Saturday, April 12, 2014
If I only knew the future.....
If I knew she was going to get well someday, I would know that I should keep hanging in there and which direction to hope in.
If I knew that her life was going to continue to be these same sets of struggles and troubles, I would be able to settle down and stop hoping and just let it all play out.
But, I don't know the future. Living this life of unknowns teaches us, forces us actually...to live in a place of faith unlike any other. I jump into predicting, planning, and thinking. I am having to constantly pull myself back into the moment and trusting in God, accepting what is, and loving unconditionally.
I will admit that I have been resentful this time. Mad. I resent that I am pushed into living a life of faith when I feel so unsure of so much and want something concrete to stand on. I want what I want.
Last night a friend said, "I think this is an inside job and your really mad at yourself." I am mad that I am in this same situation, that its costing us a fortune, that YET AGAIN I am put into the position of making horrible, difficult, life changing decisions, and I am tired of doing that and feeling trapped by it, like my options are all so yukky, that I really have no choice at all. I hate it.
My friend said, "but you don't HAVE to do any of that if you don't want to." Technically she is right. But I can't let go of the idea that I have to do these things. I feel like I need to do these things. I feel like my daughter's life is at stake and how could I even consider not doing whatever I can.
However, I am also at a point of not knowing what to do next. I have tried everything. I have done everything I have known to do.....and maybe this is exactly where I need to be. Tired and done so that I am willing to once again scoot over and let God back into the drivers seat.
My friend said, "Remember the pigeon story?"
From Courage to Change, March 14:
One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they're pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down.
Active alcoholics (addicts) are people who drink (use drugs.) They don't drink (use) because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics (addicts.) No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn't cause alcoholism (addiction.) I can't control it. And I can't cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism (drugs and addiction) and let Alanon help me to redirect the energy I've spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects.
Today's Reminder: It's not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink (use,) but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.
So for tonight, I am going to go to bed and I am going to sleep well. Tomorrow I have a walking date with friends, then shopping for gate building supplies with the hubs, then shopping for new shorts with little one and her best friend....and for those events, I am going to choose to be present. To not think about SSI, medical insurance, medical records, + drug tests, counseling appointments, psychiatrists....tomorrow I am going to be with my people and enjoy it. Savor it. Just for tomorrow. Then the next day, I might try it again.
PS: Thank you so much for all of the emails and comments from yesterday. I will be answering everyone soon. Lots of good information shared. I am so grateful.