Facing ourselves isn't just for our addicted loved ones. Its for all of us. I think we all at various times go through the peeling back of layers that shows us what is underneath our actions and our feelings and as horrifying and painful and frightening as that can be....it can also be what leads us to our liberation from the bondage of self.
If I live my life relying on my best thinking I end up so lost. I get myself mixed up in other people's business because it makes me feel important, like I have a purpose to serve. Someone needing me feeds my waning self worth and all of a sudden....I matter! That is ugly, weak, putrid....but I bet I'm not alone.
When I can look head on at the things in my life that didn't turn out the way I thought they would, I can feel that heartbreak, that disappointment, guilt, shame, responsibility....I can feel all of that, I can put it all into perspective and find the reality of the circumstances, whats really my part and what I can let go of? What can I make amends for? Can I forgive myself? Can I let go of the grudge I hold against myself for not knowing how to make all of this better? How to be better? Can I begin to take steps to learn new ways to do life? Better ways? More healthy for myself and those I love? Can I look at the facts of our circumstances and acknowledge whats mine and whats not? Because there are parts that are not mine to carry. I think as the parents, especially the moms, we love to carry as much as we can because then we feel useful. We are doing SOMETHING to save our kids, our family. So we burden ourselves down with an impossible weight of responsibility. "But look! I'm doing everything in my power to save your life!" Poor martyr me.
There is freedom in looking at ourselves and being honest about what is there. Not dwelling there, not building a cave and burying ourselves there...but looking at it all and then *letting it go.*
Today I will do better. I will love myself despite my imperfections, despite my character defects, despite my flaws and poor judgement at times....and I will ask for help to see a clearer path. The healthier I become, the more attention is focused on my own journey and maintaining my health in every way...the more free my family becomes to focus on themselves and their own health. We become co-travelers....not just a tangled up ball of arms and legs and jabbing elbows and big feet rolling all through town causing chaos everywhere we go. We can walk together, allowing each one to go at his or her own pace. We can respect each others journey. Even when its not pretty or not falling into the parameters that we deemed correct and acceptable.
But first we have to face ourselves.
Help us God. Give us the courage and bathe us in your grace and acceptance.
Always praying for all of us.