tell myself what's wrong. The catch is that I can only use one pronoun--I--. It's really hard at first.
Glad to see your post.

Mary Christine said...

Slowing down is a revelation in itself. Amazing.

I have been plagued with PF. I've tried new shoes which worked - for a time. My son has a disability for PF, believe it or not. It is truly crippling.

I swear that since I started switching it up more as far as my walking (formerly running), it has really helped. When you are doing your miles on trails, you don't have all that repetitive motion. Every step is a little bit different.

I also found that Danskos and other shoes that are supposed to be good for your feet were contributing to my PF. Once I switched to very flexible shoes, I have been almost free of that pain. I had an orthopedic surgeon tell me that I was better wearing flip flops than those shoes with all the "support."