I was all set too have the sort of Easter that was before me. I started the morning off by walking 5.3 miles with some Alanon friends. It was a beautiful morning and I love those girls. I was making a cake, but had no real plans for dinner...it was just going to be "us." The dad, little one, my girl and me. I decided at the last minute to buy a ham on my way home and cook that for dinner.
I was busy accepting that this holiday was going to be "simple." We have no family in the area and Molly was working and big brother is the next state away and spent the day with his bosses family. My girl is busy accumulating "clean" hours to make it in the door of the rehab. This was our day....imperfect, not an Easter Lily in sight, but its what we had and to be honest, I did not have the energy to try to make it any bigger and better that what it was.
Then I looked at Facebook.
A dear friend posted pictures of her Easter....long tables outdoors, Easter Lily's placed all along them, food and smiling faces through out, extended family all around, a beautiful sunny day. It was a postcard Easter celebration. And I was ruined by it. Even before I knew what was happening, I was wrecked.
Let me be clear that I don't begrudge anyone, and especially not her, a happy family life. Somehow she was able to pull it all together and I wasn't. I failed. Not just at Easter, but at the years it took to create that yard full of people who love each other and enjoy each others company. I know this is not a perfect family, they have their stuff like we all do....but its different stuff than I have. Better stuff....from my perspective at least.
What I saw in those pictures was my plan. Back so many years ago when we began to create our family, THAT was what I had in my vision, in my heart. I was going to right the wrongs of my violent alcoholic family members, I was going to do it differently, I was going to be better, do better, and I have in a lot of ways.... but it apparently wasn't enough.
So I have been fighting my way through this awful low spot. Molly and I were able to talk about honesty and how we don't live in a place of denial. We tell it like it is when appropriate, even about our own ugly stuff. My wise girl said, "most people don't live there mom. They put on a happy face and present like everything is perfect because they are afraid to let anyone know the truth." We talked about how nice it would be if we COULD set all of the yuk aside and act like it wasn't happening and everything was perfect. She said, "I don't know if we are even capable of living in that kind of denial anymore." Once you have pulled your covers back its very hard, if not impossible to go backwards. To pull them back up and over and start shoving your secrets back under there. They seem to start bursting out the tops and the sides....like big boobs in a too small bra. We talked about how we need to accept people as they come to us and circumstances as they come to us, but be true to ourselves and NOT let any of it rob us of our joy.
I went to my meeting last night and we are reading "In All of our Affairs." It was such a good meeting. One friend spoke of a daily step 10 personal inventory, what is my part? We talked a lot about the loss of our dreams and expectations for how we thought things would be. Another friend spoke of hearing what other families are doing for fun, trips, get togethers, and she said, "Thats not us." We agreed...we are just trying to survive. So I am not alone.
I think this last time of sobriety was so nice that I let myself hope. I let myself go back to all of those dreams I have had for my family and thought maybe, just maybe this time.....
But no. The statistics for a heroin addict ever finding long lasting sobriety are not good. Something like 2%. BUT God is limitless....that is the only hope I have. God is limitless and bigger and better than a statistic. But I need to step back. I have let myself get into the middle of everything this time. Not physically, but in my head. I have hoped so hard this time and I am crushed that we are still here, still fighting this same battle. Still trying to go against nature....a mother letting go of her sickest child in hopes that they will find their way. I feel like, "God, only you could have thought that up!" My experience tells me that the times in the past when I have been able to let go of her, *I* have felt better. I have lived in a place of peace and serenity. She felt the loss of her family and sought help.
I'm worn out people...and maybe that is exactly where I am supposed to be. More of Him, less of me.
Pray for me please.