Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Pictures of the Past.....

My car is in the Im driving the dad's car which is 10 years newer than mine. It has stuff like bluetooth and a clock that works and air conditioning. I am fine with my old rattle trap bucket of bolts....and while its in the shop I asked them to charge up my air conditioner, because being 50 years old and not having any air could just be the deal breaker that pushes me into forking out the money each month for a second car payment. My dream car is a prius. lol

Anyway, this morning I plugged in my iphone to charge in the little usb spot and on came all of this music. I don't even have music on my phone! It was "little one's" play list which is connected to my i-tunes I drove to work listening to what was on her play list. I loved that. It was like this little connection to my little one. A glimpse into her insides and what she likes and what feels good to her. It made me happy.

The past couple weeks I have not felt good. Just out of sorts. I have had a God-awful work schedule for the past 5 months and I haven't been reading my daily readers, praying, exercising, nothing. Then some of "my girls" old friends posted an album of pictures on Facebook (and were kind enough to tag me in them) from their middle school days. There before my eyes was the transformation of my sweet little red haired, freckly, girl to the dark depressed gothic punk girl that she became in what felt like a whirlwind. As I looked at them this fear that I think has always been lurking around in my dark hidden places welled up and began its tedious job of accusing ....."You over reacted. She was just a kid figuring out who she was, if you had only not been so afraid, if you had only not yelled, if you had only not demanded that she behave a certain way, if you had only been capable of accepting her and loving where she was at during those years with no stipulations or expectations for who she would become....she might not have taken the path she has been on for the past 12 years."

I wish so much that I knew then what I know now.

I was left with a knot in the pit of my stomach. My sweet little girl who changed so drastically and so fast. There she was in front of my face and I got to look at her, at it all, with years worth of perspective and experiences between then and now.

So much regret. I have apologized numerous times for not knowing how to do "it" better. She always always always lets me off the hook. Never does she blame or say "if you had only......"

Who knows if I had known better and done better if anything would have been any different. We just don't know and while I did panic and over react.....I was also a good mom. I was present and there and could be counted on. I was always looking for my "in" into this foreign world she had entered. How could I reach her, how could I hang on to her.....which was probably a mistake because she didn't want to be held on to. She wanted to be free to do as she wanted. We used to say she was probably our kid who would backpack across Europe. The other kids didn't like to even go to sleep- overs....but not my girl. She was always out the door, ready for fun.

Its sad.

My hope is that nothing is ever so broken in this life that it is beyond repair. I have a God who works in miracles and redemption and grace and love and mercy and I am able to lay all of my mistakes, all of the places I messed everything up, lay my broken self and my beautiful broken girl, right into His hands and let Him put us all back together as He see's fit. In receiving thus, we are then able to be the givers of those very same gifts to others in need. We get to share what we are given.

God bless all of the broken hearted mama's.


Anonymous said...

Annette, I believe with all my heart that your daughter would have followed this same path no matter what you did or did not do. You have been a present and involved mom. We all have our low moments, but please try not to be so hard on yourself. (Even though I don't have my own blog, I'm here too.)


Anonymous said...

There is no way you could have known the path your daughter would take. How could any loving parent imagine such a thing? We all make mistakes as parents but there is not one thing, that you did or didn't do, that caused any of this, Annette. You are a wonderful mom. You wouldn't be doing exactly what you are right now if you weren't.

Sending love and hugs your way,


SoberMomWrites said...

As you always tell me...what's important is today not the past. You're here now.

And remember the first C of the three C' didn't cause this.

Hugs to you my sweet and beautiful friend,

Dad and Mom said...

It took a long time for me to understand but I began applying this to my life and Alex's when he was using.

He/I am doing the best I can right now.

For us all, it is impossible for us to give what we do not have. That includes knowledge, wisdom, and most importantly the future.

You are like the rest of us. We did the best we could do at the time. Look back for lessons but do not look back for regrets.

Mary Christine said...

No one, not even you (!) has the power to "make" someone a drug addict or alcoholic. It is tempting to take the blame, because when we do we can also believe that something we can do now will change it. We can't change it. It will evolve as it will.

We can pray though. And I will pray for your girl.

Anonymous said...

I feel the exact same way about my son, who was such a happy little boy who enjoyed everything! But we didn't raise him or his siblings to become a drug addict. And I pray he finds his "higher power" soon. But you're right, it's so sad and that feeling of loss and pain and fear never really goes away. Just retreats sometimes. Prayers for all of us POA'S!

Honey said...

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this blog. You will never know how much comfort I get from knowing that I am not alone in this terrible struggle.