Friday, October 24, 2014

Happy Birthday to My Beautiful Girl....

Tomorrow is my girl's birthday. 26 years old. No longer a wild teenager. Without going into every sordid detail, she is quickly running out of options. Every door is being shut. Its hard to watch, but somewhere deep inside I feel like its the right thing, a good thing, it could be the thing that saves her life.....or not.

I was thinking of the early years of our journey. I cried none stop. I couldn't make it through the grocery store in one piece without having to leave my cart and go sit in the car for awhile and get myself together. I cried with everyone. I couldn't turn it off. I half- joked that I had cried in every Starbucks in my county and when they saw me coming they always made sure my table had extra napkins. I cried in the car, I cried on the phone, I cried to strangers....the pain was so deeply intense.

The thing is, is that I have not shed one tear this time around. I feel nothing. I keep saying its because I am still on my max dose of anti-depressants...everyday when I take them I wonder if its time to cut back to my maintenance dose, and then I think about what is going on in my life and I think, "Nahhh." It might just be God's mercy to not feel right now. But it has worried me too.....I am not a stuffer, as you all have probably guessed! I feel and process and look from every angle. I mull over and work through and I don't give up until I am satisfied.

With that said, today while driving around doing my errands, I thought about my girl. Yesterday was an awful day. In the middle of it all, I caught just a flicker of an expression on her face, that has haunted me all day. It was vulnerability, it was shame, desperation, it was denial, it was a little crazed even...and I felt a wave of the most intense sadness come over me. It left quickly, but I truly felt like God let me see what was lurking underneath my numbness. If I had to live day in and day out with what that wave felt like, I would be paralyzed by it.

So for today I will keep taking that anti-depressant. I will cook delicious food tomorrow to celebrate the girl I joyfully gave birth to 26 years ago. I will give her her gifts....a big basket of food, a skirt, warm socks, a soft blanket, and a gift card. And I will let her go.

Always praying for us all....
Annette

12 comments:

Lori said...

Happy birthday to your girl and happy giving birth day to her mama. I hope you and her have a peaceful day with no tears.

ditchingthedog said...

There is nothing wrong with being on antidepressants. Your brain needs time to rest. When your brain can rest, so can your soul.

Anonymous said...

Annette, For now, the numbness is protecting you against the wave of great sorrow you feel. In time however, I hope that you can find a middle ground between both feelings. I went through a period of feeling numb myself. It felt like I was on novocaine with a huge tooth ache throbbing below and threatening to explode into pain. For myself, the numbness became very painful too and did not help me cope......It seems that writing, hiking and prayer bring you relief. Wishing you some inner peace, however you may find it.
-Holly

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you after reading this blog. I too have seen things on my son's face that make me extremely sad and helpless feeling. Sometimes I feel that being a parent of an addict is grieving the loss of them over and over and over.It is such an awful place to be sometimes. God have mercy on us and on them!

Dad and Mom said...

Annette, you bring back hard memories. Darlene and I cried more tears than we can count when Alex began.

As the doors close then options become fewer and fewer. That's hard to watch only because we know what life is as they get older. They can't see older, they only see day to day. For us to help we must stay as close as we can stand but we must not shield the natural consequences.

Good Luck

Hattie Heaton said...

I feel just as you do. Sometimes I am weary. Sometimes I think I've handed over. Sometimes I realize that I haven't. It certainly is hard. And, I'm tired. But, I, like you and no longer paralyzed and that is a lot to be grateful for.

SoberMomWrites said...

So YOUR not crying anymore but now I am!

I'm just so sad that she has to go through this and take you all with her. I will keep praying that she finds her peace and that it will flow over you the rest of the family as well.

You remain, as always, my hero.

Sherry

Wanda said...

I have read alot of your blog posts but for some reason this time I actually feel like I have to comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am the mother of an addict. Knowing that I am not alone and someone else feels the same kind of feelings that this mother does gives me comfort. I will keep you and your family in my prayers

Linda dev said...

Thank you for sharing your journey Annette. I recently starting blogging for recovery too. For me, it is my husband. Finding healing or peace or anything that doesn't resemble a huge ache is a blessing. You know what you need to do to cope in this world.

I understand the "look" though. My husband looked so hurt and betrayed when I asked him not to come home. We both know he is sick but it's his work that will get him well, not mine! Goodness knows I tried.

Blessings to you, your family and especially to your girl who needs blessings lavishing her to wholeness.

Anonymous said...

Annette,

You are going through this experience with so much grace and compassion. I rarely comment but learn so much from you.

It's hard and there are no easy answers. I draw strength from you and thank you so much for that.

Mary

Tori said...

OH Annette, I too have seen the pain in my son's face too often which is so painful to see.

Mrs. Dubose said...

Annette, this is a beautiful and honest post. The biggest gift you can give your daughter is to let her go, but it is the hardest gift.

I pray hard for your girl, for my girl, and for all those whose lives are touched by addiction.

Hugs to you and yours. I hope your daughter will find her way ...

xo