I have a friend, a dear dear friend, who I truly do love.....but I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I'm not mad at her or hurt by her. I just can't do it though. I wrote about her journey just about a year ago. Her daughter got strung out on heroin after a short bout of prescription pill use. Her parents came to get her and forced her to come home and then proceeded to detox her by giving her shots of tequila and bumming Vicodin from friends and letting her smoke pot. Then she was deemed cured and that was that. Again, I love this family....but the dad drinks alcoholically, the mom eats alcoholically, and I feel like I am judging.....but I see what I see and I can't, at this point in my life, watch and act like everything is fine. I. just. can't. I don't have the energy. Thinking about it makes me feel like I am smothering and I feel guilty, like I am the shittiest of friends. But I can't do it.
We don't live our life in secret. For whatever ungodly reason, I choose to lay it all out there for all to see. I remember when Molly was little and couldn't read yet, but was at the age where she *should* have been able to read.....I knew something was wrong. I knew she didn't learn like other kids and she was starting to feel the pressure of not being on the same timetable as her friends.We started talking about how to handle it. Bless her heart, she listened and she believed what I told her and then she applied it in her little life.....Be proactive. You be the one to let them know you aren't able to read out loud...yet. Don't get caught or found out while trying to hide your reality. Hold onto your power, lay it all out there and let them know what your truth is." And that is how we do it around here folks. Hiding takes so much energy and if you get caught, if your secret accidentally gets revealed.....its humiliating and shameful. If I share my life with someone, its on my terms.
Today little one and I went to her first counseling appointment. We did it our way. We answered the questions honestly. This was about little one and we kept the focus on her. During my private conversation with the counselor we talked about the long generational history of substance abuse, depression, and anxiety and also my fear of labeling her, conveying that "we all have struggled so quite obviously, you will too!" This took so much courage for her, my shy, private, little sweet thing, but she walked in and explained what she has been struggling with, she let the counselor know it was a "mutual" decision to come in. She wasn't being forced. When we left the office, you could see the relief in her body. In the way she walked and carried herself and in the smile and in the statement, "I really liked her."
Sometimes I feel like I want to look away. Its too much disarray to look at, to acknowledge, to feel responsible for. But I know if I do that, I won't be moving forward. I will be standing still, allowing the darkness to hold me captive. I refuse. I pray each morning....God shine light on what I need to see today.
In other news....Molly got a tattoo on her forearm that is really something. Whew! She asked if I was mad...of course not. A little overwhelmed with the idea of this being on your beautiful flawless body until your dying day, but no, I'm not mad. The dad said, "With all we have been through, tattoos are nothing."
My big boy son got a huge job promotion. He has to move across the U.S. but his salary will be doubled and they will fly him home 4x a year, pay his rent for the first 6 months, pay all moving expenses, and he is now the director of the IT dept for the company he works for. His story is amazing... he's only had 3 years of traditional schooling in his entire life. 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. He is totally self taught. Yes, I am proud of him.
My girl has a few sober days, but she left tonight. We will see how it plays out. Her time here is winding down I think. Today sitting in that dr.s office with little one, I thought of my girl and how 11 years ago I brought her into this same facility's pediatricians office to ask for help and how we DIDN'T receive a referral to the child psychologist, and how I didn't know to ask for one. Instead we received a firm lecture and a good dose of guilt. I do wonder if she had been dxed earlier and treated effectively, if we would be on this same path that we have been on for so long now? I don't know. All that I do know is that God has a plan. I may not always understand it, but its there and its what gives me any hope at all these days.
Dear God, help me to be gracious and merciful and love people as you do.