Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Whats my motive.....

A long time Alanon friend taught me to ask myself what my motive is before I take action in my dealings with my addicted daughter, but it applies to everyone really.

Honestly.... I love to be in charge. Its old behavior that feels comfortable and safe to me. I have to work at letting go, every single day. My need for control is very fear driven. If I think about the responsibility being in charge requires, and the lack of faith and the arrogance it reveals... its a little disturbing that I have not totally forsaken my quest for control....but no. I have to catch myself and ask myself what are my motives for my actions?

My relationship with my girl has changed drastically over the past few years. I have come to a place of supernatural (and I am not kidding when I use that word) acceptance of she and her life, just as they are. That acceptance has set me free from trying to change anything about her. If anything will change for her, it will be due to her own choices and actions, and nothing I do.

We meet for lunch occasionally....my motive is to merely connect with her. Nothing else. I am not trying  to "make" her be sober. I am merely her human mother and I love her. Thats it. I am not her healer, her Higher Power, nor do I have the answers to her problems. This is true of all of my relationships.

My control issues are being brought to the forefront of my attention once again, another layer of my onion being peeled back by different circumstances this time, revealing a more in depth look at my inner workings. Its all still there, my craving for control and to fix things...so much so that I can still look like a crazy person. I thought I was past that, but scratch slightly beneath the surface and its all still there. I hold the potential to do harm by my efforts to "help." I rob people of their dignity and the chance for them to grow through their trials, because I can't stand to see them suffer. So I jump in and try to fix and I usually make a mess.

When I ask myself what my motive is.....if I'm really honest, its usually that *I* don't want to feel bad watching someone I love struggle. I don't want to have to wait for the outcome while they figure their stuff out. I want answers and solutions and I want them now, so my motive is to get my way. Its all about me and my own comfort....despite how noble I can make it look with all of my caring and love.

The greatest act of giving I can offer is to let go and step aside and quietly cheer from the sidelines of life. Settle into my own feelings of discomfort and walk through them, and pray like there is no tomorrow. Because ultimately my motive is to love and set free to be the brave strong individuals we each were created to be. I just get tripped up over my own feet sometimes.

Whats my motive..... thats my check point for today.

Love to us all....


Kellym said...

I have never read my control issues so clearly. That's exactly it. I"M not comfortable with other's struggles, so I try to manage and fix things to make me feel better....eye opening.

Thank you.....

Linda dev said...

I cried, I smiled and I rejoiced with you. Mostly I felt a deep connection of an everyday battle with what can be life ruling fear. Thank you, so much, for sharing your heart today.

Christina said...

You're so lovely, Annette. Thank you for this important post.
Live..and let live. God bless you. And your girl. )

SoberMomWrites said...

But why is it so damn HARD TO DO? Ugh!!!

I feel you my friend...really.


SoberMomWrites said...

I thought I had commented...oh well.

I'm feeling this so much right now as my twins move out and on their own for the first time. I want to tell them "do this" and "don't do that" but I can't. I have to let them fly, crash, and then get back up.

It's really the hardest thing I've ever had to do and yet its not a fraction of what you have to do with your girl.

You are strong and beautiful and I really do admire you...control issues and all.


Syd said...

I ask myself that a lot. And it is part of my inventory. Thanks for posting this. One of my favorite slogans.