Ron wrote this post called Breaking the Stigma and I encourage you to go over and read it. He starts off with the sentence, "You are not alone." Unless we choose to be! He goes on to say so much more and to take a stand as a proud and loving parent of a recovering addict. He points out that whether our kids are clean and sober or not, we still can stand with them and be proud of them and love them. He talks about drugs being illegal and leading to illegal behavior.....tough circumstances to be proud in, but he points out that the illegal activity is a symptom of the disease. He posts a beautiful picture of he and Darlene at the bottom....standing proudly and publicly with his lovely partner through this journey of having addiction blow in and swirl all through their lives.
Our addicted kids are human beings first and foremost and they haven't always been this way. The core of who they are is still there somewhere underneath all of the fear and anger and bravado. I am thinking a lot about mental health these days, in addition to addiction...more than usual. I feel like its all too much right now. The news, the sad stories of kids that have been in our lives for many years...now either lost in some way or gone from this earth. I think of the grief the parents feel and its just too much. Maybe I am being brought to a deeper level of acknowledging my
powerless. Every person's tragedy can't become mine too. I don't know
why I am like that....empathy to a fault and its exhausting to care so much.
Little one and I were watching a show about autism and this young family had autistic twins....one was volatile and one was placid. The dad came home from work and they interviewed him and he said, "We don't go on vacations, we don't have people over, we don't have a savings account anymore, we have no time alone....we are just trying to survive each day," then he began crying and had to leave the room.
I totally got that! When you have a sick kid in the family, whether it be neurologically, mentally, physically, it drains you of everything, and often.....you feel *less than* everyone else. I feel less than right now. Like I don't measure up, it didn't turn out the way I planned for it to. If my girl had had cancer rather than debilitating depression, anxiety, and addiction, my friends would be mailing me cards of encouragement, bringing dinners over during bad times, asking how she is, volunteering to drive little one to soccer for me. Instead no one asks and we forge on ahead.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I have had 4 deaths in the month of May, all due to some sort of tragedy......suicide, overdose, or alcohol related. This has been the last straw for me emotionally I think.
Mary Christine commented on my last post that sometimes we just don't feel well and its ok. It just is what it is. I am working on just being where I am and not pulling, pushing, and talking myself out of it. Maybe I do need to just feel it until I am done. God knows its been a month filled with sorrow.
Anyway, I am sorry this is such a bummer post. I am a wallower today. I will get over it, but for today it feels so sucky!
Ron's post is awesome though.....so I hope you go over and read it! lol