Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Ugly

You know when you are going through a process and it gets ugly inside and outside of yourself? My response has been ugly at times, I have felt intense pain, I have ugly cried so many times this past month my eyes are constantly puffy, I am often confused at what is actually even happening, I question my emotional and mental health.....and I definitely question others emotional and mental health. I am afraid and I react in fear sometimes, by trying to control the uncontrollable.

I have worked so hard and for so long to let go of my girl, to accept her as she is....and I am seeing that I have compartmentalized those skills just for her. I am not as capable when it comes to other people in my life. I still think I know best for other people. (Because clearly I do!)  I want to fast forward through the lessons of life and just have those I love arrive at the end result, nice and tidy, looking beautiful with nothing out of place. If I could only have my way, just once! Why are we asked to constantly let go? To live a life with open hands? Why can't we control and fix just once and hurry through and put it all together and be done with it?!

I have worked my own program long enough that I know the answers to those questions. That doesn't mean that it doesn't frustrate the holy heck out of me though. I am SO frustrated!!!

This week will be the beginning of me having Thursdays off. I need to go in and train my replacement for a couple hours that morning....but then my plan is to go straight to Adoration at the Catholic church to sit quietly with God and pour out my heart and listen for His voice. I miss Him. I have been so busy I haven't been reading, hardly praying except for the occasional "Lord have mercy!"

I began reading my daily readers a couple days ago:
Jesus Calling
Courage To Change
And today I added, The Language of Letting Go.

It felt so good. The words comforted me, encouraged me to keep moving forward....even if I can't pull it all off perfectly, keep moving.

I think it is safe to say that we are a work in progress until we are dead. I will never have all of the answers. Ever. And there are days that that pisses me off...but I will live.

Lord have mercy! Please!
Annette

11 comments:

sober mommy said...

I love "The Language of Letting Go" I bought the App for my iPhone and it is sent to me on a daily basis. I don't miss a day! If you read December 27th...that's the day I quit, and I go back to the message there very often. It's called "Near the Top"
hugs
jen
xo

Birdie said...

It seems so backwards, doesn't it? We are called to love people but in order to do that we are supposed to go against almost everything that feels right.

Liz said...

Praying for you Annette... Much love.

amy said...

I hear you! I often wonder "just when is it going to be just right?" only to be reminded over and over "IT ISN'T". So I just remind myself that life is practice, and I'm doing the best I can do today.

It sounds like you need more than just one day off. :)

Something that has been helping me is doing something that is caring only for me every day. So I take the dog for a walk and then do some yoga. After a few weeks this has helped me see that I need some time devoted to myself, and myself alone. Do you do anything just for you each day? Does that send you into fits of "How will I have time for that?!??!!?" Lol

Sending loads of love and light sweet sister :)

SoberMomWrites said...

Oh how I would love to attend Adoration with you. I love a peaceful Catholic Church filled with familiar sights, sounds and smells. We could just sit next to each other and wait for God's whisper.

But since I won't be there, know that I am with you in spirit and that you and yours are never far from my thoughts.

Sherry

PS - and ugly crying is the WORST!!! All that snot and tears and screwed up faces! ;)

Patricia said...

Getting back to my daily readers is a must when I start to feel overwhelmed by life. I vary my readers from year to year but love all three you mentioned.

In an Al Anon meeting this morning a wise older woman with years of program described a wonderful beach vacation with her grown kids. She said the key is to get to a place you truly believe you do not have the answers for anyone but yourself.

She learned to look at a kid that was struggling and think "He will have to work it out for himself just like I had to". So now she sits among her kids and has very little to do but enjoy them.

That's what I want for you and me in the future. BTW, she said it took quite a but of program work to come to believe this.

Tori said...

Oh Annette - I am so sorry. I wish I knew a way for this pain to go away. I often wonder how much more I can take because too often I feel like there is just nothing left. I don't want to care anymore. I often think to can we just fast forward to the end already?

On a side note your Ugly cry video made me laugh.

Prayers, prayers and more prayers.

Laura said...

Scream it out, then rest it out and pray it out. Absorb His love and mercy and you will be energized again to letting go, over and over and over and over....

God bless you, Annette. You are just fine!

Syd said...

I remember getting the Hazelden app on my phone so that I could read the thought for the day. I have come so far since then--to arrive at a better place where I don't feel such anxiety about outcomes. I know that figuring things out is not a step. LOL. It seems that I learned a lot along the way.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

Always darkest before the dawn. I still regularly experience a rough patch just before I wake up and see how I have been hurting myself. When I get into business that isn't mine I am avoiding some truth in my own life. In the end letting go is really all that can be done but it is so hard.

Chelsie Charmed said...

Hi, sorry its been so long. I hope you feel better soon. I sometimes feel like I've done all this progress in my way of thinking and how I react to things when all of a sudden lifes obstacles overwhelm me and I'm back to my negative patterns. It gets really difficult to keep it consistent but I'm trying. I saw the documentary happy and the Secret on Netflix this week and they really helped inspire and motivate me. ((Hugs)) I wish things were easier for you. I'll be thinking of you.