Amy over at Soberbia just blogged about feeling like she is needing to figure out the Higher Power dynamic in her recovery journey. There was lots I loved about this post...I think its the most beautiful orchestration from our HP when we begin to recognize our need and we get to watch Him draw us to Himself. Its like all the planets line up, the pieces all begin to fit together, fireworks shoot off in the background and our spiritual awakening begins to unfold....without any effort from us.
In my situation, I just had to be open and willing. That was it. I was desperate enough at that point that I was totally willing. I had given up trying to do it all by myself. And for me, as y'all know....my HP is God and its a "Him" so for that reason that is how I will refer to Him here. Everyone is free to call Him what you like and I completely respect that.
Amy's awareness of humility and some of the comments on humility really spoke to me. There was references to praying on our knees that just struck me as so beautiful. I don't usually pray on my knees, but what a beautiful picture that gave me. Someone humbly kneeling down saying, not only with their voice, but with their very posture, "I honor you, I need you, I am seeking out your will, not mine."
I usually pray in the car if the truth be told. I turn the music or audio books off and I pray. I put all of our (real life and online friends and my own) kids into God's hands, I pray for guidance to do life in a way that is fitting to the plans that He has for me, I pray that He gives me His heart for those I encounter each day.....especially the ones who bug me. Yeah... nothing fancy.
But that idea of praying on my knees.....I want to do that. I want to be reminded that I need God. Not just fit Him in when I can or when I think about it, but to make it a priority...and dare I say it, to acknowledge my place.
Paul from Message In a Bottle commented on Amy's post and talked about how he didn't get himself sober. His compulsion to drink was removed and it was due to nothing he did. He spoke of the God sized hole that many of us feel within our
selves that only God can fill. We try with various substances and
behaviors to fill it but it only leaves us empty. He had to learn that he wasn't God. THAT is a profound statement. I am trying to keep this in the realm of sharing my own experience, but if the truth be told, I think for any and all of us, realizing that we are not God, that we are powerless, that we can't change anyone else let alone ourselves without the help of a power greater than ourselves is really scary as all heck, but its also really really liberating! If I can't do the job, then that means I might have to trust someone else, I might have to make myself vulnerable and risk being let down or hurt or shamed. Those risks are hard to face down. If we can get across the initial bridge of acknowledging our own need, if we can get there and humbly look at who we are and what we are really capable of and what we have accomplished with all of our best efforts, if we can own that, and some of it will be really wonderful stuff too and some not so wonderful....I think it really opens the door to our liberation from self, from all of the spinning and covering up and trying to always look like we know what we are doing. It has been such a relief to understand that I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to know the next step. I can just be in today and trust that my HP will show me what comes next.