I have been stuck in my head all week. Its what I get for posting how great I am doing! lol
It all started with seeing some, what I would call, "old behaviors," in my girl the night before I was to leave for a 48 hour shift at work. Whether it meant anything or not is yet to be seen....but it freaked me out. I immediately went to that place of stomach churning worry, wondering, laying awake, unable to sleep....I was triggered in a big way. I spent the first day at work reading my daily readers, praying, letting go, I called my sponsor, I emailed a blogger friend, I called another Alanon friend... I was working. so. hard. at getting some serenity back.
Some of the things I heard were.....
1. Fears are not facts.
2. "Just for today all is well. You family is together snowboarding, having fun, and for today, that is good enough." They did have a great day too.
3. "Until I found Alanon, I tended to let others decide how I should live, where I should go, and what I should do. The paradox is that, though I took little responsibility for my own life, I saw myself as an expert on everyone else's life and felt accountable for all that happened. The order in which the first three steps are written helps me to overcome these attitude problems. First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism (or addiction) and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than my myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable, and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care." page 23 CTC
4. "We can not base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment." page 22 The Language of Letting Go
5. "Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for awhile. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.....know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it." page 23 The Language of Letting Go
6. Lord, You are our refuge and strength, our God, in You do we trust. O Master, come and talk with us.
While I was away at work, Molly was texting with some relationship, moving, time constraints, school is starting, stresses in her life... and we text argued.
I worry about Molly too....for different reasons, but worry is worry is worry.
Little one was texting with math/school/social stresses.....and in her 12 year old world these are huge complicated issues. After what we have gone through with previous 12 year olds in our family.....I waffle between being alarmed and worried (do you see a theme here?) and not wanting to create a drama out of just typical middle school struggles.
Omg....I was exhausted. My mind was spinning into all sorts of crazy places.
And all of this while tending to the needs of my little terminal Hospice friend. She gave me the gift of pulling me out of myself and an opportunity to serve her and focus on her more pressing needs. Thank God!
I seriously believe that God plucks me out of my life for a few days every now and then, and tucks me away somewhere where I can't "help" anyone. Where I am unavailable. They are forced to figure out their own lives. I am forced to let go and trust that a power greater than myself has it all under control.
So it lasted about 12 hours... 12 hours of awful obsessing and "old behaviors/feelings" of my own. I had to literally pull myself outta there. I kept repeating, "Just for today all is well." Two days ago, yesterday, and today....just for today all is well, and eventually my spinning began to slow, I began to get my bearings once again, and most of all I began to feel my serenity peeking its way back into my spirit.
There will never be a day where I am complete and my work is done and I guess that is all just part of being a mere human being.
Bless us all....