Something I am seeing lately in my newly recovering girl is the budding awareness of what works for her and what doesn't. Instead of just numbly walking through life doing whatever needs to be done, she is beginning to articulately ask for what she needs. The day we spent in the city together was a good example. I wanted to keep on going...."lets go to Molly's restaurant for dessert and coffee!" She was able to say, "This has been a lot for me mom, a big day. I think I just want to go home now. I'm really tired."
And I, bless my heart, have progressed to the point of saying, "ok." I didn't feel the need to push for more time, to try to make her more comfortable, to try to make it go the way I thought it should go. I could genuinely accept her request. I was so proud of her actually. There was no getting mad, no sabotaging the day to bring it to an end....she just said what she needed. I am seeing it happen more and more often. Her calm quiet spirit is returning. I wish I could convey what a beautiful thing that is to see.
So topic change....there is a newish shop in our little old town that sells all sorts of earth friendly cleaners, detergents, skin care things and other odds and ends. I LOVE that place. I bought 4 oz of fractionated coconut oil to use on my face as a moisturizer....with the container it was a little over 2.00. I can bring in my own containers and purchase laundry detergent for .13 an ounce, dish soap and dishwasher detergent is the same thing...and all are more gentle on our planet.
I LOVE the shop owner....a girl in her 30's who patiently educates me and answers my questions. I asked her how she got into this...."Oh I have always been a doer, as a little girl I was out side mixing up mud pies and adding rosemary and grass and seeing what I came up with. I have read a lot of books and studied a lot.
Then turned it into a thriving business!
I am not a big environmentalist and I won't begin to formulate an opinion on what is spouted out in the political arena regarding our environment. BUT, I do believe that the earth is my home and I am responsible to be a good steward of what has been given to me. Just like I am with my family, my house, my car, my curly hair.....yes, I have to take care of it or else it looks like a bush mop!
This is a new awareness for me....for many years I was too consumed with my girl and what pending drama was hovering around every dark corner that I could have cared less if the planet was falling apart right outside my front door. My child was actively killing herself and that by far had my attention more than the environment. That I have room today in my consciousness to even consider changing over my soaps to more earth friendly products is a huge step of progress. Its such a small thing, but I truly did not have room or energy or enough brain power to do anything other than what was my rote routine.....go to the market, by the biggest bottle of Tide they sold, the biggest bottle of fabric softener, the biggest bottle of dishwasher soap and dish soap and head home to get the chores done.
For years I have used the harshest chemicals on my face. Stripping it of any natural oil, trying to avoid any sort of blemish. I have ended up very wrinkled....yes I have. (I recently ran into an old friend who is my age but has flawless skin. I told her she looked beautiful, I commented on my wrinkles and she replied, bless her honest heart...."Well you do have wrinkles, but you have that great hair! I have no wrinkles and awful hair.....it all evens out, don't you think.") Today I slather my face in oil, I use hot water to wash it clean, I moisturize with oil. I have stopped treating my skin harshly, trying to control what I naturally have been given (crappy skin) and am treating it more gently.
I am not working as hard. My night job has ended and I have had 2 weeks of sleeping continuously at home in my own bed. I even bought a new set of fleece sheets for this big sleeping at home event. We need the money, but I am working 3 full days and 2 half days...and thats enough for now. Little one is happier and more relaxed having me here on a regular routine...not always asking, "Do you work tonight?"
I am living a gentler life these days. There was a lot of time, months and years, that I didn't believe this could happen for me. Miracles do exist people. And I am referring to my own chill factor....not my daughter' sobriety. But that is awesome too!
Still praying for all of us every day.....by tomorrow I could be back to crying! lol