Monday, June 30, 2014

While I was Away....

First I want to apologize for just stopping blogging.....I should have said I was taking a break. I hadn't really intended on stopping but day by day I just had nothing nice to say. I would sit in front of my laptop and try to put together a post and I just wanted to spew I didn't say anything. LOL Be grateful, people!

I have gotten so many sweet emails and messages asking if I am ok.....and I am. Relatively speaking. Everything is status quo around here, but I have been miserable. I am not happy. I am filled with resentment and sadness and anger. I am so disappointed that despite all of the good things in my life, there is also the dark stuff too. I am just sick of doing this. In so many ways, in so many facets. Truth be told I think my way is the right lots of different areas and I am so frustrated and impatient in waiting for individuals to figure out their personal path....when I can see so clearly what would be appropriate and healthy! LOL So I am back to thinking that I know what is right for other people. Not a good place to be in. It produces nothing good in me or in others. It is counter productive. But there it is.

I was thinking that like what I posted about grief a few weeks back, about the value in just sitting with it for awhile, that I have worked so hard for so long to be happy, grateful, and ok despite circumstances that really are quite miserable...that maybe I just need to sit in it for awhile. Feel my anger, feel my sadness, work through my resentments and stop denying their existence. The one thing I do KNOW is that this will pass. I am not going to live my life a mean, angry, bitter person....its just not who I am. I am not a grudge holder.

I have always believed that people are doing the best they know how to do. That no one is really truly awful, that something happened to make them lose their moral compass (addiction, mental illness, abuse)....but recent events (not with my girl.....I'm sure she's relieved she isn't the focus of my discontent) have shown me that maybe I am not right. Maybe people really do shitty things just because they are selfish or manipulative or evil. That thought has discouraged me so much. Its been just a devastating realization that everyone isn't always trying to do what is right.

So while I was away this is some of what I have been doing.....

I am going to turn 50 on Saturday. So we met my niece and her daughter and I had all of my girls with me, and we went out to lunch and then to Molly's tattooist who gave me my first tattoo. I feel a little silly, but its very meaningful to me. The idea of all sorts of people and circumstances being in God's hands has carried me for a long time. The symbol is a celtic trinity knot (the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit) and the rounded places would make 6 points....which stand for the 6 attributes of God... power, wisdom, majesty, love, mercy and justice. So a dual meaning.

I raised 3300.00 in 10 days for a granite memorial bench for my girlfriend whose son died May 21. I have been just devastated at the loss of this sweet boy. He was 26. I have cried and cried over this one. He was such a sweet kid. We have all been friends for the past 18 years. He was one of those boys that after you visited with him, you just felt so good. Like everything is ok in the world.  

I went to a Greek Orthodox church for a memorial for the dead. It was a mass where they pray a blessing upon those who have passed on. What a cultural experience. It was a liturgical service so the majority of it was sung in Greek and English. There were icons hanging all over the building, and little lanterns with lit candles lined the walls. The thing that really touched me were all of the young families who were there with their babies and young children. That was not a church that was "seeker friendly" who worked to make it fun to be know, big screens hanging from the walls, lively music with a live band, a trendy pastor. This was deep and traditional and filled with centuries of history. All of the children stayed in the service with their babies crying and children talking, spilled cheerios, was all just part of their service. In the midst of the perfection, there was room for real life. The priest, dressed in his fine robes, would stop during parts of the service and ask if there were any questions. He welcomed dialogue. It was really quite amazing. 

I thought of how all of this finery and ritual is unnecessary to approach God. He welcomes the most broken, the filthy, the naked, the most sinful and He takes us in and loves us and redeems us into His most loved and cherished children.....but all of the beautiful things that I saw there, all of their singing and ritual, was their offering to Him. This was their form of worship. Their gifts to their King. It actually was quite touching. 

I am spending my time doing what is necessary right now. I am not obsessing over exercising or diet for today. I am eating healthy, but I am not counting calories, or points, or any of that. I am just eating like a regular person. Not binging and not starving.

 I sat in my bed on Friday night and read a real book (as in a hardback with paper pages) for hours. A novel. I have about a quarter of it left and I can't put it down. I haven't read a cheesy book with no value in so long! lol Its really been great! 

So I am still here. Just plodding along. Thank you to those of you who wrote to me or messaged me. Bless your hearts! 

Much love to all of us.....

PS: It felt so good to type all of that out! What was I thinking, not spewing my venom here in my safe zone?!


mary said...

I love your tattoo! I've always secretly wanted one so I admire you for getting one with such a deep message. Thank you for continuing to share how you are coping one day at a time! ❤️

Tori said...

I love your tattoo!

It is hard to stuff all the feelings of sadness, anger, etc. It is okay to have those feelings we just can't hold on to them.

Happy birthday! You are such an amazing person.

Anonymous said...

Such a real, authentic post, Annette. My favorite line is where you said, "in the midst of perfection there was room for real life." That real life can has moments that can be pretty shitty, as you said. But it's not your whole life. Your account of the church service was so beautiful and testament of who you are: a seeker of beauty. Glad you're treating yourself kindly.

Syd said...

Well, I just thought that you were busy and would be back. And here you are! I'm glad that you are still here. I have been busy and some days just don't feel much like writing. I do check in on the blogs. Hope that all feels good to you soon.

Liz said...

Oh Annette, It's so good to have you back..I missed you! I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do for yourself. Love the tatoo. You are so brave! I am too chicken to get one. Happy 50th! Don't ever worry about venting here, because we all understand and are here for you.

Lolly said...

I missed you. Glad you are back.

Dad and Mom said...

I haven't felt like writing either. The world is spinning too fast right now at work but I am not complaining.

I think we all need time to ourself and not writing is a part of that. A time of deliberation allows us to realign our priorities and get back on track.

Don't feel bad about not writing.You know we are out here for you any time you need us.

Besides, you know I am a man. When a woman is quiet and not talking we learn not to do anything to screw that up. LOL

mary christine said...

Glad to see you're back. I missed you!

Hattie Heaton said...

Annette I've had many of your same feelings lately. And it wasn't until I read your post that it hit me that while we still struggle, we struggle with purpose. It is a far cry from where we started. And so there is beauty in that growth. I think we learn in cycles. We learn about acceptance and pride and expectation. And then we are challenged by those same subjects at a deeper level. We've learned more and now it's time to go deeper in our understanding. Quite frankly I'm tired of growing but it is what it is. So perhaps we just need to reframe our current situation. Glad your back. Love the tattoo. I'll never ever get one. I have ADD. Wouldn't be happy with what I picked 30 minutes later!