Tomorrow is my girl's birthday. 26 years old. No longer a wild teenager. Without going into every sordid detail, she is quickly running out of options. Every door is being shut. Its hard to watch, but somewhere deep inside I feel like its the right thing, a good thing, it could be the thing that saves her life.....or not.
I was thinking of the early years of our journey. I cried none stop. I couldn't make it through the grocery store in one piece without having to leave my cart and go sit in the car for awhile and get myself together. I cried with everyone. I couldn't turn it off. I half- joked that I had cried in every Starbucks in my county and when they saw me coming they always made sure my table had extra napkins. I cried in the car, I cried on the phone, I cried to strangers....the pain was so deeply intense.
The thing is, is that I have not shed one tear this time around. I feel nothing. I keep saying its because I am still on my max dose of anti-depressants...everyday when I take them I wonder if its time to cut back to my maintenance dose, and then I think about what is going on in my life and I think, "Nahhh." It might just be God's mercy to not feel right now. But it has worried me too.....I am not a stuffer, as you all have probably guessed! I feel and process and look from every angle. I mull over and work through and I don't give up until I am satisfied.
With that said, today while driving around doing my errands, I thought about my girl. Yesterday was an awful day. In the middle of it all, I caught just a flicker of an expression on her face, that has haunted me all day. It was vulnerability, it was shame, desperation, it was denial, it was a little crazed even...and I felt a wave of the most intense sadness come over me. It left quickly, but I truly felt like God let me see what was lurking underneath my numbness. If I had to live day in and day out with what that wave felt like, I would be paralyzed by it.
So for today I will keep taking that anti-depressant. I will cook delicious food tomorrow to celebrate the girl I joyfully gave birth to 26 years ago. I will give her her gifts....a big basket of food, a skirt, warm socks, a soft blanket, and a gift card. And I will let her go.
Always praying for us all....