Saturday, May 23, 2015

If I'm right everyone else isn't wrong.

I shared at a meeting the other night. I totally bombed. I go over all week what I will say and then I get in front of the group and freeze. I repeat myself, I talk in circles, I forget the point I'm trying to make. Ugh...I HATE speaking in meetings and the only reason I say yes is because there were other parents there to greet me when I first came through those doors. I want to be able to extend a hand to a desperate and scared parent. I have been in their shoes... hopefully they see through my gibberish and can see that we are more alike than not.

So this meeting was a Forum meeting which means we read an article from the Forum magazine and we share our experience in relation to that article. Mine was on being right and what does that mean for others. In my world I have spent so many years from childhood on trying to be right, trying to control my environment with being right, trying to prove my worth by my rightness. If I am right then you are wrong. I loved to be in the "right" category. That proved that I knew more, I was on top, I was in charge, you needed me and my brilliant rightness to lead the way for you. I once listened to a speaker CD by Mary Pearl and she said she would create situations in life where "you may not want me, but you will need me."

What a concept that more than one of us can be right at the same time. What is right for me, may not be right for the dad (since he is who has had to suffer through the brunt of my rightness the most,) or my girl, or my Molly, or any of the others. It again brings my life down to what is going on inside of my hula hoop. What is right in my hoop stays in my hoop.

The other thought in this article was that every conflict doesn't need to have a resolution. What?! I thrive on neat tidy packages. We had a disagreement, we talked it through, and now its done, and packaged and tied with a bow. How can that not be right?!

Recently I wrote about the changes in Molly and my relationship. That didn't really ever have a resolution. We have talked and talked and I have cried an ocean....but she had her ideas and I had mine. I wanted to be heard and understood so so much and it wasn't happening on the level that I needed it to. (Can you imagine being one of my kids?!) My husband, the dad, kept saying "I think you need to settle down and give it some time. "But nothing is resolved!" I would sob. He would reply, "Not today, but maybe later. Give it some time." I wanted to slap him. Didn't he know that we can't go through life with loose ends flapping around behind us?

But this time, this once (lol)....HE WAS RIGHT and I was wrong. (thats me whispering.)

In time things are coming back together. There is room for her to be right about what her life can include and not, and for me to go on with how I live my life and we don't have to agree on everything and can still continue on in a beautiful relationship. The more I walk in it, the less scary it becomes.

Not having to insist on my rightness has opened the door for me to continue on in a relationship with my girl just as she is...and... just as I am. I think out of all of my kids she probably gets me more than anyone else. It has opened the door to look at my part and not have to be right or justified or the poor victim mom of this lost girl. I have made mistakes along the way. Did those mistakes destine her to the life she is But there are things that in my fear, in my hysteria, in my quest to control the terrifying, I did wrong. Its ok. Its not the end of the world. There is room for us to not do everything perfectly and we can still be loved and accepted and forgiven and just be people. Fallible, loving, crazy, human people. That applies to all of us. There is more than enough grace to go around for all of us....if we can lay down being right and accept it as the medicine and healing ointment that it is.

I've missed being here y'all. I am still trying to whittle down my schedule.....its a work in progress, just like me.

Love you all and as my g-ma used to say.... God bless your hearts real good.


Lolly said...

Gosh but I miss reading your words. My comment to this post is Amen.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Too often I think I haven't been heard when my daughter does not take my advice. She has made it clearer with time that she heard me but chooses to do it a different way.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are back....very glad....your words, keep me grounded.

sobermomwrites said...

Love seeing you pop up in my feed. Really makes my day.

So much of this post means so much to me because I too am a "right" kind of person. I didn't even realize it until my oldest came along. He and I are so much alike that we've butted heads almost from his birth. We try so hard to convince each other that we're right that we often forget to really hear what the other is saying. Watching him insisting on being right shined a light on me which was almost too bright to bear and yet illuminating in so many other ways.

So I've gotten better about letting things go or "choosing my battles" as a friend once told me. But...but when it comes to my kids it's so HARD. I want to spare them so much pain and I think that if they would just shut up and do it my way then everything would work out and rainbows and unicorns would begin to appear and we'd all live happily ever after.

Except that's not life. They have to make their own mistakes and choices and at some point (since they are all adults now) I just need to step back and shut the hell up but be there if I'm needed later.

For what it's worth, I think you're amazing. And right. Yes...right.



Tori said...

Annette - I just love you.

mary christine said...

Before I speak at a meeting, I always pray that God use me to help someone. And then remember it is not about me.

There have been times I thought I have shared crazy things, or cried or stuttered, or laughed, or whatever too much. But invariably, someone will later tell me how much that weird thing helped them that day.

I am sure there was someone who needed to hear exactly what you had to say, exactly the way you said it.