Saturday, August 2, 2014

Facing ourselves

Facing ourselves isn't just for our addicted loved ones. Its for all of us. I think we all at various times go through the peeling back of layers that shows us what is underneath our actions and our feelings and as horrifying and painful and frightening as that can be....it can also be what leads us to our liberation from the bondage of self.

If I live my life relying on my best thinking I end up so lost. I get myself mixed up in other people's business because it makes me feel important, like I have a purpose to serve. Someone needing me feeds my waning self worth and all of a sudden....I matter! That is ugly, weak, putrid....but I bet I'm not alone.

When I can look head on at the things in my life that didn't turn out the way I thought they would, I can feel that heartbreak, that disappointment, guilt, shame, responsibility....I can feel all of that, I can put it all into perspective and find the reality of the circumstances, whats really my part and what I can let go of? What can I make amends for? Can I forgive myself? Can I let go of the grudge I hold against myself for not knowing how to make all of this better? How to be better? Can I begin to take steps to learn new ways to do life? Better ways? More healthy for myself and those I love? Can I look at the facts of our circumstances and acknowledge whats mine and whats not? Because there are parts that are not mine to carry. I think as the parents, especially the moms, we love to carry as much as we can because then we feel useful. We are doing SOMETHING to save our kids, our family. So we burden ourselves down with an impossible weight of responsibility. "But look! I'm doing everything in my power to save your life!" Poor martyr me.

There is freedom in looking at ourselves and being honest about what is there. Not dwelling there, not building a cave and burying ourselves there...but looking at it all and then *letting it go.*

Today I will do better. I will love myself despite my imperfections, despite my character defects, despite my flaws and poor judgement at times....and I will ask for help to see a clearer path. The healthier I become, the more attention is focused on my own journey and maintaining my health in every way...the more free my family becomes to focus on themselves and their own health. We become co-travelers....not just a tangled up ball of arms and legs and jabbing elbows and big feet rolling all through town causing chaos everywhere we go. We can walk together, allowing each one to go at his or her own pace. We can respect each others journey. Even when its not pretty or not falling into the parameters that we deemed correct and acceptable.

But first we have to face ourselves.

Help us God. Give us the courage and bathe us in your grace and acceptance.
Always praying for all of us.
Annette


12 comments:

Lisa said...

Annette:

You will never know how much I needed to read this today. Bless you.

SoberMomWrites said...

Damn girl...this pierced right through my heart...in a good way.

Thank you for that.

Sherry

Syd said...

The tools of Al-Anon are so applicable in every aspect of life. I believe the world would be a better place if we all practiced those principles that you write about here. Thanks, Annette.

Journey in Grace said...

I love your Blog posts Annette. You always speak to my heart and my condition. This is a great topic and close to my heart.

Mary Christine said...

We are not human doings, we are human beings. Just be beautiful Annette. You do not have to DO anything.

Anonymous said...

That post resonated with me today. Thank you.

onemomtalking.com said...

I couldn't have said it better. "But look! I'm doing everything in my power to save your life!" This has been me. I let it go for awhile and then I pick it back up again. But I'm with you - putting it down and accepting me as I am. Thanks, my friend!

Signe said...

How wonderfully profound this all is. I have been working on this since March. Sadly, have made little progress, but, forward movement feels healthier and drowning in the past. Good post.

Liz said...

Love this Annette. I used to think it was ALL HER FAULT. Not anymore. I know I played my part in this whole mess... I didn't react well, said terrible things - things I wish I could take back. I enabled and thought I knew what was best.. Hah!
Thank you for writing this, and I plan to make some ammends very soon.

Lolly said...

Wow. This hit me in all the right places Annette. Beautiful...just perfect. You write like a prayer. Thank you for that.

Liz said...

Hi Annette,
I thought you might be interesting in reading Tuesdays' blog regarding Depression.

http://debiehive.blogspot.com/

Lauren said...

Very well said and written. Thank you.