Monday, June 2, 2014

Dark days.....

Ron wrote this post called  Breaking the Stigma and I encourage you to go over and read it. He starts off with the sentence, "You are not alone." Unless we choose to be! He goes on to say so much more and to take a stand as a proud and loving parent of a recovering addict. He points out that whether our kids are clean and sober or not, we still can stand with them and be proud of them and love them. He talks about drugs being illegal and leading to illegal behavior.....tough circumstances to be proud in, but he points out that the illegal activity is a symptom of the disease. He posts a beautiful picture of he and Darlene at the bottom....standing proudly and publicly with his lovely partner through this journey of having addiction blow in and swirl all through their lives.

Our addicted kids are human beings first and foremost and they haven't always been this way. The core of who they are is still there somewhere underneath all of the fear and anger and bravado. I am thinking a lot about mental health these days, in addition to addiction...more than usual. I feel like its all too much right now. The news, the sad stories of kids that have been in our lives for many either lost in some way or gone from this earth. I think of the grief the parents feel and its just too much.  Maybe I am being brought to a deeper level of acknowledging my powerless. Every person's tragedy can't become mine too. I don't know why I am like that....empathy to a fault and its exhausting to care so much.

Little one and I were watching a show about autism and this young family had autistic was volatile and one was placid. The dad came home from work and they interviewed him and he said, "We don't go on vacations, we don't have people over, we don't have a savings account anymore, we have no time alone....we are just trying to survive each day," then he began crying and had to leave the room.

I totally got that! When you have a sick kid in the family, whether it be neurologically, mentally, physically, it drains you of everything, and feel *less than* everyone else. I feel less than right now. Like I don't measure up, it didn't turn out the way I planned for it to. If my girl had had cancer rather than debilitating depression, anxiety, and addiction, my friends would be mailing me cards of encouragement, bringing dinners over during bad times, asking how she is, volunteering to drive little one to soccer for me. Instead no one asks and we forge on ahead.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have had 4 deaths in the month of May, all due to some sort of tragedy......suicide, overdose, or alcohol related. This has been the last straw for me emotionally I think.
 Mary Christine commented on my last post that sometimes we just don't feel well and its ok. It just is what it is. I am working on just being where I am and not pulling, pushing, and talking myself out of it. Maybe I do need to just feel it until I am done. God knows its been a month filled with sorrow.

Anyway, I am sorry this is such a bummer post. I am a wallower today. I will get over it, but for today it feels so sucky!

Ron's post is awesome I hope you go over and read it! lol



Mrs. Dubose said...

Dear Annette, There is nothing lonelier than being the parent of an addict. It is EXHAUSTING and a solo effort. My daughter was hospitalized for drug/alcohol abuse off and on for over 50 days spanning a period of one year and I got very little support. I have family and friends and I was still very alone. There is something about being a family of an addict that is very isolating. I think that is why so many of us blog-- for the connection.

I was astounded when I found that there were other parents who blogged about their kid's addictions. So many heartaches, just like mine.

I understand every word you write. You are not alone. xo

Dad and Mom said...

Thank you for your kind words Annette.

There will be dark or more difficult days. Those happen for everyone not just parents of addicts. That is when we must find the strength inside to seek the light, not wait for someone to turn it on for us. Look for that person that can empathize but also bring good into the conversation.

When the world is going to hell in a hand basket, pick flowers to throw in there too. Look for something you can appreciate. I have found a solitary appreciation process helps. Plus a glass of tea under the tree heals whatever ails you.

Patty D said...

Dear Annette, your posts are so uplifting, even the sad ones. There is always so much soul in what you share and I am very thankful that you take the time and energy to do it.

Ive been in Alanon 3 yrs now and know the feeling of release when I share my sadness. It helps somehow. It seems for me to bring up my pain and push it out, just enough, to help me focus a little better on what positive rhings I.have in my life to treasure. I journal a lot, and speak at meetings. And its funny, the times I share when I am down seem to be the times when my fellows come to me with thanks the most.

Thank you for your precious gift of sharing your experience, strength, and hope.

Syd said...

I'm sorry that you have had a terribly sad time. I think that grief takes its time with us. I still think about Mom and Pop as we are coming up on Pop's one year death date.

I did not receive much comfort from others. I know that they tried to do what they thought they could. But I simply needed to process and grieve.

Take all the time you need. There is no rush to get through feelings.

Anonymous said...

I have been using your blog as a source of inspiration and missed your presence in my day. You may not realize the gift your blog is to me. So I want to say thank you for sharing your wisdom, your pain and your venom. My path is dark and troubled as I watch my son battle his addictions. I find light in your words.