So I am officially off my anti-depressant. Its gone, not a crumb is left in my system so I am flying solo right now. What I am finding is that:
- I am not depressed.
- I am very emotional
- I am scattered
- I am forgetful (I always am but its worse....too busy, early onset Alzheimers (all dementia caregivers worry if they are next lol,) menopause, no Prozac?) Take your pick!
- I am irritated
So some of the things that I think about are:
- Is all of this emotion just stuff that was held inside and now it gets to come out? Am I purging myself of some of the sorrow that I have hung onto in the name of "letting go?"
- Same with the anger...."someone" left the broom downstairs after sweeping out the dog kennel, so I had to go look for it. I was so irritated and thought awful things like, "Idiot" and "Why are we still married?" (Oops! dead give away) But thats a little extreme! LOL he had just cleaned out the dog kennel for me AND was out snowboarding for the day with little one. I love this man. But at that moment....again, have I always had these feelings but they were masked by that little 20mg of anti-depressant?
- What's real? All of my grace, mercy and compassion seemed to have left me last week. I wondered if working my program has really changed my heart, or again, was it all just masked by my medication? And now the real bitch was coming out!
- This thought has really churned around in my head....what message am I sending my girls? I have always encouraged them to get help if they get hit with a depression. Especially my girl. "Go, take the meds, *we* have a chemical imbalance....its ok to take something that brings it all back together for you." And it is! Totally 100% ok! But for some reason I want to try this. So am I sending the message that really, there is something, just the tiniest bit not ok with needing to be on medication.
- Do I really *just* have a little glitch in my brain chemistry and that medication stabilizes it and when I am on my med that is the *real* me?
My dr. knows what I am doing and I told her I just want to know that if I decide that I still need it, I can email you and you will send down a prescription for me. "Yes. Watch the negative thoughts. If they get too be too invasive, call me!" I feel like I am ice skating for the first time....I scoot out away from the rail, and test the ice, see how it goes...but I know the rail is right behind me and I can grab onto it at any minute if I need to.
So the jury is still out...I am trying this. Will some of the negatives calm down and go away? Or do I have more work to do to learn how to "let go" on a deeper level? Or do I just enjoy life more when I am on my meds?
So please...feel free to share your experiences with me. Your insights.
Bless us all as we continue to put one foot in front of the other each day in whatever ways we need to.