So in the spirit of sharing my own story here, I am going to share a bit about my response and my feelings with this relapse.
Hattie was so right in her comment in that we become weary. I am. I am weary and tired. The first few days that I carried around this knowledge, I didn't share it with anyone. I didn't want to hear everyone's opinions. I particularly didn't want to hear anything about if she was going to live with us or not. I didn't want to hear speculation about if she was being honest or not...
"How do you know if an addict is lying to you ? If their lips are moving."
I hate that joke. I find it so hurtful
So the first few days I carried my little bit of information and I accepted it for what it was. Its disappointing, scary, I am concerned and sad. But it is also her journey to travel. I may have my own personal decisions to make along the way but for today it is her life to figure out.
Today has been more of a struggle. For her and for me. She is in a battle, mentally and physically. Today I have had my own battle....its a common one that I waffle around in often. I usually find my way, but I always seem to need to re-visit this place, these questions, for at least a minute. That battle is the idea of a mom not helping her sick child. How does a mother turn away, not reach out, not help, not make phone calls that seem impossible to my girl to make, not enforce a routine, not throw out directions....get up, shower, get dressed, find a meeting, come home, rest, eat, take your meds... how do I do nothing? Then I waffle over to the idea that her journey is none of my business. It is HER journey. It is not MINE. I have my own path to navigate and she has her's. I rob her when I take over and don't let her figure her stuff out. I rob her of feeling empowered when I treat her like she is incapable, like she is 12 years old again. And if I am going to be honest.....I feel the need to step in and take over because I am afraid. Because I am afraid of so many things. That she won't rally back. I am afraid of going back to those dark dark places. I am afraid of the time frame....I am impatient and want everything to be put into order right now. I am afraid of feeling any more pain and fear.
I spoke to an Alanon friend today and she said, "You are not the answer for her." For anything really. Her mental health, her addiction. HER Higher Power can and will and has placed people into her path that can be part of the answer for her though. People who have lived through many of the same things she has lived through. People who are recovering from many of the same things she is in need of recovering from. I can step back and let God be in charge. Because I only know her issues from the perspective of being her parent. They aren't my issues.....I have plenty of my own, but I have not had to do the same sort of work she is needing to do. So it makes sense that I am not the best suited to direct her journey. I am not her Higher Power.
So while I am unsettled and afraid to a certain extent...I am also choosing to gently step back. To not tell her what to do or what my ideas are. I am choosing to keep quiet and let her find her own path....whatever that may be. My friend said, "Its a risk." Yep, but I have had to let go many many times in the past and trust that whatever lay ahead was part of a bigger plan orchestrated by God. So tonight I am choosing that again.
Thanks for listening (reading)