First let me start with this....A couple years ago I had years of blog posts turned into a book and then took them down from this blog. They are actually saved as drafts, because I just couldn't hit the delete button. Last night I sat and read through some of that book....Little ones struggles with social anxiety date back which was revealing for what we are going through currently. This is not a new obstacle for her.
I read about when my mom was dying and my girl came home to help me take care of her. How beautiful that time was, but in time my girl drifted away once again. I read one post in particular that made me cry, about what my mom gave to my girl. Maybe I will post it again. It was beautiful....the story...not my writing in particular. I am so blessed to have had such a real human being for a mom, who understood the dark side of people and could see beyond it to understand that there is always more than just what we see.
I am going to share it here....this was going to be a different post altogether, and I will go back and work on that one some more about the many faces we put forth into the world, the ways we feel pressured to "present" in certain ways other than what we authentically are, because that is raw and leaves us vulnerable and its down right scary because we don't feel like we are "enough."
But for now......this is from August of 2011. My mom died July 28, 2011. My mom was my first alcoholic, we had years of struggle in our relationship but we were close. You know how those things go. lol Taking care of her while she passed away at home was one of the most profound and miraculous experiences of my life. Its right up there with giving birth 4 times. So here you go......
What my Mom Gave to My Girl.
Today H and I went to a dr appointment together. While there, my
mom's passing came up and how H had come home to help take care of her.
The dr said, "Tell me more about that." So I did. It is a beautiful
story of two imperfect women who loved each other.
mom and H had very similar issues. My mom *got* H in a way I never
could. She understood the deep regret and guilt that accompanies the
life decisions that they both had made at various times. She had deep
compassion for H and would tell me, "She probably hates herself for the
things she has done. I know what that feels like." It broke my mom's
heart to watch her beautiful grand-daughter make many of the same
mistakes she had made. She felt responsible in some irrational
way....because she hadn't stopped the cycle, but instead had been a part
of perpetuating the cycle to continue for many years.
think for H to see my mom living a life of sobriety, watching her be
compassionate to others, filled with humility, seeing the scars on her
body, left over from years of abuse...by herself and others, let H know
she isn't the only one. That life, despite its many twists and turns can
also be filled with redemption and love. There are also lost dreams and
wreckage to deal with, some of it leaves its mark forever....but you
can continue to build a life filled with the best of what you have.
People who love you. A relationship with God who never leaves your side.
You are never alone. You are forgiven much so able to forgive others.
H was taking care of my mom, and then I would come in to relieve her,
my mom would tell me "She has so much good in her heart. She takes
*perfect* care of me, paying attention to every detail. She thinks of
everything." My mom gave H a chance to rise to the occasion, a chance to
shine brightly, to focus on someone else. One day H walked in while I
was with my mom. H came around in front of her to say hi and my mom
looked up at her and said, "There she is, our Beauty." Soon after my mom
went into a coma and then died. What a beautiful blessing of words to
leave my girl with. My mom loved my girl.
Today is a
good day. I've been reminded of some precious interactions, my girl and I
had a decent day together. I am praying that tomorrow will be more of
the same. Many blessings to be thankful for.