Saturday, January 25, 2014

I got stuck for a minute!

I have been stuck in my head all week. Its what I get for posting how great I am doing! lol
It all started with seeing some, what I would call, "old behaviors,"  in my girl the night before I was to leave for a 48 hour shift at work. Whether it meant anything or not is yet to be seen....but it freaked me out. I immediately went to that place of stomach churning worry, wondering, laying awake, unable to sleep....I was triggered in a big way.  I spent the first day at work reading my daily readers, praying, letting go, I called my sponsor, I emailed a blogger friend,  I called another Alanon friend... I was working. so. hard. at getting some serenity back.

Some of the things I heard were.....
1. Fears are not facts.

2. "Just for today all is well. You family is together snowboarding, having fun, and for today, that is good enough." They did have a great day too.

3. "Until I found Alanon, I tended to let others decide how I should live, where I should go, and what I should do. The paradox is that, though I took little responsibility for my own life, I saw myself as an expert on everyone else's life and felt accountable for all that happened.  The order in which the first three steps are written helps me to overcome these attitude problems. First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism (or addiction) and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than my myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable, and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care." page 23 CTC

4. "We can not base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment." page 22 The Language of Letting Go

5. "Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for awhile. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.....know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it." page 23 The Language of Letting Go

6. Lord, You are our refuge and strength, our God, in You do we trust. O Master, come and talk with us.

While I was away at work, Molly was texting with some relationship, moving, time constraints, school is starting, stresses in her life... and we text argued.
I worry about Molly too....for different reasons, but worry is worry is worry.

Little one was texting with math/school/social stresses.....and in her 12 year old world these are huge complicated issues. After what we have gone through with previous 12 year olds in our family.....I waffle between being alarmed and worried (do you see a theme here?) and not wanting to create a drama out of just typical middle school struggles.

Omg....I was exhausted. My mind was spinning into all sorts of crazy places.

And all of this while tending to the needs of my little terminal Hospice friend.  She gave me the gift of pulling me out of myself and an opportunity to serve her and focus on her more pressing needs. Thank God!

I seriously believe that God plucks me out of my life for a few days every now and then, and tucks me away somewhere where I can't "help" anyone. Where I am unavailable. They are forced to figure out their own lives. I am forced to let go and trust that a power greater than myself has it all under control.
So it lasted about 12 hours... 12 hours of awful obsessing and "old behaviors/feelings" of my own. I had to literally pull myself outta there. I kept repeating, "Just for today all is well." Two days ago, yesterday, and today....just for today all is well, and eventually my spinning began to slow, I began to get my bearings once again, and most of all I began to feel my serenity peeking its way back into my spirit.

There will never be a day where I am complete and my work is done and I guess that is all just part of being a mere human being.
Bless us all....
Annette

8 comments:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

Letting other people learn the way I learn by trial and error is hard to do. I had to admit that saving everyone made me feel wanted and needed. At first when I let go and things didn't fall apart it felt weird. I lost my identity even though I was happy for them. I was trained only for disaster and I had to find myself again.

When life gets better relax and try to enjoy yourself. Don't waste a moment on future disasters that may never come.

Tori said...

It is so hard not to go back to a dark place with B as well. I fight it and I don't always win but it is getting easier.

I have different stresses with T but I think as Parents we are just wired for it!

You are so amazing Annette! I love reading your blogs and see how you have worked it all out by the end.

Sandi said...

Dear Annette, I have been stalking you for over a year and you will never know how much inspiration you have given me...I have been trying to let go of my 25 year old addict sons life for four years...sometimes I succeed and sometimes not...you inspire me to keep my focus on myself and thank god for todays blessings.

Hattie Heaton said...

Someone at my son's rehab center told us parents that addiction is like a virus. It constantly morphs. It changes so that it can survive. I think that is so true. I also say it in this context....every time that I see what I consider to be an old behavior, it usually turns out to be something totally different. For example, my son was pacing one day and eating everything in sight....Finally I said, what is the matter? Then he told me that the new girlfriend really wanted him to quit smoking so he had only had one cigarette that day. So, once I started thinking about it, I remembered that he had asked me to buy him Nicorette a few weeks back and he didn't smell like an ash tray if I came to think of it. I hadn't heard from him in a while and he usually isolates when he is using but then I learned that the new girlfriend had been taking up a lot of his time. But, bottom line if she is back to old habits, there is NOTHING you can do to change it. She has more time sober now so she will have more tools to get back on the wagon and if I compare my dieting success to his sobriety, I have no room to talk. Just some thoughts on my journey...hope they help. I do exactly what you do. But, we are learning to get back on our recovery horse sooner too, right?

Mrs. Dubose said...

I have been working my program daily. I had some fears last week over very familiar behavior. Time will tell how bad it gets but OMG, here we go again. It's exhausting.

SoberMomWrites said...

If we could just learn to live in the moment like little kids and dogs. Just for now...just this moment.

Sherry

Annette said...

Oh Girls, thanks for being here and reading my thoughts. Sandi, its so nice to meet you here.

Signe said...

I can really relate to this experience, Annette. At times, I can't even think about the day, I tell myself that in this hour all is well. But I have to say, too, that when she does relapse I don't seem plummet as deep as I used to. I think it's part resolve, part routine, part reasoning and a lot of letting go. I'm sorry you were in that place. It's so dark and lonely.