I have gotten so many sweet emails and messages asking if I am ok.....and I am. Relatively speaking. Everything is status quo around here, but I have been miserable. I am not happy. I am filled with resentment and sadness and anger. I am so disappointed that despite all of the good things in my life, there is also the dark stuff too. I am just sick of doing this. In so many ways, in so many facets. Truth be told I think my way is the right way....in lots of different areas and I am so frustrated and impatient in waiting for individuals to figure out their personal path....when I can see so clearly what would be appropriate and healthy! LOL So I am back to thinking that I know what is right for other people. Not a good place to be in. It produces nothing good in me or in others. It is counter productive. But there it is.
I was thinking that like what I posted about grief a few weeks back, about the value in just sitting with it for awhile, that I have worked so hard for so long to be happy, grateful, and ok despite circumstances that really are quite miserable...that maybe I just need to sit in it for awhile. Feel my anger, feel my sadness, work through my resentments and stop denying their existence. The one thing I do KNOW is that this will pass. I am not going to live my life a mean, angry, bitter person....its just not who I am. I am not a grudge holder.
I have always believed that people are doing the best they know how to do. That no one is really truly awful, that something happened to make them lose their moral compass (addiction, mental illness, abuse)....but recent events (not with my girl.....I'm sure she's relieved she isn't the focus of my discontent) have shown me that maybe I am not right. Maybe people really do shitty things just because they are selfish or manipulative or evil. That thought has discouraged me so much. Its been just a devastating realization that everyone isn't always trying to do what is right.
So while I was away this is some of what I have been doing.....
power, wisdom, majesty, love, mercy and justice. So a dual meaning.
I raised 3300.00 in 10 days for a granite memorial bench for my girlfriend whose son died May 21. I have been just devastated at the loss of this sweet boy. He was 26. I have cried and cried over this one. He was such a sweet kid. We have all been friends for the past 18 years. He was one of those boys that after you visited with him, you just felt so good. Like everything is ok in the world.
I went to a Greek Orthodox church for a memorial for the dead. It was a mass where they pray a blessing upon those who have passed on. What a cultural experience. It was a liturgical service so the majority of it was sung in Greek and English. There were icons hanging all over the building, and little lanterns with lit candles lined the walls. The thing that really touched me were all of the young families who were there with their babies and young children. That was not a church that was "seeker friendly" who worked to make it fun to be there....you know, big screens hanging from the walls, lively music with a live band, a trendy pastor. This was deep and traditional and filled with centuries of history. All of the children stayed in the service with their parents.....so babies crying and children talking, spilled cheerios, was all just part of their service. In the midst of the perfection, there was room for real life. The priest, dressed in his fine robes, would stop during parts of the service and ask if there were any questions. He welcomed dialogue. It was really quite amazing.
I thought of how all of this finery and ritual is unnecessary to approach God. He welcomes the most broken, the filthy, the naked, the most sinful and He takes us in and loves us and redeems us into His most loved and cherished children.....but all of the beautiful things that I saw there, all of their singing and ritual, was their offering to Him. This was their form of worship. Their gifts to their King. It actually was quite touching.
I am spending my time doing what is necessary right now. I am not obsessing over exercising or diet for today. I am eating healthy, but I am not counting calories, or points, or any of that. I am just eating like a regular person. Not binging and not starving.
I sat in my bed on Friday night and read a real book (as in a hardback with paper pages) for hours. A novel. I have about a quarter of it left and I can't put it down. I haven't read a cheesy book with no value in so long! lol Its really been great!
So I am still here. Just plodding along. Thank you to those of you who wrote to me or messaged me. Bless your hearts!
Much love to all of us.....
PS: It felt so good to type all of that out! What was I thinking, not spewing my venom here in my safe zone?!