Sunday, May 25, 2014

What we feed grows....

I have been thinking a lot about that. I have written here how I have been struggling since mid-Feburary....the first 3am time that I found my girl up and banging around and tweezing her eye brows. It took me talking to an Alanon friend, calling my sponsor, praying like there was no tomorrow, focusing on work, reading and underlining any recovery literature I could get my hands on, choosing to let go of any expected outcome, either good or bad, and hoping really hard to find my way back to solid ground.

Only to find out that all of those red flags and blaring sirens and gut aches......were right! We were back on the roller coaster....not for long this time. She was back in treatment mid-April. She keeps going back, bless her heart.

I however, have been knocked off my center and can't seem to find my way back. There is a lot playing into doesn't all rest on my girl's shoulders. She is doing fine for today, even considering a year long faith based program in another state. We will see, but I think it would be so good and I am praying.

We have had 4 deaths this month of friend's kids, and a mom I knew...all drug/alcohol/suicide related. They are all devastating losses. Wonderful, beautiful, kind people who lost their way. I just can't even put into words how these passing's have affected me. I feel so sad for the families.....especially the most recent, who is one of my very dear friends. Our kids have been friends since they were pre-school age.

 Not to be compared to the above, but Molly is planning a trip to Mexico where the drug cartel are chopping off heads, and the school year is ending which means its super busy and big brother is miserable and not receptive to any of my good advice!

I don't usually read the newspapers or watch the news....but I heard about the UCSB shooting and I just felt like its all too much some days. There is just so much sadness.

This morning on my walk with my friends, we were talking about the "parable" of the two wolves.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So what am I feeding?  Sadness, depression, defeat, hopelessness? Or gratitude, hope, joy, progress, and truth? I am trying to keep my eyes on the good, praying prayers of gratitude, praying for God's grace to be on those I care about who are suffering. I am thinking about God being the burden bearer.....not me. I am not strong enough for the job, even though I like to think I am. I am again brought to an awareness of my powerlessness and how little I get to control....and thats ok. Its a relief when I can embrace it. When I can acknowledge my fear and be honest about where I am, no shame, no hiding, just honest communication with God, I find relief in the honesty. Its when I fight the process and try to keep my fingers in the pie and the plates juggled up above my head that the trouble begins.

So for today, I am trying to feed the good wolf. Tomorrow I am staying home all day. I am going to sleep in, fill my bird feeders, drink coffee in the cool morning air out on my deck, get laundry done, and get ready for our last week of school....whoo hoo!!! And go to secretary my Monday night meeting, where they all understand, because we are so similar there in that room.

Come to me all who are weary  and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

Yeah, that would be me.
Much love to all.....


Patricia said...

Just the message I need to hear today. I too am tired of trying to figure everything out. I agree it is a relief to let go but oh it goes against my habits!!! Thanks for the wolf parable, Annette. Hope you enjoy your rest day today! Patricia

Dad and Mom said...

You must have lifeboats.

On your lifeboat have those things that provide peace. It's easier said than done. Sometimes Darlene and I actually turned off our phones. I know, I know, the horror, no phone.

Take care of yourself Annette. You are in my thoughts more than you know. I look at your pictures, your home and where you live is beautiful.

Topper said...

Ah Annette: I am so sorry for what you struggle with, but whenever I see a post from you come up in my news feed I gratefully read. You put into words my own thought and feelings. I get such comfort from what you write. My son is in a judicial system rehab right now and I gave not been participating in my recovery activities as much. It's like since I don't have to deal with his drama so regularly I am in denial I still have "issues". I always get such a feeling if peace from your posts. The way you often close...along the lines of praying for us and all our kids. Thanks.

Tori said...

I love that poem. B's Dad gave him a picture with the two wolves and the Chief and a boy that said that. Very beautiful.

Funny, we don't think about which one we are feeding. Things have been pretty bad here. I spent the weekend working on the house trying not to think about any of it.

n bloom said...

Thanks for a great post! I am right there with you, trying to feed the good wolf, starve the evil wolf.

Mary Christine said...

Sometimes I just need to acknowledge the fact that I don't feel well. There should not be any guilt or self-loathing in that. Contrary to popular self-help culture, I don't believe we are likely to be perfect every day. And belief that we could be is more likely to cause us to feel worse rather than better. Just my opinion.

Hattie Heaton said...

Love this post. In fact, I'm printing it now. I'm taking it to the jail to read to my girls!

Sandi said...

Dear Annette, What god wanted me to hear this morning!Thank you...Today wull be the first day I go to court and hear my son charged with robbery...gut wrenching..decisions need to be made about bail,living situations, and I am just praying for strength and grace to do the right things and keep some heart is breaking...Sandi

Liz said...

Dear Annette,
Sending prayers your way.. Wish there was more I could do! Hang in there and do what you need for yourself....

Dad and Mom said...


i have come back to this post more than a couple times. You have written some very wise words and used a great story of your life to illustrate how much this means.

Hope you don't mind I am going to link this on my blog.


Syd said...

Thank you, Annette. I think for those that are in the throes of living with the addiction of a loved one, it is often too much. And there has to be a time where one finds comfort and peace of mind. I find that in the rooms of Al-Anon, even though sometimes the people there are doing all they can to stay afloat with their own pain and hardship. None of this is easy. I am grateful for a day without drama of any kind. I like to have days where I don't have to interact or be around anyone much. I get a recharge then. Take care of yourself and recharge your mind and soul.