Saturday, May 3, 2014

I'm still not myself...

This is a long time of feeling out of sorts. Im just jostled and not myself. I'm angry and surly and emotional and afraid. I also caught one of my clients colds and it has settled right in my face....ugh, my whole face feels like its going to split wide open!

I asked someone new to work the 12 steps with me...I have a sponsor who I love and adore, but she lives 30 miles away and is busy with some new responsibilities that she needs to really give her time to. So I asked someone who lives closer to go through the steps with me again. She is a mom like me, in similar circumstances, has been in the program for many many all appearances if its as long as she says, she was 12 when she began attending meetings. I think it will be a good match.....I have always really liked her a lot and it felt so good when I asked her and she replied with, "Anything for you!" :o) So now I have a west county sponsor and an east county sponsor.

I saw both of my big girls today....Molly is doing great. Always so fun to see her. Her new boyfriend took she and I out to lunch. She got a "board of governors fee waiver" for her classes for the next 3 semesters! We have never qualified for any type of help or assistance, ever! It was such a huge relief! I think it was her living in her own apartment that did it for us. I guess....I don't really know nor do I care. I keep thinking we will get another letter saying it was all a big mistake and they are taking it away. So far so good though.

Then I went on to see my girl. It just so happens that we had toured the house she is in a few years back during one of our other scouting missions to find just the right place of healing (rehab) for my girl. We visited for over 2 hours and it was good. We talked a lot about spirituality and God and heroin and the power of all of the above. I was able to say that I have no answers this time around. I am busy finding my way back to tending my own business and getting myself settled into my zone where I am at peace and trusting. Not living in fear and my frantic efforts. I love it when she is in a good place. She is real and authentic in that place. Honest.

The big kids lost a friend to what presumably was an overdose this last week. He had struggled a long time like my girl. He was a very sweet kid, raised in a good home, with parents who were involved and loved him. Just like all of us here. He got clean through a Christian ministry and worked for them for a few years....then he died. It really showed me once again that this is never over. I guess every addict is always one shot, one hit, one drink away from relapse....but heroin seems to be particularly merciless when it comes to reclaiming its victims. I think of Phillip Seymour Hoffman....25 years clean. This boy....3 years clean.

God have mercy....



Birdie said...

It is such a weight, this addiction. Not just for the addict but for everyone.

Today I should have called an Al Anon friend but I was just too tired after working with 12-hour shift with one of the most challenging clients I have ever worked with. I chose instead to watch a Netflix movie then sleep.

Sending love to you, Annette. xo

Syd said...

What a sad thing to be caught up in such a disease. But I do know that the brains of addicts are different from yours and mine. I'm sorry for the death of another bright individual who decided to go back out. Another light gone.

Mary Christine said...

So sad.

I am glad you are taking care of you Annette.

SoberMomWrites said...

Prayers for you my friend. Oh...and endless belief in the possible.


Liz said...

I can't stand this disease. So many wonderful, bright, amazing people being needlessly taken because of heroin. There are no words... just a gut-wrenching pain that we live with.

John Gray said...

Suds right
So sad

Tori said...

I was just talking to a Lady that I kind of know through our professions. Through a mutual friend we found out we both have older kids that suffer from addiction. I don't speak with her often but ran into her a few days ago and congratulated her one her son who is close to 3 years sober. He is around 24 and she told me that she is very proud of him but she has learned through other friends she has met in al anon that you can never really rest - it can turn in a second.

I think after these last couple of years with so much off and on with my son I will never truly rest.