Happy Birthday to My Beautiful Girl....
Tomorrow is my girl's birthday. 26 years old. No longer a wild teenager. Without going into every sordid detail, she is quickly running out of options. Every door is being shut. Its hard to watch, but somewhere deep inside I feel like its the right thing, a good thing, it could be the thing that saves her life.....or not.
I was thinking of the early years of our journey. I cried none stop. I couldn't make it through the grocery store in one piece without having to leave my cart and go sit in the car for awhile and get myself together. I cried with everyone. I couldn't turn it off. I half- joked that I had cried in every Starbucks in my county and when they saw me coming they always made sure my table had extra napkins. I cried in the car, I cried on the phone, I cried to strangers....the pain was so deeply intense.
The thing is, is that I have not shed one tear this time around. I feel nothing. I keep saying its because I am still on my max dose of anti-depressants...everyday when I take them I wonder if its time to cut back to my maintenance dose, and then I think about what is going on in my life and I think, "Nahhh." It might just be God's mercy to not feel right now. But it has worried me too.....I am not a stuffer, as you all have probably guessed! I feel and process and look from every angle. I mull over and work through and I don't give up until I am satisfied.
With that said, today while driving around doing my errands, I thought about my girl. Yesterday was an awful day. In the middle of it all, I caught just a flicker of an expression on her face, that has haunted me all day. It was vulnerability, it was shame, desperation, it was denial, it was a little crazed even...and I felt a wave of the most intense sadness come over me. It left quickly, but I truly felt like God let me see what was lurking underneath my numbness. If I had to live day in and day out with what that wave felt like, I would be paralyzed by it.
So for today I will keep taking that anti-depressant. I will cook delicious food tomorrow to celebrate the girl I joyfully gave birth to 26 years ago. I will give her her gifts....a big basket of food, a skirt, warm socks, a soft blanket, and a gift card. And I will let her go.
Always praying for us all....
Annette
I was thinking of the early years of our journey. I cried none stop. I couldn't make it through the grocery store in one piece without having to leave my cart and go sit in the car for awhile and get myself together. I cried with everyone. I couldn't turn it off. I half- joked that I had cried in every Starbucks in my county and when they saw me coming they always made sure my table had extra napkins. I cried in the car, I cried on the phone, I cried to strangers....the pain was so deeply intense.
The thing is, is that I have not shed one tear this time around. I feel nothing. I keep saying its because I am still on my max dose of anti-depressants...everyday when I take them I wonder if its time to cut back to my maintenance dose, and then I think about what is going on in my life and I think, "Nahhh." It might just be God's mercy to not feel right now. But it has worried me too.....I am not a stuffer, as you all have probably guessed! I feel and process and look from every angle. I mull over and work through and I don't give up until I am satisfied.
With that said, today while driving around doing my errands, I thought about my girl. Yesterday was an awful day. In the middle of it all, I caught just a flicker of an expression on her face, that has haunted me all day. It was vulnerability, it was shame, desperation, it was denial, it was a little crazed even...and I felt a wave of the most intense sadness come over me. It left quickly, but I truly felt like God let me see what was lurking underneath my numbness. If I had to live day in and day out with what that wave felt like, I would be paralyzed by it.
So for today I will keep taking that anti-depressant. I will cook delicious food tomorrow to celebrate the girl I joyfully gave birth to 26 years ago. I will give her her gifts....a big basket of food, a skirt, warm socks, a soft blanket, and a gift card. And I will let her go.
Always praying for us all....
Annette
Comments
-Holly
As the doors close then options become fewer and fewer. That's hard to watch only because we know what life is as they get older. They can't see older, they only see day to day. For us to help we must stay as close as we can stand but we must not shield the natural consequences.
Good Luck
I'm just so sad that she has to go through this and take you all with her. I will keep praying that she finds her peace and that it will flow over you the rest of the family as well.
You remain, as always, my hero.
Sherry
I understand the "look" though. My husband looked so hurt and betrayed when I asked him not to come home. We both know he is sick but it's his work that will get him well, not mine! Goodness knows I tried.
Blessings to you, your family and especially to your girl who needs blessings lavishing her to wholeness.
You are going through this experience with so much grace and compassion. I rarely comment but learn so much from you.
It's hard and there are no easy answers. I draw strength from you and thank you so much for that.
Mary
I pray hard for your girl, for my girl, and for all those whose lives are touched by addiction.
Hugs to you and yours. I hope your daughter will find her way ...
xo