Thursday, April 10, 2014

Here we go round the Mulberry Bush......

right back to treatment. Just sayin.....

Her entry date is next week sometime. The stories weren't matching up, we knew, but we were hoping we were wrong....but we knew we weren't. Then her therapist called and asked for a family meeting. This is her last chance with this rehab facility and her therapist had to fight to get it for her. Its a 1 year program that she has been in for almost 2 years. Lots of fits and starts....but she keeps going back. That tells me she wants to be healthy, she just can't figure out how to get herself extricated from the quicksand.  If she relapses again, they will refer her to a long term methadone maintenance program that will not be covered by insurance. They are recommending long term Suboxone use.....years.

She will age out of our health insurance in a few months......I don't know what to do about that. I will admit that I am really very concerned with the idea of all of her meds being discontinued simply because of no insurance.

I have always had health entire life. I don't even know how you do anything without it. Please feel free to share if you know anything about this.

 I feel like these past weeks I have been chasing after crumbs hoping for the whole pie at the end of the trail. Seeing some positive behavior and that could be as simple as a smile, she's awake before 8:30am, she put her dishes in the dishwasher, she was pleasant....those were my crumbs and I followed them wherever they led me...hoping against all hope that they would lead to something substantial, some real evidence of change or that things were really not going in the direction that I knew they were.

When I realized what I was doing...hanging onto any perceived hope, I was kind of disgusted with myself. How pathetic. I know better than to scramble along hoping to the point that I am almost begging for things to be ok.

I am just a person though. Just a plain old human mom who wants her girl to be ok. I got tripped up for a minute....I guess thats just how it goes sometimes.

On to more trivial I started back to work this week and I love my new jobs. I think this will be such a great schedule for family life and for me to be able to take better care of myself. I really need to get back to that. I have gained a substantial amount of my weight back....not all, but its creeping up there! I do not want to be big and fat again! Getting ready for this half marathon shows me how hard the extra poundage is on my body. Everything aches and I am tried a lot of the time.

On Saturday morning Molly and I meeting at a lake in the city for a coffee/walking/talking date. I am so looking forward to seeing her. Oh gosh.....I have a big story about her!

Remember about a year ago when she tried the Adderall for her ADD and was allergic to it and had to call 911 and it was a big drama that scared the beejesus out of her? Well it took her all this time to get up the nerve and go back to the psychiatrist. They talked it all over, notes are in her chart that she is anaphylactically allergic to Adderall, and they decided on Ritalin. She only takes it before school and she said its not a miracle drug, and there is only a short window of time where she can tell that she is really focused......BUT she studied for a midterm by herself and got a B+ on it with a perfect score on the essay part of it! This has NEVER happened for her before. She was so happy and felt so empowered she has been talking about changing her major and rather than being an addictions counselor, working with special needs kids. She is also interested in getting her art degree too just because she loves art. The big deal is that she feels like she has choices and options. She doesn't feel limited academically for the first time in her life. Exciting stuff! I am just so very happy for her. She is out there living her life and really happy. What a joy that is to watch.

Ok, so I have shared everyone's private business here on the worldwide internet.....I really try not to do that. Molly doesn't care and I have her permission to write about her as I see fit. I try not to tell my girl's story because its not mine to tell....and today I am breaking my own rule because I selfishly feel the need to sort through all of this _____. You can fill in the blank with any word that seems fitting. I have several running through my mind.

Ok all, I am still praying and believing.


Sheri said...

What grace you have Annette. Even when things are so icky in your life , it shines through. I love reading your blog.
Take care my friend.

Lolly said...

Sorting thru Shit was the first word that came to mind...sorry. But the shit does creep up on us, does it not? Sometimes I feel like even an ALANON meeting won't help at the moment. Sometimes this shit we live with is so hard! As to not telling her story cuz it's hers to tell...IMHO it's BOTH of yours. You're living it right alongside of her... you're stories both connect. It's just not your job to fix her. Keep praying and believing. Keep working it out One day at a Time. Much love and peace to you Annette

Mary Christine said...

Her story becomes your story when she is impacting your life - this from an alcoholic. Probably alanon says something different.

I could write a book about insurance and lack thereof, but I would be a complete buzz-kill, so I'll leave it alone.

I am hopeful for her that she will be there long enough to get some sobriety time under her belt. A year sounds good. And think of how restful it will be for you.

Liz said...

I am praying for your girl, Annette and for you. This life is so hard!

Summer said...

Oh Annette, I know all the stops and starts are so hard. It about killed me seeing my son trying and then using and then trying and then using. I think I held my breath for a solid year while I waited for change to occur. But this really could be the one and if it doesn't work out, it sounds like there are some really great options lined up for your girl.

I wanted to touch on the methadone, in case you go that route. Scott was in a methadone program for 2 years and did great! I could see a difference in him almost immediately. Those demons in his mind that scream out for heroin started to quiet down and he never once relapsed during that time. His insurance didn't cover the program and I think we paid $75 or $80 a week which is MUCH cheaper than suboxone. Anyway, if you have any questions about the methadone or just need a friend, my email address is on my profile.

Sandi said...

I am so sorry Annette,I will pray for your girl.What I find hard with my son is the crumb thing too...Al Anon teaches me to mind my own business and his recovery is his own but I read so much also into whether he's up during the night,how his eyes look,if there is any money in his bank account.The line between detaching and boundaries for living in our home are so very tough.I have been hopeful because of his behavior lately...getting to work on time,helping around the house....but..he isn't going to meetings or talking with his sponsor that I know of our rules was three meetings a week.At 25 his recovery should be his own....i'm confused...

Mrs. Dubose said...

I pray for your daughter every single night. Hang in there.

PS My friend's son just aged out of her insurance program and she said he got insurance for $30 a month through 'Obamacare'. His meds are covered also.

One day at a time is sometimes just one hour at a time. (or one minute... ) xo

SoberMomWrites said...

As always...I keep praying.

I am SOOOOO excited about Molly!!!! That is such a win! I remember when Brian came home after he was on the meds for awhile and passed his first spelling test (he was in 3rd grade). He was so proud of himself and, of course, I cried. Sometimes meds are a good thing...a miracle even.

"Talk" to you soon...


Tori said...

Being self-employed we will go through long stretches without insurance. Right now we have some silly plan because we have to - but we didn't put B on it because it doesn't cover his therapy or the vivitrol and quite frankly that extra few hundred to pay for insurance on him we need to cover all his other medical stuff.

I am not sure if the Obama care will help her - my 82 y.o. Mom was switched from what she had to the new Obama care and now they don't cover a lot of her medication so it is a mess.

Well, I think you know that we are going through that maybe he is using because the signs are there but there just isn't enough yet.

My Husband and I were talking about this last night and he still says we need to wait it out and let it come to light if he is. That always scares me things don't always come to light.

After 9 years I don't think there is much we can do at this point.

I know it is heart wrenching that this still continues but the fact that she keeps trying is a blessing. B's therapist told us for severe addicts that we need to understand that every clean time they put together is a miracle and then WHEN they relapse and they get right back on then that is also a miracle - he said quit counting how many times B has relapsed (I couldn't even tell you) and that if he was clean for 15 days before he relapsed then the next time pray for 16 days - longer stretches of time.

Not that easy to do is it?

Erin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

She will be eligible for medi cal which will cover medication, therapy and md Alexia

Anonymous said...

Hi Annette,

I am so glad that you still have enjoyed time with your younger daughter and your job. My advice is to see an attorney about getting your older girl on social security disability or SSI. This would get her insurance and very very basic living expenses. The attorney will not charge you unless she wins the case. I had great trepidations about doing this but it has probably kept me out of bankruptcy.

I too see progress with your girl. She has been sober most of the time and she is willing to go back!

Take care,


Annette said...

Thank you so much for commenting everyone.

Sheri, your comment made me feel so good...because I don't feel very graceful. Thank you.

Lolly, that was the exact word I had in my mind too! lol

MC and Liz thank you for reading here. It means a lot to me.

Summer, that was encouraging to hear about the methadone. It immediately felt like a recipe for disaster to me. But I guess its a very controlled environment.

Oh Sandi, I so hear you!!!

Mrs. Dubose, thanks for the insurance info.

Sober Mom, thanks for sharing in my joy! Isn't that awesome?

Tori, thanks for being here. I think you and I walk such similar journeys...and I think we have similar personalities...we want to help everyone. lol I think you are better at having fun than I am though!

Anna, we just saw an attorney last week. We will be pursuing that and see what opens up. Its a long process from what I am hearing..up to 2 years. Thank you for still reading me here. You have been a faithful attendee to my thoughts for several years now. I am so grateful that you have stayed around. <3

Chelsie Charmed said...

I love the way you write!! That being said, its human nature to hope a look for signs that things will get better. Without it, life would be quite hopeless :) But I understand what you mean, sometimes we need to let go, or we just end up disappointing ourselves. much love charmed :)

Mom of addicted sons moving forward said...

Oh Annette, I am right there with you. I am chasing crumbs now. I haven't posted in quite awhile but I wanted to say that she is willing to go, Z is still not willing to do that so keep that hope in your heart love. I don't think either of us is weak, we just try to find as much of the positives in our addicted kids as possible and that is o.k. Be easy on yourself and do lot's of nurturing self care. I believe she will could be covered on MediCal and they do cover more than one would think. (((HUGS)))...Renee

Christy Marie said...

Praying for your family. I know there sometimes is a fine line between sharing your story being the mom of an addict without sharing her story for you. I think this is written beautifully, and you have dictated what you are going through in this journey as well.

Glad to hear things are going well. Keep pushing forward. Your hope and strength is the only way that we can show others it is possible to live happy, joyous, and free.

<3 love reading your blog!

Syd said...

I'm sorry that you are back in the craziness of addiction again. I hope that your daughter will find peace and sobriety. I do believe that her sobriety has to come from within her and from her HP and not from another person. Take care of yourself.