Friday, April 18, 2014

Its not so bad...I keep telling myself.

Good Friday morning! I have really been so busy getting back into my work routine and I apologize for all of those unanswered emails. I appreciate each word sent to me though. More than you know, and I will answer personally soon.

I have been struggling so much with negativity in my attitude, my thoughts, my spirit. I have been angry, not caring that this is a "disease," or that she is sick, or that she carries shame and remorse. This is not the usual place that I live in....and its very uncomfortable. Angry people carry a heavy weight in their spirits I am here to tell you.

A few days ago I began to think of the choices I have. I can stay there and be miserable or I can climb out so I have been working on climbing out. I went to an Alanon meeting each day for several days in a was really an act of desperation. I didn't know what else to do to get myself going other than to put myself somewhere safe and filled with the principles that I knew had led me out of dark places in the past. So I went and I sat and I listened. I didn't share.... I just let their words and their stories wash over me.

Its better but I can still feel the heaviness of this relapse. I can't help it. Its just been awful...

I keep reminding myself that there are others who have it so much worse than we do though, in a myriad of ways. My girl is in full blown relapse mode, she is headed back into treatment on Monday if she can pass their drug test. But she's alive and where there is breath there is hope.

Hattie said in her comment to me on my last post that God is limitless....I have repeated that over and over and that has been part of me getting myself back on track. God is limitless...what a comforting thought. As far as my thoughts can carry me, as far as my hope can sustain me, God can do more and go farther....beyond what I hope or think. I am counting on that.

Each day my girl had an assignment to contact a dr.'s office and ask them what she needs to do to get her medical records.....she didn't do it. Even once. And of course I can't request them so I decided to let that go for today. We can try again later once she has some sober time going on. It was making me fear about the health insurance, SSI, what were we going to do, and how long it all takes. So maybe in a couple weeks we can try again. You all sent me a lot of good information that I didn't know about. Thank you so very much. The bigger thought here is that SSI and health insurance are MY concerns. Those are the things that my eyes see as immediate issues. In my limited understanding these are crisis issues that need to be resolved right now. But maybe there is a different plan that I don't understand, that I am unaware of. Maybe God has all of that under control and is working on more pertinent issues. In my *experience* things usually fall into place without a lot of obsessing from me. So I am giving it a couple weeks to settle and see what unfolds.

I am leaving for a 24 hour Hospice assignment in a couple hours. The mother is so close to the end and the daughter in law who is the main caregiver is so afraid. She has been there 24/7 for 6 weeks and has made it very clear that she's not leaving. Her sister in law said, "She can't let go." I could see that and I feel like I am walking into a situation that I will need to navigate carefully. She wants to be in control of everything, so I will give her the control. I am thinking of how I can do my job and but still respect her position because she isn't going to scoot over to make room for both of us. She is so tired though. She told me, "Once I train you and know that you have caught on, I will go lay down for awhile in the back bedroom." :o/ So I will let her train me. I will let her do whatever she needs to do to feel comfortable in this sad and scary time for her. Sometimes I go in knowing I am there more for the family as a whole. The family member is on their way, traveling their journey and they are usually at peace and accepting by the time I get there. I meet their physical and emotional needs but they are pretty much settled into their path.  Sometimes I connect with a particular family member who needs some extra loving attention....and this time I think it is for her that I am being allowed into this family. So she isn't walking alone.

Poor thing.

Happy Easter everyone and much love.....


Birdie said...


I wish that I had words to make you feel better, to ease this burden. You are doing everything you can.

FOr some reason this song came to me that is from the movie, "Babe". (Previously The Yard Sisters.)

If I had words to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning, golden and new
I would make this day last for all time
Give you a night dipped in moon

SoberMomWrites said...

Holy shit Annette...whenever you write about your work I am struck dumb by the depth of your compassion and understanding of those to whom you minister. It's truly a gift.

It also makes me cry.

Whether it's your girl or your work, the waterworks are tuned up and flowing...and that's just fine by me. Sometimes my face needs a good cleansing.

Thank you for that. Happy Easter my friend.


Tori said...

Your job is so important. We had someone come in when my Cousin was dying. I was pregnant with T.

The Lady that was there was so nice and sweet. She told me just to go talk to my Cousin about our childhood.

I didn't think she could hear me because she hadn't done anything for many days at that point. I got to one story and she smiled. I ran out and told the Lady that she smiled then I cried...she COULD hear me. Had she not told me to do that I never would have that beautiful smile of my cousin's burned in my memory.

That night my cousin died and I never saw that Lady again. I have always wanted to thank her so instead I will thank you for all you do to help families.

My prayers are with your daughter.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I understand.

Be kind to yourself. It's OK to be angry. You won't stay there forever.

There is NO hell like being the parent of an addict, of this I am sure.

Every mind numbing, paralyzing fear I have had has been unfounded. Turns out she isn't homeless living on the street. I withdrew all financial support a few weeks ago and guess what? She is getting a better job and going to meetings. Rumor has it she got a sponsor! All shocking news to me.

Letting go is the best thing I ever did. It was also the hardest.

Al anon saved me and it seems like it's a good place for you as well.

Hang in there. I am on your side.


Chelsie Charmed said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have an amazing amount of love and compassion. when I'm struggling with whatever it might be I try to keep thinking that things do get better and that helps keep me going until they do.

Anonymous said...

It seems whatever I become obsessed with keeping from happening turns out to be integral to God's Plan.

Syd said...

So much going on in your life, Annette. I hope that your daughter finds her way. And I hope that you will find peace in knowing that your love for her is helping.

The caregiving at end of life seems daunting, but I know that you do an excellent job with so much compassion.