Sunday, December 14, 2014

The many faces we put forth....

First let me start with this....A couple years ago I had years of blog posts turned into a book and then took them down from this blog. They are actually saved as drafts, because I just couldn't hit the delete button. Last night I sat and read through some of that book....Little ones struggles with social anxiety date back which was revealing for what we are going through currently. This is not a new obstacle for her.

I read about when my mom was dying and my girl came home to help me take care of her. How beautiful that time was, but in time my girl drifted away once again. I read one post in particular that made me cry, about what my mom gave to my girl. Maybe I will post it again. It was beautiful....the story...not my writing in particular. I am so blessed to have had such a real human being for a mom, who understood the dark side of people and could see beyond it to understand that there is always more than just what we see.

I am going to share it here....this was going to be a different post altogether, and I will go back and work on that one some more about the many faces we put forth into the world, the ways we feel pressured to "present" in certain ways other than what we authentically are, because that is raw and leaves us vulnerable and  its down right scary because we don't feel like we are "enough." 

But for now......this is from August of 2011. My mom died July 28, 2011. My mom was my first alcoholic, we had years of struggle in our relationship but we were close. You know how those things go. lol Taking care of her while she passed away at home was one of the most profound and miraculous experiences of my life. Its right up there with giving birth 4 times. So here you go......

                                                       What my Mom Gave to My Girl.

Today H and I went to a dr appointment together. While there, my mom's passing came up and how H had come home to help take care of her. The dr said, "Tell me more about that." So I did. It is a beautiful story of two imperfect women who loved each other.

My mom and H had very similar issues. My mom *got* H in a way I never could. She understood the deep regret and guilt that accompanies the life decisions that they both had made at various times. She had deep compassion for H and would tell me, "She probably hates herself for the things she has done. I know what that feels like." It broke my mom's heart to watch her beautiful grand-daughter make many of the same mistakes she had made. She felt responsible in some irrational way....because she hadn't stopped the cycle, but instead had been a part of perpetuating the cycle to continue for many years.

I think for H to see my mom living a life of sobriety, watching her be compassionate to others, filled with humility, seeing the scars on her body, left over from years of herself and others, let H know she isn't the only one. That life, despite its many twists and turns can also be filled with redemption and love. There are also lost dreams and wreckage to deal with, some of it leaves its mark forever....but you can continue to build a life filled with the best of what you have. People who love you. A relationship with God who never leaves your side. You are never alone. You are forgiven much so able to forgive others.

When H was taking care of my mom, and then I would come in to relieve her, my mom would tell me "She has so much good in her heart. She takes *perfect* care of me, paying attention to every detail. She thinks of everything." My mom gave H a chance to rise to the occasion, a chance to shine brightly, to focus on someone else. One day H walked in while I was with my mom. H came around in front of her to say hi and my mom looked up at her and said, "There she is, our Beauty." Soon after my mom went into a coma and then died. What a beautiful blessing of words to leave my girl with.  My mom loved my girl.

Today is a good day. I've been reminded of some precious interactions, my girl and I had a decent day together. I am praying that tomorrow will be more of the same. Many blessings to be thankful for.


kristi said...

This is awesome!

Linda said...

Thank you as usual for sharing your tender heart. It helps me to dig deep for special moments even while going through hard times. Have a wonderful week Annette.

SoberMomWrites said...

This is so lovely. Three generations of women, brought together by circumstance and a woman with one of the most beautiful hearts I've ever known.


beachteacher said...

Such a beautiful post Annette I remember you losing your mom & the time leading up to it. How wonderful that your mom was able to give what she did to your daughter. Your daughter will,always have that to draw upon.
I also hadn't realized the date of your mom's passing. I lost my mom only 3 days later.

Tori said...

That was beautiful Annette. I remember when you lost your Mom and all you wrote leading up to it.

I couldn't delete my posts either and I also made a book a few years ago haven't made a new one for the last couple of years though. I set them to draft and read through quite a few of them and that was quite painful in some ways and other's I was quite happy with how much I have grown.

It is such a tough journey one that we keep praying will end and then we get a taste of it ending and then it is right back to it.

I am so glad to have met you through this blog and shared your journey with you and had you sharing mine. You are an awesome person with so many beautiful messages to share.

Syd said...

I remember that time for you. Your girl is a good person who has a terrible disease. I wish her love and healing.