Yesterday was a really good day. I was dashing around going to my jobs, managing a million things, heading up our mountain to pick up little one from school, answering calls and text messages, getting all of my errands done so I can leave tomorrow for a 3 day job, and I felt like we are all ok. I like us. We are all good people, flawed, no perfection in the group, but good. Good hearts. I felt like our struggles have made us authentic.....kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit story. We are rough around the edges, a little worn and threadbare, but we are real and we are approachable and we know how to love pretty darn good.
Then I have other days.....
I feel like we are a mess! Every one is depressed and I am fat again. The dad has ADD and only retains about a quarter of what we talk about. The house looks like a bomb went off in it most of the time, there is never enough time to do all that I want to do, we are just surviving, doing whatever it takes to keep our heads above water! But even in our messiness....we keep moving forward. I do have to give us that. We don't call into work, we don't slough off our responsibilities, we don't stay in our bed all day with the covers pulled over our heads....one day at a time, one step at a time, we keep moving forward.
No one warned me about real life! I honestly went into it thinking that if I did it all "right" and loved everyone enough, and didn't yell or hit or drink or do drugs, everything would be great! Back in the days when I was having babies, no one told me how risky it all really was. No one said, "They will break your heart. Their struggles will be excruciatingly painful to watch and you won't be able to step in and fix it. You get to watch and pray. You will dig down to your toes to find the strength to let go of them." No one told me that no matter how hard I tried, they each would have their own free will and do life their own way. No one told me that I would love them so much it would actually hurt! Yeah, no one is prepared for being a parent. I don't think anything anyone could have said could really have done all of the joys and the sorrows of parenthood justice. Plus, I probably wouldn't have listened. Back when I was 20 years old I of course knew everything! Ha!
Today however, is a pretty good day. The dad and I spent the day cleaning together. All of the kids seem to be ok for the moment. Big brother is getting situated in a new very intense work situation in a stinky state because its so humid but he seems to be handling it all pretty well. Molly is all moved back in and already posting embarrassing videos on FB of us. Little one is doing good. She is totally coming into her own little self, putting together quirky and interesting outfits and wearing bright red lipstick! She got her hair all cut off into a short little Anne Hathaway do....she just looks adorable! Like a little ginger pixie. She is working with the disabled kids at school and said, "I LOVED it!" She is never an effusive child about anything.....calm and steady are her middle names. So this was really monumental to hear from her. My girl is still out and about...staying where she can find a spot. She texts or calls everyday.....rarely asking for anything. I believe that where there is breath there is hope.
Praying for us all..... lets keep moving forward!