Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Reminiscing.....

Last night I saw my mom's face on Facebook and wandered over to her FB page. It was so nice to read her messages to all of her family and friends. When she died my brother wanted to take her page down. He felt it was morbid to keep it up....I asked him not to just yet. I love going back and reading her words every now and then. Is that weird?! Its been 2 years!

I then went back into my blog and read loads of old posts from years ago, that I have since taken down. But I have them printed into a book and they are still there as drafts. Lots of feelings and working through my emotions and my fears with my girl. I read about when my mom passed away and the weeks that I spent taking care of her. I read about when I started going to the personal trainer and all of the stark raving fear and shame that I had. Wow....I am glad that I don't feel that way today. That was awful! lol It was SO hard. (I've gained 20lbs back....major bummer. But I am still working on it. Eating healthy, have an email friend who we check in each day, walking when I can fit it in.....still have my goals of climbing Half Dome and a half marathon. I need to begin to do strength training again. Really really need to add that.)

Life today is good. I have a great work schedule right now, and have plenty of income. Remember I was worried last week....well things change on a dime around here and its all worked itself out. It was a good lesson for me....don't worry about tomorrow, because we just never know what it will hold.

My girl is clean and was rushing off to a book study meeting at her sponsors house tonight when I got her on the phone. I am meeting her for dinner tomorrow night. My Molly is independent, forging her own path, paying her own way for the most part and darn proud of that. I am meeting her for coffee on my way down to see her sister tomorrow. Little one is steady and solid. She texted me the other day while I was at work, asking me to buy her a science and math textbook. She said, "I think if I read them on my own and just teach myself I will do better. Her science and math teacher is a brand new teacher who is finding his way and his way has not clicked with my little one. I think its a good idea, she's problem solving, its a solution she wants to try.....so ebay here I come. Big brother and his Love have gone their separate ways.  They found that they had different goals in life. I will miss her a lot. My sweet boy is living on his own in an apt and has custody of both of the dogs. He is figuring out life as a single young man.

The dad supports us all, cheers us all on, loves all of his family so much. My steady partner who is always here, ready to lend a hand, move heavy objects for me, change a flat tire, get dead cats out of the vent work....yuk! I love his humility. Nothing is ever beneath him. If it needs doing... then he will do it. He's a good man.

I am so grateful for the lessons we have learned through the years. The most meaningful lesson for me personally has been to let go. To let things play out, to not try to control every detail of every one elses life, to let go of FEAR. I am not in charge of what is going to take place for everyone. I don't get to dictate and control and force outcomes and solutions that make sense to me. Because of those lessons, my relationships are pretty darn enjoyable these days. The people closest to me seek me out because they enjoy me, not because they need something from me.....most of the time at least. lol That wouldn't have, couldn't have, happened if I had stayed stuck in my.....what can I even call it? My craziness, my quagmire, my disease, obnoxiousness...whatever we want to call it, I am so filled with gratitude that I have found some relief from what ailed my soul for so many years. I get tripped up sometimes still, but I am aware now, I can make a quick amends, and my family has seen my progress and they are quick to forgive.

Progress, not perfection....that is a life of freedom.
Bless us all....
Annette

6 comments:

mary christine said...

If my mom had a facebook page, I would visit it.

A few years ago, after a boyfriend died, I kept listening to a voice mail he had left me. After his death, it sounded like a farewell, and it gave me great comfort.

SoberMomWrites said...

I love that you have your mom's FaceBook to go back to. Never take it down. It's just a photo album with words that you can look through from time to time.

What a lovely post. It made me happy and you know how much I love the happy.

Sherry

Lolly said...

Gosh, I just love reading your blog! You are (and have) such a wonderful soul Annette. Thanks for posting this...made me feel all warm and fuzzy...That's a good thing!!

notmyboy said...

I find that when things are going well I have less need to control others. I have more gratitude for the peace and tranquility of my life. I feel centered and whole. It is only in the high drama, the downward spiral, where I lose myself...where it is more difficult to mind my p's and q's, to be grateful for my pain and suffering, to let what will be be.
But that's just me. I have met a few parents who sleep soundly while their children rage out in the world...but I could never envision myself as their peer. When the addiction winds are blowing, I'm ducking for cover and trying to breathe. Today I pray those winds never blow again, and I am so grateful for the quiet.

Summer said...

Oh Annette, I love that you visit your mom's fb page! Of course she is still with you but what a wonderful way to be reminded.

Syd said...

Nice that you can go to your mom's FB page. I recorded my mother telling a lot of stories and sometimes listen to them. She could be so funny. Good to hear her voice too.